Has Anyone Ever Accused You Of Using Ptsd As An Excuse For Problems In A Relationship?

[ericaboo]

There's a big difference between using PTSD as an explanation and using at as an excuse. If someone is unhappy with how I've behaved, first of all they just need to tell me what I did - how can I fix what I don't even know...

Then - OK, let's just say PTSD is the root cause to why I reacted poorly - isn't that information that the other person needs to know- just so they can have persepective on what's going on - and hopefully not take it so personally?

Of course I'm sorry, and if I'm doing everything I can to address my issues, then where the malice? I'm tired of always having to be the wrong one, the sorry one, but that's life I guess.

I also get it that nobody has to put up with my blow ups, and that's their choice and I respect that. I'm not locking anyone up and making them stick around me. I would just hope they can respect the fact that I didn't ask to be this way, and treat me with some respect and dignity as well.

In my case, we're dealing with multiple people who have their own mental health issues as well, and they've been accused and misunderstood. So it's like - their come-uppance to finally be able to play that card on someone else. And it's an impulsive insult that just pops out from frustration.

 

[Lionheart]

I have used PTSD as an explanation and been accused of using it as an excuse, more than once. I was even called a "professional victim." *(whatever that is)

I have several chronic illness of which PTSD is but one. If a sig. other can't take a bit of time and energy to educate themselves about something that obviously affects me in a serious way, then it's my opinion that I need to move along to someone who cares enough to learn.

I don't use PTSD as a scapegoat for my character flaws. I take responsibility for my actions/inactions, but do not accept blame. To my mind, blame implies guilt and I am not guilty of anything!!! With PTSD severe enough to disable me for 12+ years, why would I need to make up excuses for myself? :confused:

 

[Anna]

Tell you something, next time that someone does that to me I will no longer be part of their life. We have been through so much pain and being slapped in the face like that is just plain wrong.

 

[Jen93]

My therapist does. It makes me furious that she thinks that I'm using it as some kind of mechanism for "not having to be with people" like my friends. She's unbelievable. If she were actually WITH me 24/7 she'd get it, but she's just not.

 

[Heather]

Yes!!!!!! An old boyfriend wanted to get high by smoking dope and he knew that my father used to get high and then would......

So, he never did it around me but one night he was going to and when I protested he said, "can't you just forget about that for once?"

Obviously he's NOT my boyfriend anymore. Can anyone say asshole?:devilish:

 

[Anna]

My therapist does. It makes me furious that she thinks that I'm using it as some kind of mechanism for "not having to be with people" like my friends. She's unbelievable. If she were actually WITH me 24/7 she'd get it, but she's just not.

Whoa. I would get a new therapist. That is not right.

 

[crazytrain]

I find myself resenting my wife a little bit lately...she says she loves me, and I truly believe she does, but she does not seem to have a clue or want to have a clue about this disorder that I have lived with for so long. It's hard to explain to all the "normals" out there...

 

[AngelaMarie]

The last friendship I tried to have I was accused of being lazy and selfish when I would have problems leaving the house or doing what she wanted me to do. That was it for me trying to make friends for a while. It's not enough that I have to suffer with these problems but then to be treated badly. No thanks.

 

[Kimpersonal]

This is a disturbing, but at the same time helpful, chain of messages. I'd like to put a different spin on it.

My ex-husband would complain that I was just using my disorder to get away with being emotionally out of control. BUT, he would also blame my PTSD for EVERY problem in our marriage. Any argument we had automatically became MY fault because I was the "psycho" one in the relationship, afterall, right?

He could be a complete jerk, which would trigger me, but without fail he would deny having done anything wrong ... saying I was just too sensitive or took something the wrong way. He would say this in a very patronizing manner ... as if to pat me on the head for being a silly little girl!

I felt like I had lost all credibility. Like I had ceased to be a human with legitimate concerns and had BECOME PTSD without any other traits in my identity. He minimized me in soooo many ways ... reducing me until I felt the size and shape of an amoeba.

How hypocritical when people accuse us of "using" our disorder to give us a verbal slap ... then turn around and "use" our disorder to excuse themselves of any wrongdoing to slap the other cheek!

"Normals" will never understand the added damage they are doing to an already crippled psyche, unless they care enough to learn about this disorder we live with.

Kimpersonal.

 

[Srain]

By the time I accepted and started to address PTSD/Complex Trauma as a seriously central point of my therapy my husband had Mental Health Fatigue. He had been with me for years and had always been supportive but this was like it for him. He had just finished courses on Bipolar Disorder during a rigorous work schedule so when I insisted he bone up on PTSD as well, let's just say he was not very open to it.

Did I blame him?? Sure! I was dealing with a bully neighbor pushing boundaries, going through flashbacks, fighting with my family, and trying to not kill myself on a daily basis, I needed support especially from the closest person to me. However, the fact is, I am very responsible for each and every time I snap, over-react, blow up, whatever it is because I am left holding the bag of this disorder. It's not fair, it's not right, it just is.

Don't get me wrong, when my brother or "friend" said that I needed to "just let the past go and forgive" even after I had explained time and again this is NOT something I choose to deal with it's something that I HAVE to deal with because I am a target in my sleep, flashbacks, and anytime my buttons get pushed - I have no choice but to deal with it or die. So hearing that from those I shared my struggles with, that knew me when...I made the decision to let them go out of my life. I don't need to be dragged down. My husband had a choice to either support me or move on at one point after I begged him to please have a talk with my Trauma Therapist because I could not fight him along with my Traumas.

Supporters have a rough road, I want to acknowledge that. Mine has been through a lot with me and I appreciate each step he has taken but none of it has been easy, I have to always remember that, just as he has to understand that the load on my back is heavy.

Anthony posted the PTSD Stress Cup, this visual is important for both Supporter and Survivor.

There are some good books for friends and family that might be helpful as well.
Take care,
Peace,
Rain

 

[Philippa]

I want an apology to be just that, an acceptance of responsibility and a promise it won't happen again. Using PTSD as an excuse is like saying: "I have a condition that caused my behaviour and as long as I have it I might act that way again. I am sorry I did it but can't promise it wont happen again someday."

Right?

I don't know?

It would appear to be the best thing to do, but having been the one who has apologized for lashing out before, and then told not only am I using PTSD as an excuse but the person is also sick of hearing apologies for it...it's not always gonna cut it.

And is it really true to say that anyway when it's wholly possible that it WILL happen again? An apology is supposed to mean "I won't do that again", but with PTSD, it's a hard call to make because you could really mean that at the time, and then a month later it just happens and you are then in the shit again.

I can see what you mean though about it saying that the condition caused the behavior. I don't agree with that, but at the same time, sometimes it does mean that things will get exasperated, and lashing out may happen...especially if the person is in pain.

I've had people tell me I am ALWAYS like that, lashing out at people, but I know that isn't true...and others I know, know it isn't true also. There are loads of moments and interactions in between that are not involving me taking shit out on other people.

I can go for a long time without having any sort of trigger that brings out a snarky response or some sort of bad behavior, so when someone says that to me, it pisses me off as it is blatantly false and exaggerated and wrong, but even so, I am still responsable for when it does happen.

If you have run out of your apology quota then it's normal that people will start to get impatient with you for saying it and continuing the behavior.

 

[just me here]

I don't know?

....... is it really true to say that anyway when it's wholly possible that it WILL happen again? An apology is supposed to mean "I won't do that again", but with PTSD, it's a hard call to make because you could really mean that at the time, and then a month later it just happens and you are then in the shit again.

I think you got it. I was trying to say just that- I don't think you can really give or accept half an apology and if an apology includes reasons for the event/behavior/transgression and an understanding that those reasons may cause another occurance, it aint a whole aplogy in my book.

Sadly, it is the truth. Although I was floored by it and many of the posts in this thread express a similar reaction to it, I am getting to a place where I can understand the people that tell us we use our PTSD as an excuse for our actions.

I think about those signs you see that say "this property protected by a trained attack dog 3 nights a week- you guess what nights". Stated clearly BEFORE an incident, an explanation of PTSD to a new person in your life is not an excuse but a warning....no one gets bit but it might be because no one dares to come around.