Hangling In There.

[Elabor]

Thanks for the support a lot has changed since I posted last, I was suicidal at the time I wrote the post and got very close to killing myself one evening.I decided to do it bought some equipment and worked out how.I was committed mentally I was going to check out.I was trapped in a refuge with no money estranged from my kids and in colossal debt,Id lost all hope ,I had a job waiting for me but no money to travel find accommodation and start digging myself out of the darkness.My credit is destroyed.I was two hours away from trying to kill myself maybe I'm not sure I was so desperate,then I got a phone call from the church organization I had contacted as a last resort some beautiful people had offered me some money two weeks rent, I cried on the phone.I had to move fast I packed and started work.the following day yes that quickly my mind was wrecked.It was sink or swim.I work in cad cam programming lasers to cut steel profiles,to say its mentally demanding is an under statement,Ive been struggling but still hanging in there as Christmas approaches its slowed down,but am in so much pain because of the situation with my kids,my son does not want to know me,my wife has completely devalued me and is now seeing another guy,yes while i was in a refuge she started seeing another guy,and yes I do see how suspicious this is.( but that's classic narcissistic behaviour)I have night sweats and have almost sleepless nights having flashbacks and torturing myself with self loathing of what Ive done with my life.I still have a suicide room I visit but the door has been closed for weeks.I try to stay away from using negativity to numb the pain to hate the ones you love in order to quash the agony.People at wok have no idea they just think I'm getting a divorce and that's why I'm miserable,Im moving into a better house at the weekend to a better area less stress I hope and better sleep.Writing these post gives me a little catharsis I have little to look forward to,but I'm healthy and still have a job.Hanging in there.Strength and love to all.

 

[Ronin]

Hi @Elabor,
Glad you're still hanging in there and have gotten to us with news.

Sounds your life's turning to the better in long time taking, but very important steps, and you're on the right way there & patient enough meantime.

Please keep writing, it's good to hear from you. Strength and care to you, as well.

 

[a3a2]

Thank you for writing, Elabor. I am so very glad that you came through that near attempt. Please stay with the organization that helped you. Do they have counseling programs to which they can direct you? And Elabor, step out in faith, and ask them to help you clean out that suicide room. What would it take to make it into a peace room? A second hand comfy chair? A soft blanket? A canvas and some paint? A tank and some fish?

Elabor, a lot of people go through a divorce. Anthony has. Lots of people on this forum. More than half the people you see on t.v., but they go on to live productive lives. And you can too. But you'll have to keep making that decision. Everyday. And some days it will be hard. But keeping the suicide room will make it harder.

I'm really glad you are here on the forum to heal, and to help others heal. I look forward to your next update.