Had The High!

[Tiger]

I've had thoughts of ending it on and off for some time and these extreme highs and lows I've been experiencing really don't help! The higher I get, the worse low I get and these lows are when the thoughts are overwhelming!

I'm on medication, but the thoughts are still there! I have a plan that I have often written down for myself and I think it would represent me and my life as it has been and will probably be for a while to come!

Maybe I think about it too often and I do try to see forwards, but it frightens me to even think past a day, sometimes less than that! I don't plan ahead for anything because I just set myself up to fail every time I try! Sometimes it's so hard to even think past the next minute!

I understand that some people may feel that this is a very selfish act and I have actually been on the other side of this, I found a friend who had been successful, but I strongly believe that people with similar pasts, deserve to be selfish at some point in their lives? Maybe not like this, but some how! I wouldn't wish what I went through with my friend, onto most people, although it may tell those who have scarred me what they have inflicted upon me!

I guess that sounds awful!! It is how I feel!

Sorry!!!! (I hope I haven't said anything out of line?)

 

[arfie]

Moderator I ain't, but I surely don't see where you are out of line, Tiger. It reads like an honest post in the appropriate forum to my unauthoritative eyes...

Selfishness was the key to working my way out of my own suicidal ideation. All my most noble acts of martyrdom kept paving the proverbial road to Hades. That kept driving my self esteem ever lower until I believed that suicide would be doing the world a favor. Martyrdom on high.

Learning how to keep the focus on myself - to be honestly selfish - was essential to my recovery on more levels than I can say. Within that selfishness, I even found sincere - and functional - desires to be helpful and to leave the world a better place than I found it. With the more realistic views of my own, selfish capabilities and limits, I even started to learn how to be genuinely helpful in place of paving proverbial roads with good intentions. Being appreciated for help well given is a great feeling!!!!

but that is me... Gentle support while you sort yours, Tiger.

 

[bluebird]

Tiger, I understand you are feeling so lost and tired and everything (*hug*)...

I would strongly recommend you to "be selfish" - but in a completely different way... You deserve no more punishment, you never did. You do not deserve to die... You deserve to have a beautiful, good life, you deserve to experience love! There is never too late for anyone of us... Love is more powerful than death, your life is still here... :hug:

I am so sorry you feel devastated after visiting your family... (*gentle hug*). You do not deserve to go through this. I can relate to your feelings - I was seeing the man who used to hurt me when I was little till last summer - I also thought about death a lot... But I have found hope... a slight touch of hope -

Believe me, you are good... you can live and be happy... you are good :hug:

 

[Tiger]

Sometimes I don't want to! Sometimes I wish I could just stop existing! I wish I could be as positive about the future as some others are! I would love to be able to see a nice future for myself, but I can't!

I wish I could forgive myself?

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Hi Tiger I'm at a low spot too. My feelings may not be quite the same as yours, but the same color, if that makes sense. I am not glad you feel this way, but it is a relief to see that you do feel this way and you are still handling it. Motivates me to work harder. So thanks for that. Good luck. I hope a moderate, stable high comes back around for you soon.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Hey Tiger, your last post does capture my present feelings. I am graduating from a chemical engineering program one semester late because I took a co-op last fall. My friends are all moving on now. They are so busy with friends and family, that I have mostly been alone in the evenings, waiting for the ceremonies to be over, so I can go home. I saw my old mentor, a grad student I used to work for, and his advisor, who is in town for the ceremonies but lives in another state. It was nice to see everyone but also painful because these bright futures don't seem to apply to me. I am having a rough night and I am sorry for you.

Just because you can't see a bright future, doesn't mean you cannot have one. It just means you don't know how good things will be for you someday. Please have some patience that things will be better someday. You don't have to see it for certain. Just be open to good feelings so you at least don't prevent yourself from enjoying the positive moments in your future when they happen.

 

[Tiger]

I hope you could too? And thank you for understanding! Its comforting to know that we are not suffering by ourselves, that there are others out there who have similar thoughts and feelings! It's unfortunate, but somehow comforting!

I am sorry you are in pain! But you are not alone with it!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Have you been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder? How long as it been going on? Just trying to clarify what 'highs and lows' are you talking about.

Taking care of your health is important. Have you talked with a doctor about all this?

 

[Tiger]

No, I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder! When I was about 18 years old!!! I feel very intimidated by most professionals, including my GP!! I am just getting to know her because my last one left only a short while ago and it takes me ages to trust them! I'm still working on it with this one!
These extreme mood swings have been getting increasingly worse since my best friend died!! (I really don't know if that has anything to do with it)

 

[bluebird]

I am sorry to hear about your friends' death (*safe hug*). And I think that losing somebody really close to you is very difficult for everybody...

I understand it is difficult to trust your new GP, but I want to assure you that she is a professional and she knows what to do. She can give you an advice about seeking help. As @Ayesha has written, your health is important...

 

[Tiger]

I wish I felt the same about it, but I feel I'm just existing!

 

[bluebird]

I guess I know that feeling (*safe hug*). You are not alone...

You matter to us, here... we want you to feel better, and I honestly think that talking to a doctor could help you... please, can you consider it as soon as you feel ready to do so?

You deserve to feel better! I uderstand, I am also scared of people I don't know yet, but sometimes we need help from proffessionals and there is nothing wrong with that... they know what to do and can help us.