Has Your Weight Fluctuated Because Of PTSD?

[Jen93]

Does anyone else "punish" themselves by gaining weight so you become unattractive and therefore less apt to be abused in some way?

I force myself to lose weight thinking that it will keep me from getting picked on because of my body size. All it does is just make me pick on myself for feeling like I'm big. For me, it's like I "punish" myself by losing weight so that I "look perfect" and then there's one less thing to about me that will lead to me being abused.

Wow... I never thought of that before... Maybe I DO have an Eating Disorder... :o

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hmm, I've definitely gained weight this past 6 months. But whether that's due to the PTSD or the medication or what I don't know. I'm getting too fond of fast food. But I wouldn't class myself as 'overweight' as such. Not that I dare weigh myself.

Jen-I was a 'premmie' (love that!) too. So I've always been on the skinny side of 'normal'...not being allowed meals probably didn't help :rolleyes::( So now I feel fat. But if I'm honest, I think I've got a way to go before I'm actually fat.

 

[Abacus]

I have had major issues with weight as a result of dealing with trauma. In the first 3 months after my first big trauma I gained 50 pounds. In the 5 years since I have gained another 80 pounds. I think I over eat to deal with all my mental health issues, but eating is a way to feel I have control over my body when my body was violated from trauma. I am just starting to try to lose weight again and trying to change my eating habits leads me to have more flashbacks, etc.

 

[Chincho]

Since I was diagnosed my weight has been on a rollercoaster. I gain and lose weight constantly. I know the switches in medication have a lot to do with that, but it's also that my appetite changes constantly.

 

[The Albatross]

Since age 20 - 45 I've had 3 or 4 major weight losses - 2 that I can attribute to post traumas and 1 to being an active alcohol abuser. The 4th seemed to have something to do with a need to "control". I went from 150 down to 98, 102, 105, and 108 in about 9-12 weeks (5'6" and medium build). At the time, MD's said it was "unexplained". I didn't figure out it was depression and/or trauma induced until about 12 years ago. The last round I became shocked when an aunt sent me photos of a Christmas party we'd attended and I actually saw what I looked like (I was a size 4 but with my body type even as a slender teen an 8 was my "healthy" weight). My rib cage was sticking out through my clothes, my cheeks were sunken in. Extremely disturbing. I swung the other way for a decade... partly to quitting alcohol and cigs, partly to being hit with massive steroids due to an illness and went up to 208 in only 3 months.

Since that time, I have been within my goal weight (145-150) about 10 times. Each time, I fall of the wagon and put back on 15-20 pounds. I have had to recognize that there is a psychological aspect to my weight. I'm holding steady (have been for several years) plus or minus 10 pounds (160-180). But am not at all satisfied with my progress in this area.

I have yet to hit on the issue that will need to be dealt with to get me some success in this area.

It may not sound like much, but it's been a big source of frustration because now that I'm stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease - my cholesterol needs to be down to 140 by January and I am to quit smoking again. So there is a solid medical reason for me to hit my goal weight if not lower than 150. But I get close and then slide back to 170-180.

My mom and dad were both obese, my mom is grossly obese. So is my MIL. I've got some deffinite issues about it.

Part of my hardwiring is that, left on my own devices I meal skip or at times won't eat at all for a day or a day and a half (my new "max")... but then binge on high carb or fatty foods. It upsets me no end and there's a good bit of shame because my own mother is a binge eater. It also pains me to have my husband caretake and quiz me on if I ate meals each day other than supper.

I changed my behaviors some, cooking is a VACI ... but still am inconsistent with breakfasts mostly because of the many food allergies. I just wish I could get a handle on this so I could hit and maintain my goal weight. It has gone on far far too long.

 

[maddog]

Interesting that you should mention the need to "control" Alba. I have battled with this need, and with its rather self destructive impact on my life and well-being, ever since I was a teenager. Limiting food and starving myself has been a longstanding and intermittent source of control-seeking, which at its worst has left me teetering on the edge of anorexia and disgracefully thin, and at best is always a nagging urge in the back of my mind and something I default to when distressed or in a particulaaly self-critical or self-hating frame of mind.

It's frightening, particularly as I am all too aware of the deeply maladaptive and destructive nature of it, and also the fact that I am not in fact aiming for a particular weight goal or image, because it really isn't about body image at all. And so in effect there is no goal, nothing is ever good enough, it's always just about continuing to control, more and more the harder it gets.

Thesedays the problem is manageable, though barely at times. Probably something I should find the courage to talk to my T about some time, particularly now that a whole raft of recent trauma memories include a horrible component of intense and chronic nausea an inability to eat, which seems to piggyback perfectly onto my feelings of shame and self disgust that are also inherent in such memories, and suddenly, somehow, it's damn difficult to get food down at all, even if I've managed to convince myself it's ok to allow it.

Difficult, somehow humiliating stuff.

MD

 

[Taven Carlsen]

I am waaaay too skinny. I puked like crazy from the stress during The Crazy Days, and have only gained back 10 pounds. I don't know what that is in stone/KGs but it's not much. (I know, I know. I complained to a friend and he says, "Taven? *pats his tummy* Wanna trade?" He's chubby not fat but you get the joke.)

 

[Deleted member 14359]

When the incident ocurred that sparked off my PTSD in January this year I was 10 1/2 stone...a healthy size 12 for me at 5 foot 9 inches. I was dissasociating a lot and having flashbacks. I was not eating as I never felt hungry. My brain and sole were too occupied to consider food. I was now 9 1/2 stone. Within a couple of months work colleagues had me eating again...one stable meal a day and now I am able to eat two meals a day and I weigh in a little over my start weight. I now feel too large for my size as I have havent been this large for so long. The heaviest I have been is 11 stone and Im afraid I am heading that way again. I don't know why I am putiing on the weight. It isn't meds, it's not over indulgence...confused!

 

[Dissociated1]

I am not on any antipsychotic meds but my weight dropped from 173 to 146 in about 5 months. Something changed in my metabolism; my wife says I am so hot she can't even sleep against me any more. It's been that way for 3 1/2 years now. Mighty skinny at 5 ' 11".

 

[Dissociated1]

Limiting food and starving myself has been a longstanding and intermittent source of control-seeking... there is no goal, nothing is ever good enough, it's always just about continuing to control, more and more

I have controlled what I eat since I was in my early 20's, fasted a day a week with the justification of spiritual discipline and unconsciously never letting myself get over a rail skinny 162 pounds/6' 1". When I was a kid I drank more than any of my buddies, went out of my way to make jobs difficult, 16 hour work days, working on the car in the rain or the show, played stupid games of pain with flames, holding my breath to show how much control I had. I had no idea until our couples therapist pointed out to me and my wife a few months ago that it had always been about seeking control. She is a also an eating disorder specialist and she told us that weight control (not actual eating disorder like bulimia or anorexia) is common in males who have been sexually abused.