Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, double hate, looooooathe entirely!!!

[Stephernovas]

Hate can be applied to the way I feel about everything these days. I feel like everything I do throughout the day I no longer worry if I hurt someone's feelings or what will happen after an interaction (you know, if you're mean then you likely will lose a friend or something). I break things down to the basic reason of why we do anything in life - survive.

It's like my mind won't let me bothered by measly little issues (like what one friend gossiped to another and who found out). On one hand this is amazing, because who wants to be concerned with that anyways. But on the other, I wish I was relaxed enough to spend time having that be the biggest concern/stressor in my life!

At the end of the day, a lot of the things that are causing me such increased stress aren't even that horrible.

!) I have to move because my landlord's neglect almost killed my dog and she couldn't handle being accountable (not that I even asked that of her)
2) I just found out my doctor is randomly closing their practice and there are slim to no doctors taking new patients (this will be a b*tch to try to navigate the medical system while trying to recover from my trauma - not currently taking meds, but incase something physically occurs)
3) I had to get a bunch of work done on my vehicle
4) Ensure appointments are set up for an upcoming surgery
5) See, and try to figure out how to keep seeing the dietician (because stress makes you not eat properly), so you can be accountable in making sure you're doing what you can to support yourself while anxious/stressed -- BUT, at the end of this month because I no longer will have a doctor at the clinic, I won't be allowed to book appts. with said dietician (there goes my efforts - f*ckers)
6) Keep trying to attend therapy and put in honest effort
7) Keep worker's comp at bay from shoving return to work down my throat (which they seem to refuse to listen that right now sending me back will cause me to spiral)
**I'm probably leaving out a bunch of stuff**

Technically this is all totally manageable, but with my brain being a little sky high ball that bounces around sporadically in various directions, I'm not sure how I'm expected to manage everything with a smile on my face.

THEN! Sometimes things will seem to lessen and I am feeling better, but one small phone call of having to re-schedule something or a small change makes me lose it. Even if the change has barely any impact on things, if at all....ugh. It takes me forever to adjust and I am always a little stress ball. I've also recently been developing stress hives/anxiety rashes. Go me!

 

[Muttly]

Ok, I'm going to reality check you on your stress load. That is a lot. Surgery and moving are super big stressors for everyone. I've been dealing with workers comp and it makes me want to meltdown constantly. Dealing with doctors and therapy is difficult no matter what else is going on. A person without PTSD would be spinning out with the list you put up there.

Your stress cup is completely full, so little things are going to send you off. I am so sorry that all this is going on in your life all at once. That's a huge load. Please try to be gentle with yourself. I know how incredibly hard that can be when you are this overwhelmed. How can we best support you?

 

[Freida]

It takes me forever to adjust and I am always a little stress ball. I've also recently been developing stress hives/anxiety rashes.

Oh hun that is so very much stress for anyone to deal with!!! I'm so sorry all these things are going on for you right now. But I think your reaction are perfectly normal for anyone - having ptsd just makes it that much more challenging..

 

[Stephernovas]

I am really wishing the relaxation stuff (that my therapist insists will eventually work, if I keep practicing) would start working. Anything I try doesn’t seem to relax me the same as it used to.

Before, drinking a glass of wine would feel amazing as a stress reliever. Heading to the gym was always left me feeling so exhaustingly wonderful (no more energy left to be stressed), or taking a walk would clear my head enough to where I’d feel that sense of relief. Now, I’m lucky if it provides a half inch of relief.

I like to think of my stress as a thermometer, and my level has burst out the top right now. I use all of my relaxation techniques, and don’t know what to do when I only feel the tiniest bit of relief, IF it decides to work.

I don’t know what would help. I keep using techniques and trying stuff but my stress level doesn’t seem to budge.

 

[Freida]

Sometimes when I get in places like this I have to just acknowledge it sucks and ride it out. I can't relax - because there is too much going on. So I usually end up dissociated or just pretending it isn't that big of a deal. It works best with the things that I know have an end time -- like getting the car worked on. Or I break out my list. I list everything I have going on...prioritize by importance and list one possible way to deal with it (even if that means ignoring it.) Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't - but it helps me feel like I am doing something productive to get on top of the stress.

I'm so sorry you are having to go thru all this -- It just sucks when everything falls apart at the same time....

 

[Stephernovas]

It’s incredibly annoying because I totally employed all of these skills into my daily life prior to the accident, and I guess what I’m getting at with it is that I’m so lost in what else to do because the techniques that my therapist is telling me to practice are the same freaking ones I adopted into my life to use regularly. THIS is a huge reason I’m against working. I don’t know what to do with myself - so - what help am I going to be to someone else? Ugh.

 

[Gs172003]

I have to say.....I read your title in the voice of the Grinch. No joke. Now I'm giggling to my self. Dang you! Lol

That said...I'm sorry you are dealing with so much. Anybody would be overwhelmed.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sooooo OT but I heart the grinch. Did you know there’s a new grinch movie coming out in November?

 

[Stephernovas]

Yes. One of my nephews absolutely hates the grinch - think's he's creepy and can't even look at a photo of him. I'm thinking of taking him to see it....lolol (joking)

 

[Stephernovas]

lolol okay just a little update on this f*ckery called my life...

I had a panic attack today, and the night prior I only slept until 4am, and then wasn't able to sleep until about 1am the following night and had to get up for an appt. at 9am. So, I've been pretty much a wreck.

After cleaning up and packing a bit, I was ready for a nap. I could tell I was getting a delusional and having some derealization. I woke up from my nap feeling awful (like I was just broken up with type of heartbroken). I finally mustered enough energy to get up and find something to feed myself with, I find out my terrible landlord has left a 3-wick candle burning under her wooden kitchen window ledge. What's the problem with that you ask? Well, she's left home and gone out for however long.

Then, while downstairs in my unit, I went to let the dogs out and ensure nothing is catching on fire. I went back down and closed my door for a few minutes. When I went back to check on the dogs....the door knob was not doing anything when I turned it, so I was effectively locked in my own apartment. Oh, and did I mention the windows are not egress, and I recently found out she has a bunch of other fire code violations? lol..woo. I took the door off the hinges and have now taped up the latch so it no longer will shut/lock which makes me so extra unsafe.

How is this a normal life thing to have this much shit going on? Ever since my trauma I am SO terrified of being hurt again. I cannot do this. I would like to exit life please (not suicidal, just want to not live on this planet anymore).