Happiness Challenge Round 2 May 7th

[Eleanor]

Today I read a bit about learned helplessness. I thought - "oh, well that doesn't really apply to us." But then I was listening to a Pema Chodron CD in the car and she was teaching about "refraining" and I rethought my earlier judgment.

So here is what Anchor says: He reports about the research on learned helplessness. The experiment was an accident at first. They put dogs into cages and shocked them whenever a buzzer went off. Then they put them in cages where if they just jumped over a small wall, they could get away from the shock, but none of them would even try. They'd just given up. Stupid dogs, right? But then they did an experiment with people - gave them a wall of buttons to push to make an annoying sound go away. Group one had a button that worked, but varied. Group two had the same buttons but none of them worked. Then they moved the groups to another room with similar buttons and all you had to do to get the noise to go off was touch a button on one side of the array. Group one figured it out right away. Group two didn't even TRY.

What I take away from this is that Winston Churchill was right in his talk to his prep school graduation speech when he said " Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.'' And it is tricky because the things we are mostly likely to give up on are the ones we don't NOTICE we are giving up on. What we habitually give up on. I thought of this because there are lists that they use in Buddhism, that are helpful because they give you the opportunity to notice where you are stuck...

 

[Changing4Best]

May 13, Day 7

My POSITIVE MOMENT WAS while I was not feeling well physically, my friend was praying for me on the phone long distance. She's my prayer partner, and she understands illness and pain a lot so she prayed very deeply for me. As she prayed, I could feel the pain melt away and a calmness overcome me and that eased my tenseness too. What a relief!

Gratefuls were: 1. Prayer 2. God listens and heals 3. God's will is supreme, because He always knows what's best for us!

Kindness was to talk with a lonely neighbor and get her laughing (and I laughed too, of course, which is always healthy).

Exercise was my physical therapy and lifting weights.

Meditation was that God said, "Indeed." when I pondered whether what I'd read in the Bible and my devotionals was there in my heart and soul when I needed these things later. I'd had a feeling that was so, but it sure was nice to have His confirmation! And best of all that I was able to sense His reply today. He speaks softer than a whisper and Oh! So gently....

 

[Whitneys story]

Pencil, has been invited to join in. She wanted in the private conversation which I have added to also.

Whootie Hoo as Alby says!

 

[Changing4Best]

For today's positive moment and as part of my meditation, I share this that I wrote this morning:

God

God's touch
is gentler
than a baby's,
His voice
softer
than a whisper...
yet He
moves mountains
with
a thunderous
clap,
kisses trees
with the first rays
of dawn.
skb
May God Bless Your Day!

 

[Eleanor]

3 out of five for me so far today, and it is just before 1 PM!

I finished reading the chapter on getting past "learned helplessness". I may come back to that. But then I went on to the next chapter which is called the "Zorro Circle" - and it is about self mastery. That is being in control of what you can be in control of, and how important that is. The idea/narrative is that, like Zorro, we must start working SMALL. So Zorro - super cool swashbuckling defender of justice was not always super cool. He started out ok, took a number of very bad hits, and took a long dive into the bottle. He was rescued by an aging sword master who took him under his wing, dried him out and undertook to teach him how to fight with the sword. He began by drawing a circle and putting Zorro in it, and telling him that nothing outside the circle mattered. Zorro was just to focus on what was happening in the circle and responding to IT. It took a long time, but eventually Zorro masters working in the circle (hence the title of the chapter) and then goes on to fancier stuff - swinging from chandeliers, leaping onto galloping horses, rescuing fair damsels etc. The POINT is that he had to master the circle FIRST.

The research on this is pretty interesting - here is the one that sticks with me. They looked at elderly people in nursing homes (not a lot of control over their lives) One group they just followed, the other they gave plants to, and had them water them once a day and otherwise care for them. The thing was, the old people were totally in charge of their plants. Over the next year the people with the plants were better off on all measures. Happier, healthier, less adverse health events (strokes, falls, heart attacks, death etc.) The stoics begin here: Epictetus begins his most famous work: There are things that are in our control, and things that are not in our control. We should cultivate the ability to control the things we CAN and accept the things we cannot control. And it is important to get these lists RIGHT.

Anchor goes on to talk about emotional hijacking - a phenomenon with which we are all too familiar here. Interestingly he says that there is good data to suggest that people who verbalize what they are feeling (e.g., when you feel angry, you say "I feel angry") decrease the intensity of the automatic emotional response and are more able to deal consciously with their circumstances. My H and I have found this to be totally the case - and I am most pleased to find there is good evidence backing it up!

More on this later!

 

[ms spock]

1. Write down three new things you are grateful for each day.
2. Journal about a positive experience experience in the last 24 hours.
3. Exercise
4. Meditation
5. A random act of kindness

Today
1. I got moving this morning despite feeling so panicky and crappy this morning.

I was able to stay kind of present at yoga.

My back is getting better.

I have a working desktop again.

2. Despite feeling so bad about myself I managed to go and see another artist ad do some drawing and not feel so crappy about myself all day. I felt poorly so this was a big achievement.

3. I went to yoga this morning. It was really hard to be there but I did it.

4. I did several short bouts.

5. Not today.

1. Write down three new things you are grateful for each day.
2. Journal about a positive experience experience in the last 24 hours.
3. Exercise
4. Meditation
5. A random act of kindness

Yesterday.

1. Grateful that I got through the feelings of SI.
Grateful to see my psychiatrist.
Grateful to get through the day and get home.

2. Insight that learning skills living without medication is going to take sometime. That I can manage the helplessness and hopelessness.

3. Short walk

4. Short bouts of meditation.

5. Helped a woman on public transport.

 

[Eleanor]

That I can manage the helplessness and hopelessness.

And this is the topic of the day!

First, it is important to try to make a distinction between judgments and emotions. So "helplessness and hopelessness" could be either or both judgments and/or feelings. In general "hopeless" is used as a combination of both - and while I am sure it is a judgment (There is nothing to do about this! It will suck forever!) I am not sure it is really an emotion. Sad is an emotion. Grief is an emotion. Frustration is an emotion. Despair is an emotion. Disgust is an emotion. All of these could be called "hopeless" and each brings more accuracy to the report (I think). Helpless is similar, it seems to me.

The judgments are pretty easy to combat - they just need evidence and enough energy to reason them away. If they are true - if say, getting Uncle Carl to admit that perhaps Roosevelt's New Deal was not an entirely bad idea is, in fact, a hopeless enterprise and that we are helpless to do anything about it, then we must just get on with the process of accepting What Is, and feeling our feelings about that (frustration, disgust, what have you.) And then move along. If the feelings don't shift at all after the acceptance, then there is a high probability that they are actually about something else. As a general rule, feelings follow along after thoughts (and change more slowly) but the DO eventually follow.

I was going to follow up on the post about Anchor yesterday and stress the importance of starting small. Really manageably small. Like if cleaning out 1400 emails that have accumulated over two months, to review only one day at a time. Take a small enough bite that you can really manage it, and then add a bit more. Anchor tells the story of a student who he helped whose dorm rooms was SO dirty/messy that the fire marshal had issued a warning - not only was it a conflagration waiting to happen, they were worried the student wouldn't be able to get out if a fire started. So Anchor coached the young man out of it - starting with the LEAST cluttered space in the apt - a corner of his desk. They drew a 12 inch circle - and cleared that space. The assignment for the next two days was to keep that space clear. It was tough, but the student managed. Then they picked the next least cluttered space. And circle by circle they got the place into order. It took a couple of months, but by the end, he reports that the young man had, and maintained for the rest of his college career a nearly spotless room.

It is also worth noting that (I read this someplace ages ago) this is how great trainers train race horses. They put them in races that are "too easy" for them for the first few races - so the horse gets the idea that she will WIN - and then works them up to more and more challenging fields. I think it went on to talk about soccer or basketball teams working on the same principle - a couple of easy wins, makes it more likely the team will prevail against a harder opponent.

The next chapter is about habits. I am reading carefully as this is a big thing for me!

I'm 2 for five so far! Full report on the private thread. Exercise and meditation this AM.

 

[zaniara]

The first is to fully acknowledge the brutal realities of your situation (he spent 7 years as a POW at the "Hanoi Hilton" and was tortured regularly for much of that.) The second is to maintain the belief that you will prevail and make it out and get to a good life.

Oh, it was this Pencil referred to. And no, I didn't understand it that day you posted it(was not a good day), but I understood it was important and now I read it again.. And intellectually I do understand it perfectly well. But emotionally it upsets me some.. I'm struggling with this a lot now. I've just landed in the reality and acknowledged how brutal it is(in some senses it still is actually; I won't go in to that now). And I understand that that will help me to survive better and don't do the same destructive stuff all over again. And one moment I do feel that way; that my life will prevail and make it to that good life I dream of. But then, one of those bad moments, I don't feel that way.

the stories we have available to us determine what occurs to us that we can do.

I don't know if I understand what this means really.. :confused: (Not feeling to smart right now.. :) ) What does "the stories we have available" means?

because if we don't think there is a story that ends happily, we are not very likely to be able to make the choices that get us there.

Again: this is what I'm struggling a lot with right now. Some days I do think that this story will have a happy ending: and when I do I can find the courage and power to do good stuff and feel okay even if bad emotions arise or bad stuff happen. But then I lose hope again, and I fall into despair. I get so annoyed with my self that I can't just believe it will be okay, and stay in that constructive way of dealing with stuff since falling into despair is such a waste of time... (It doesn't help me that some of my friends actually don't believe I will make it through those difficulties without prevailing and letting "them"- the consequences of the abusers actions- take my dreams from me.. They despair and get overwhelmed if I tell them about my circumstances and the problems I have to deal with.. :( )

Believing in the Third Way is so often the key to finding the solution to our problems.

This is very smart. If I can only find the strength to hold on to the hope. Thank you very much for posting all of this, and sorry if I ask to much question about it.

 

[Eleanor]

I live for questions!

And one moment I do feel that way; that my life will prevail and make it to that good life I dream of. But then, one of those bad moments, I don't feel that way.

Fortunately, no feeling is final. Feelings will come and go, that is the nature of feelings. But feelings don't determine what reality IS, or even what we do. I think the trick is to make sure your belief is a rational and well founded on evidence and positive intention. Then you can just feel whatever it is you are feeling and get on with things. Some days will be good, others bad. Sometimes it will have to do with all this stuff, and others it won't. Sometimes you will be relaxed because you are too tired to be anything else, and others you will be anxious because you had too much caffeine. Feelings have to be tested.

What does "the stories we have available" means?

Human beings organize their knowledge in terms of stories. We make decisions based on what "story" we think we are living. So if you think you are living in the "I'm a princess and my prince will rescue me and we will live happily ever after" story you are likely to behave one way. If you are living in the story where YOU are Xena warrior princess and need to rescue your friends, you will behave a different way. The thing is that these stories can be both liberating (WOO HOO! I get to be the heroine and kick some butt!) and confining (No prince will want me unless I'm skinny and can dance.) Sometimes a story is liberating and confining both at the same time.

For a long time people had only two stories about what happened to people after a trauma. Story 1: they lived through it and got over it and continued on as "normal." Story 2: they developed PTSD and were a mess for the rest of their lives. If you only had these two stories as Options for the future, then I guess if "normal" wasn't working out so well, the only other option would be to give up. Truly that would suck. So having another story (or stories) that were "available" to your imagination would be crucial. Story 3: get PTSD and recover to become a truly awesome and compassionate person. Story 4: Delve into the trauma and process it and achieve post traumatic growth in the short term. Story 5:... we can just keep making them up. You see? So it is CRUCIAL to have good, doable and realistic stories available to us. There are no guarantees, but we improve our odds of a good outcome significantly when we have a good story.

It is also worth saying that cultivating the capacity to reject suck-y stories that others tell us/are trapped in themselves is very helpful. It is also helpful to cultivate the awareness that there ARE stories, and that the ones we have are almost never all the ones that are possible, and that we could, with enough imagination, skill, guts, help, and luck write our own new stories from time to time. In many ways I think that is what this site is all about - writing a whole new set of stories about PTSD. Maybe about life.

some of my friends actually don't believe I will make it through those difficulties

Advice that is worth what you paid for it to follow ;): I would be very sparing in time I spent with these people. If you don't absolutely need them for something - I'd avoid contact until you are secure enough in your recovery that you can just dismiss their nay-saying out of hand. By that I mean that you'd give their opinion no more credence than you would beauty advice from a person who had your skin and hair color wrong, and had you fifty pound different weight and seven inches wrong on your height. "HA! you are so funny." is the polite response.

Ekhart Tolle gives the advice when we are freaking out to look around ourselves and ask "Right now, do I have a problem? Is there anything I can do about it? Or is it the case that Right Here, Right Now, in this particular time and place is everything actually, o.k.?" I find that no matter how worried freaked out I am it is generally about something that ISN"T happening now, or is actually OVER. And then I notice that that was a short period of time, and that nothing bad is happening right now. Right now is just fine.

 

[Pencil]

What does "the stories we have available" means?

Let me give it a try: EVERYTHING that happens to us is interpreted by us. We don't simply internalize an experience in it's 'pure' form, as it happened objectively. And then we interpret it some more. When we tell the story of the event, we always, but always, put a spin on it. For example: I don't want J to know what my parents were like, as they were her grandparents, and every child deserves to have good, loving grandparents. And, every child deserves a good lineage. So, I provide that for her, by the stories I tell. I don't lie, or exaggerate - I simply choose the parts that fit the role and function. I've changed the narrative of my childhood for J's sake. In doing so, I've discovered positive things as well. My parents WERE respectable people, they were even likeable (others liked them quite a lot), they never harmed others, they didn't like gossip, etc. By selecting the incidents or qualities to highlight, the focus shifts.

You'll often hear people referring to some disaster in their lives as 'the best thing that ever happened' to them. A lot has to do with the language we use. While we can't change the past, we can be infinitely creative with HOW we talk about it, what we highlight, what we offer as meaningful and valuable, and what we dismiss. And this is the stuff of myth. Do you see, and tell, your life as epic or as disaster? Start hearing the language you use.

Joseph Campbell comes to mind. Perhaps I should post a short thing on his 'Hero with a Thousand Faces' - and the journey into the underworld. We've been to the underworld, each one of us. It's the return to the world that is difficult - because we are now different.

If you want, I'll write something about J. Campbell, but right now I'm exhausted and rambling.

 

[Pencil]

I was still writing my spiel when Eleanor posted.

You see Zaniara, this is a good example of the stories we tell: You can imagine Eleanor and myself bent over our keyboards, biting our tongues, with unattractive frowns, ignoring demands on our attention - all in a desperate attempt to please you. Or you can see our attempts as useless drivel we spout because we love the sound of our own voices, or ... the possibilities are endless, really ....

 

[zaniara]

Let me give it a try: EVERYTHING that happens to us is interpreted by us. We don't simply internalize an experience in it's 'pure' form, as it happened objectively.

Thank you Pencil, now I understand what that meant. :) And I'm struggling with this obviously since I'm in trauma therapy.. And it's changing. But it's a sore point for me right now to try to interpret all the bad stuff that happened in a positive way- but I AM trying to find out what I can do to overcome it and how to use what I've learned from it to do good for others and what I can learn from it. But I can't bring my self to interpret a rape as anything but horrendous, and not "positive" at all in that sense. - But as I said I'm struggling a bit with this right now in therapy.. So I do think it will get better. Thank you for your kind explanation! But I think my left side of the brain just checked out again, so please rest and maybe I ask you for more info on that J.Campbell another time. :)