Has Anyone Else Been Angry With God?

[Deleted member 37085]

Same here too.

 

[Cyberluddite]

Religion was used to break me, while I was being trafficked a few years ago. It backfired on my captors, because it didn't teach me anything new; it only gave me better explanations on how I already live my life, and live my personal philosophies, as a Pagan.

I gained more inner strength and power when I stopped looking for answers from a "greater authority", and realized that no god is greater than the person who looks within himself first. God may have His reasons for allowing bad things to happen, and I'm sure He's got a good reason to throw people to the wolves when things go wrong.

But as my trafficker ironically pointed out once, the greatest challenges go to the greatest called... and gods don't roll with sheep.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Very powerful personal insight @Cyberluddite. Currently and for quite a while now...I am raging at God...and cursing like a sailor but not in the company of others...and I am still talking with God for I do believe that He hears me and is answering so many of my petitions. However regarding the family of origin...not so much. So I sojourn on alone...without my sister. (hurts).

I'm dealing with so many losses and they all seem now to be right up in my face and my rage meter is off the charts. And I do not harm anyone with my rage...nor my self...like before. I am just allowing my self to feel without ingesting mind-altering anything...and I am cursing at times...a lot...and I know that God loves me still...and He can see my heart and He knows my every thought...so I am just trying to walk through all of this rage now in my ptsd recovery journey. Raging.

 

[Cyberluddite]

Very powerful personal insight @Cyberluddite. Currently and for quite a while no...

Eckhart Tolle once described it as "acknowledging the pain-body, and dissolving the energy that feeds your ego's sense of identity."

Basically, from what I understood of his writings, your ego is your sense of self. The pain-body is how we identify ourselves, and our ego needs that pain-body as a reason to continue existing. However, our ego is not who we are, nor is our pain-body -- what happened may be a part of us, but we are not what happened.

To ignore the ego is to feed the pain-body, and strengthen our setbacks. But to acknowledge the ego, the pain-body, and what happened to us, brings them out of their hideaway in the unconscious mind. We name them, we identify them, and we remove their power of fear over us. We cannot defeat what we do not know, or choose to ignore.

Sometimes it involves swearing like a sailor, but some of the most honest people you'll ever met could make Samuel L. Jackson blush. And if I recall correctly, God likes honest people, so... who the f--- am I to judge? :D

 

[SophiaWisdom]

God likes honest people, so... who the f--- am I to judge?

I love this! :) I sure hope it's true because I'm always raw-ly honest when I talk to God (lots of f bombs come out of my mouth for sure, and my feelings and thoughts don't come pretty much of the time)

@JadesJewel the raging resonates with me so much! I spent so much of this last horrible year cursing God and even now when things are terrible I pray through screams. Out loud screams, too, not just in my head.

It is so affirming and revitalizing to have this thread where this rage and despair in our communiques with God is not only okay, but shared by others (in one pain-body, as it were). (lol We are the pain-body of Christ gathered together...?)

 

[shimmerz]

Does anyone else feel angry at Him?

Yeah. I don't talk to him anymore.

 

[Akhos]

I was brought up to believe in God. My parents hammered into us that no matter what happened in life, God would be there to help us out. Give us just enough to challenge us so that we can grow spiritually and personally.

I hate him, if he even exists, for leaving me when I needed him. The nights I would cry into my pillow begging for some form of safety as a kid, to only have the man that told me God would protect me, to come and make me suffer over and over again. I hate the BS that was fed about challenges in life - Im standing on the edge of a bridge looking for a reason to hang around this crappy world, and you are helping me exactly how? I cried in pain, cried for help, cried for just anything that would help me make sense of a shitty childhood where noone gave a damn - and you were never there

So yes, I f**king hate you

 

[Cyberluddite]

Im standing on the edge of a bridge looking for a reason to hang around this crappy world, and you are helping me exactly how?

Sometimes you have to burn the very bridge you're standing on, just to show others that you're serious about being true to yourself.

Trust me, the bad guys tend to leave you alone after that.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@Akhos I was brought up to believe that spiritually, and at times mentally, physically and financially that I was on my own...all on my own (not taught about girl things, woman things, etc.)...and the father did not believe...nor did the mother believe in God...until they were both coming close to their respective deaths in '06 and '08.

And I've stood on that bridge...although my "bridge" was my bed with a razor blade, or it was driving over 90m.p.h. in a blackout, on and on. The father used to let us off at the church house door WT? and go home and...drink.

I was blamed by him for marrying the step-monster...the father said before he died..."I thought you liked her." WT? I was a very young girl child...and the father had taken NO responsibility for what he did to me before he passed...nor did the mother. And neither was capable of caring enough to be alerted to the simple fact that I'd had undiagnosed PTSD, ADD, Hashi-T, on and on as well.

And I blamed God for ALL of their insanity...yet they did not believe in God and they did not pray and ask Him for His love, forgiveness, guidance, biblical instruction. No...the father and the mother lived their lives through alcohol abuse and sexual addictions, on and on. No God...no help. Just INSANITY!

I suffered and survived to tell the tale of extreme abuse and torture and I hated God for a long, long time because of it. There was a missionary that used to come around me and my sister, and she prayed for us, and she took us to church, VBS, etc. And later on in my life during the height of my internal suffering/struggling I then had a spiritual awakening. I can never go back to "not" believing in God anymore. I will question him, even curse him at times (during my difficult times...I so hope not)...but I will never stop believing in God.

It is private and I will not share this here.

Also, I hated God for a long time. And I raged at Him. Told Him that He didn't care about me, this world, etc. And I continued to talk "at" Him. I never stopped talking and sharing how I felt.

And He continued to answer one prayer petition at a time. And another...then another...then another. And it is impossible now for me to say that God does not love nor care for me now. I still question Him...and argue with Him...and I have a working yet intimate one-on-one loving and at times raging (me) relationship with Him.

And no I don't understand why God allowed so many horrible things to happen to me...I don't think this world was caused by a big bang...or that I evolved from apes...and I do know that over time when I wait...impatiently (mostly)...that God does answer most all of my prayers according to His will...for me.

He has healed me of flashbacks/triggers, suicidal ideation and me wanting to die every second of every freaking minute of the day for decades, and He has healed me of most all of my cognitive distortions and blaming others for my unhappiness and the consequences of my poor judgment and self-inflicted ill-fated actions.

And I don't believe these healings were...coincidences...or random personal luck...No. Why? Because of His timing after my prayers, and how the horrible things that occurred in my life...have now been turned into some of my greatest lessons, healings, transformations and transitions now...in my present-day life.

God took the bizarre past and all that it involved...and turned it into my blessings...my healings...and by this...did exponentially increase my faith in Him.

I am no longer jealous of others (what they have and what I have not), God healed me through medication from A.D.D. brain damage, over-eating, cigarette addiction, popping different little mood-altering pills, toking and smoking funny little cigs, CPAP machine usage, cutting, looking to others for my ID, extreme obesity (still losing weight), sex vs. love issues, self-hate, self-blame, self-destruction, spending to fix me and on and on.

And I am still praying for healing in so many other areas of my life...and waiting and trusting that hopefully, God will continue to answer my prayers/petitions.

And God has provided me food, clothing, and shelter and loving caring true-blue friends and even though I'm on a crazy-fixed income I have everything that I need. I live in a nice home and that in itself is a miracle...for again I live on fumes. Just sayin'.

Is my life perfect...not by a long shot. However, I am blown by how happy I now am...and I KNOW that I did not get here by mistake (and I no longer believe that I am a mistake) my self. I cursed God like a sailor...yet I did not stop asking Him to heal my mind, body, and spirit...and I still get angry with Him.

And I have hope this day...because I have faith (mustard seed) and I've seen miracles performed in my life. And I am a walking, talking miracle my self! I still curse (isolatedly).

And I still continue to pray. He has not restored my sister to me...and I believe it's because she is a toxic narcissistic biotch. Just sayin'. No judgments here.

She labels me "crazy" and treats me like refuse...and I do not believe I am poo nor do I believe that I'm supposed to be in her life...nor her in mine...perhaps this will change. And I'm not holding my breath.

This past Thanksgiving I chose to spend it alone. I did not want to be with someone else's family...nor did I want to volunteer, etc.

Also, I wanted to experience for the first time in my life thanks to the A.D.D. medication what it feels like to NOT be depressed, suicidal on Thanksgiving Day...for the FIRST time in my life. And this past Thanksgiving is my first one that I did not obsess up to cut, take an overdose thus kill my self. I was (and am) HAPPY! I had and have internal peace. This inner peace that surpasses ALL understanding!

I'd earlier prayed and asked God to teach me about death...and I was allowed to first volunteer with two other women and we took turns tube-feeding a dying African-American young female Aides patient and I loved this woman...and she died two years later.

And then I was allowed to volunteer in one of our local hospitals' emergency rooms with sick and dying patients. Lay people are not usually allowed to volunteer in e.r. bays. I was. And I learned tons about death, dying, the process of same.

Docs and nurses even came and got me (once they learned about me) and allowed me to pray with dying patients, and the widows of spouses who had just died in our e.r.). I also volunteered in an I.C.U. in another of our local hospitals as well and learned so much more about death/dying.

I went to a Christian retreat several years ago and I experienced miracles there...that's all I'll say about that...private. For me...I do believe that God is real.

And that He is walking with me and healing me and pruning, cutting, shaping, and loving me into whom He wants me to become...not who the world says I am...Lies, all lies.

For I am a loving, caring, sensitive and whole person. And I no longer consider my self...broken...or refuse. I am healed. By His stripes...I am healed.

And I know that I am not popular because of my beliefs...and the bible tells me this is true...and I experience blowback due to my beliefs. I do not care. I live in America and I still can believe what I choose to although I worry about all of my freedoms here in this country being taken from me because of our nations' present climate! Disasterous!

And If I wanted to believe that The Smurfs heal and are my higher power...I could...If I wanted to believe in a light bulb or a chair...or in Shrek...or donkey...I could believe in them.

I am free just like everyone to believe in what I I choose to believe in...and I choose to believe in God...and I deeply respect when others choose...to believe in whatever they choose to believe in. Love and Peace.

 

[katz]

I was brought up to believe in God. My parents hammered into us that no matter what happened in life, Go...

I found a letter that I wrote to Him when I was very young. I was asking Him to help me. He didn't. It went on for years after that and with many more different men.
Someday, I know that I can ask Him about this. "Didn't you hear me--this small child, so alone, and just when she needed you most. I even told You what was happening and who was doing it--yet you let it continue".

I still believe in Him, very much. But, I also believe that He knows I'm here--even if I am this angry at Him. I have stepped away from church for quite a few years, but He knows why. I also know that "someday" I'll go back.

I had a friend tell me once that "it's perfectly okay to be angry at God. He understands." She also told me a way to show my anger is to talk or even yell at him, while throwing rocks out into the water. This can get the anger out. It always helps me to just "get it out". I don't need this "poison" and "anger" in me. It's not mine.

 

[Akhos]

I am glad that he is still important for some members on here, but not for me anymore.

 

[Akhos]

Ironically, this is sung by a christian band called Plumb, but it explains my feelings about God really well

Need you now ~ Plumb (Lyrics) [How many times]