Has Anyone Been Able To Be Intimate And Enjoy It Again?

[falling]

I'm so glad to hear from you Ladies that it does get better and your suggestions regarding grounding techniques are much appreciated. Thank you for opening up to me. I know this topic is very uncomfortable to most.

Leah-I have explained to my bf why I am unwilling to be intimate and he fully understands. He often feels uncomfortable around me though because he said he's unsure what the boundaries are. And it's hard for me to make them clear as they change from day to day. Meaning some days I can't hug, kiss and some others I can. I've been trying to remind myself in my head when we kiss that he loves me and isn't trying to 'get' something from me. But it's difficult. It's difficult to not allow the child hood abuse memories come into my head when I think about allowing more touching, etc. Maybe I'll ask him to talk to me during and that will keep me here in the present?!

 

[TeaLeaf]

It is totally possible to be intimate after sexual abuse. I was sexually abused as a child and through my life many people also did not respect my boundaries. I got a lot of therapy and just kept trying to move forward when I could. I highly recommend reading books on the topic of healing your sexuality after trauma. These gave me specific strategies and things to work on.

One of the most important things that helped me heal was doing my best to be present during sex. This took a long time to learn, I used to just turn off all my feelings and have sex because I so badly did not want the abuse to define me, I learned that this strategy did not help me heal and move forward, it just kept me stuck in the same place.

When I started being more present and had flashbacks, I would tell myself in my head, "the trauma is over now, I'm safe" and orient myself to the present by looking at things around me, reminding myself of my current age and what year it was and looking at my husband. I pushed myself when I could and took care of myself when I couldn't. Just do what you can and what you are comfortable with, maybe just cuddling is all you can handle one day and other days more. It's really important to only participate in what you feel comfortable with and do your best to stay present.

I also do body based stuff to help me heal from the automatic feelings and memories that come up. I do yoga, have gotten acupuncture and have gotten massages from a person that specializes in helping trauma survivors heal. Keep trying different things and seeking out help, it's possible to heal. I used to think that sex was always going to be terrifying, overwhelming and unpleasant and now I can actually say that I enjoy sex.

I wish you the best!

 

[falling]

Terrific post TeaLeaf and great tips! I'll try learning how to stay in the moment and get myself back into Yoga, etc.

 

[HëllaBubz]

telling myself a firm "no" - don't think about it. It took me a while. Not perfect, but worked.

This is what I'm working on at the moment. Working on it, but I'm seeing encouraging signs, so hold in there, I believe it can be done.

 

[MissMacD]

I go through phases where I am fine with sex and intimacy. I am in a phase now where most human contact makes my skin crawl. It hurts me so much when my bf takes it personally. If he'd take the time and listen my stand off wouldn't last so long.

 

[falling]

What do you think causes the fluctuations in your ability to be intimate? I mean, obviously it's the PTSD but is it that the triggers have more effect on you during more stressful times? Or is it perhaps certain times of the year or certain ways your bf tries to initiate sex?

 

[MissMacD]

Its the 24th anniversary of when my mother disappeared when I was a kid (when my trauma got a lot worse). I just started another round of therapy two weeks ago. My PTSD gets worse at certain times of year around the anniversaries of my worst traumas. This is one of the hardest times of year.

My parents never held me or kissed me when I was a child, I longed for their affection. After a point I became so deprived that receiving affection became excruciatingly painful. I know it has some relation to my inability to be intimate with my bf. If he tries to initiate anything lately I go running for the hills. I told him that I need to work some things out in therapy before intimacy can be comfortable for me again. I've been so dissociated the past few days, I feel about 5 years old which is why I think I have no desire in sex.

 

[ChocolateOrPoop]

I'm so grateful to have found this website. I've been struggling for a long time and my level of "tolerable" touch with my partner is getting worse not better. Someone here mentioned how their bf taking it personally made it worse for them. I agree! It's like touching feels unsafe for me, but if she wants more touching or is hurt or disappointed the less I feel that I can touch her or allow her to touch me. It's become a huge issue in our relationship. We haven't had sex in over a year. Now we're barely talking.

It feels good to not be alone.

Valerie