Has Anyone Ever Accused You Of Using Ptsd As An Excuse For Problems In A Relationship?

[HëllaBubz]

I don't use PTSD as a scapegoat for my character flaws. I take responsibility for my actions/inactions, but do not accept blame. To my mind, blame implies guilt and I am not guilty of anything!!! With PTSD severe enough to disable me for 12+ years, why would I need to make up excuses for myself? :confused:

OMFG I was just having this argument/discussion with my partner the other day....was trying to explain to him that I understand that I have done things in the past, however I refuse to take responsibility for it, because for me responsibility=blame=guilt=something I could have done about it, and that's just not right!

If I'm able to have a conversation about my awareness of what happened, and how we can prevent it next time, then I think its unfair to expect that my actions in the future could in some way incorporate my actions in the past when I was a zombified wreck, unable to manage anything or care about anything either.

I'm not sure if what I've said makes sense.....

 

[frogprincess]

I know exactly what your talking about just me here. This has been happenng to me almost every other day. It doesn't matter what I say or do it gets turned around as if I'm flat out crazy. The worst part is that my boyfriend says when am I gonna stop using the PTSD to make excuses for my reactions, and start living life like the rest of the world. Its so hard not to be validated emotionally, and someone always turning it around.

I feel like I could have a friend pass away or something and he would still throw it at me, but the worst part is he said that I don't have PTSD that I should quit letting people put stuff in my head. We just figured out I have suffered from PTSD since I was 3 years old. I don't know if this helps but I wanted to tell you I understand. I've been trying a new method with people by trying not to take their bait. But it takes alot of restraint on my part, I catch myself chanting during the situation, "Is what their saying a big deal to me in all reality". I hope it gets better, take care.

 

[just me here]

thats a good way to think about the confrontations and such, I try to ask myself "am I getting hooked into an argument that I could easily pass up?"

I had a counselor that told me for years that unless there is blood, it isn't a big deal. I used to argue that being overly cautious, hyper vigilant and alert to the possibilities was my way of keeping things from getting bloody, I was trying hard to make a big deal out of keeping things from becoming a big deal and she never bought it. She insisted that I was way off on my ability to decide what was a big deal and what wasn't, that I needed to stop being so concerned about things I can't do anything about.

I understand the struggle for constraint when people do or say things that seem like a big deal but in reality anything anyone says is just vibrating air, totally transient and like all things will pass. It is an ongoing fight for me too, maybe it would be easier if I wasn't so absolutely sure that I need to stay on top of things all the time and avoid all of the trouble for me and my family that I can. It feels like a big deal, all the time.

Thanks. I hope you can find ways to get the people in your life to understand whats going on inside, why you react and do the things you do the way you do. Sometimes I still feel like it is "just me here", hopefully not for you too, hopefully this too shall pass.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi- interesting topic. My husband never accused me of this. I have been really lucky. He has said and done incredibly hard things but he has never accused me of making excuse.

If I have crossed a line, I will admit it and make what amends I can.

I think it is because he never really understood about my ptsd. It was a painful childhood and he was trying to make up for it by making me happy. So I guess I have been lucky as far as that goes.

But I have only 2 friends and one of them is my sponser. I had to let go of friendships because I kept on picking dysfunctional people that I falsely believed were healthier than me.
I used to apologize and explain myself to people thinking if they knew they would understand. they did'nt.

so I was used to making alot of amends. I wonder how many amends I made that were not my fault? Great topic.

 

[Kimpersonal]

Making amends. Grovelling. Begging forgiveness for reacting to threatening stimuli. For reacting to "perceived" threatening stimuli when I am wrong ... because it pisses people off to be thought of as a threat and could make them angry enough to transform into threatening stimuli. Whatever. :notworthy: I don't know if I will ever feel worthy ... I wouldn't know what it felt like if it bit me! :unsure:

 

[Dethuan]

Afraid of going down that road so I just give up and leave without explaining.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Has Anyone Ever Accused You Of Using Ptsd As An Excuse For Problems In A Relationship?

No, but my husband has refused to accept that his PTSD has caused problems in our relationship. Go figure.

 

[krikkit]

Yes. An ex of mine once accused me of being a loser because at the time my functioning was slipping and I was becoming more and more of a recluse. I weakly tried to explain that I was just feeling scared and I didn't want to be in public. She said it was stupid for me to be afraid of being in public and obviously it was just an excuse since I could go out fine very late at night and I snapped "I have PTSD, [girlfriend's name]!" She shouted back "Okay, you have PTSD! So what! Get OVER it already, everything is because of PTSD! Take some responsibility for yourself!"

We didn't date for much longer. It was pretty hurtful though. I wish I could get OVER it. That would be fantastic.

 

[HëllaBubz]

errrrr....nasty little @#$%ing female.:devilish:

And I'm female! :laugh:

 

[frogprincess]

O boy do I understand all of that! Nasty is right. I wish people could understand what I go through instead of acting like I'm crazy or its easy to get over it. If I could get over it I surely would.

 

[Red Feather]

I know both sides of this story, except that most of my life the actual diagnosis was never part of the discussion. Because I hadn't been diagnosed yet. And my mother wasn't either. I know she was severely abused and I know she has anger issues because of it. But she never worked on them. She used whatever she could to excuse the way she treated us, but the excuse was never her PTSD, it was just: that's the way she was and she saw nothing wrong with it. I think she was just always triggered, and that was the only way she had in reacting... i.e. SCREAMING her head off. She doesn't know the damage she did to me.

I don't yell my head off like she does. I used to when I was married and felt threatened. That made things real worse for me and I got hit because of it. My ex never knew that I had PTSD, but after I sent him a letter explaining PTSD he said that I had been acting like that already during our marriage.

Recently, before my diagnosis I didn't want to meet up with my friends. This was not anger, but it was because I wasn't well. And my friend took it soo personal, she didn't want to visit me while I was in the hospital and now doesn't talk to me anymore. She says she has too many problems herself. I feel like she was using me because whenever we talked, we talked about her problems mostly. And once she found out I had PTSD, she didn't want to meet anymore because she found out I had so many more problems then she does. I find that wierd. I don't think I was making PTSD an excuse, but I still would like her to understand the level of social impairment the PTSD gives me. I can't just call her up and act as if that didn't hurt.:(

 

[HëllaBubz]

My mum started showing symptoms in '99, but no one knew what was going on, because mum had told no one what had happened to her when she was young.

But 11 years later, she was diagnosed, and after all the crap that happened, it made so much sense.
I think the worst part for me was finding out that she had very little support, stuck on a farm homeschooling three children must have been absolute hell for her.

Honestly Nadia, some people are so focused on remembering the crap that they do not remember the good times, like your ex.
And with your friend, she sounds a lot like my father, very negative, if not, must look for something negative to complain about, and no one else's problems are allowed to register, because hers are the only ones that matter in her universe.

lots of hugs sweetie, I get the whole social thing, all my friends have pissed off too, and now if I need help or moral support, I have to pay my cleaner to come in, because she's just as bored and lonely as I am.

One of my partner's friends is a bit of an airhead, she went into 4 thousand dollars debt for a 'self improvement/ awareness' course, and when she got back, I spent several days having to listen to her tell me that all my PTSD and depression and anxiety was a product of my imagination and that all I had to do was think positively.........let's just say that my poker face and patience was sorely tried!

I told her to f%ck off after I posted on facebook how I really wanted a specific android phone, and she replied by telling me to 'who cares about finances, just go out and buy it', and when I told her that I couldn't do that, because I had my partner to think about, and so she said 'who cares about him, think about yourself and just go get it, he'll pay for everything else'.......


And that's when I hit the roof and told her to $%^& off, and that she was the most financially irresponsible person I had ever met, and I never wanted to cross paths with her again.

About 6 months later, my partner convinced me to go for dinner with him and her, and she started complaining about her relationship, and during the course of the conversation, my partner and I stated that we use communication to sort our issues, and so she stated that she couldn't be bothered, and she wasn't adverse to just going and finding someone else for the interim! and so I said, what, cheat? and she just shrugged her shoulders and said yeah, why not!

Is it just me, or would you guys have hit the roof also?