I'm not angry at any of the fictional beings I was taught to fear, obey, celebrate, and worship. I was angered more by the humans who couldn't see beyond their harmful beliefs and who aggressively shoved it down my throat every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, Wednesday night, during summer bible school, and every waking moment in between.
Those were the people who continually made me feel horrible about my existence based on this so called god person (not to mention santa clause, and the easter bunny, and the tooth fairy, and so on, and so on) for much of my life. None of them ever taught me the real deal regarding genuinely loving thyself, thy neighbors, and nurturing a healthy existence. Everything was external and something to strive for and if you weren't deemed good enough, sorry 'bout your luck, you're gonna burn in hell and experience eternal damnation. Now, kindly toss your money into the offering plate to pay your sin debt and pray hard for your salvation. See you next week! How comforting. Not.
It felt more like an eternal judgement zone where I could never fully gain acceptance and respect, especially after I'd been abused. Holy shit, if what they said was true, all those bastards who were abusing children would have to do is simply ask for forgiveness and all would be hunky dory for them. Meanwhile, I was left feeling as if I was dirty and the one doing something wrong, especially since I had been observing many of the church members doing similar behaviors and beyond, yet they remained highly respected pillars of the society.
What a twisted scene that left some really deep wounds in my heart. I'm now way too sensitive to artificial scents, and artificial everything else, and avoid places like church and other traditional formal gatherings like the plague. Instead, I seek community gatherings/workshops/events about topics that I can learn healthful and fun things from and immerse myself into those scenes, as the scents allow, to find fellowship and what I feel in my heart to be a genuine loving kindness from others. Nature/music/breath/my fork have become my favorite "church(es)" as I learn how to more healthily love and nurture my temple. Some choose to call that energy source god, I call it love, and am glad I lived long enough to finally feel the real deal vs. the ways I had been taught/groomed/programmed.
