General HATE

[TDaily]

Why do sufferers try to hurt their supporters? I've been asking myself this for a long time.

My wife and I have been together for 7 years (5 married). We have three children [two biological (3yrs & 3mo), one step-daughter(15yrs)]. She has PTSD and anxiety disorder resulting from her time in the military.

I try to be as supportive as I can be. Through research and experience, I've found that times of high anxiety lead to her being triggered, and boy does it get nasty at times. I somehow become the worst husband, father, partner, friend, (insert title here) when she is triggered and begins the rundown of every occasion I have failed her since we have known each other. I always just take it and never refute. If I try to say anything, it's like Miranda Rights, and anything I say will be used against me in the future. These episodes usually last a few days and occur on a month to two month frequency. They ALWAYS pass eventually, but the hurt caused by each episode is starting to accumulate on me.

We recently had our third child (my second with her) three months ago. She just had a knee scope this past week. Needless to say, things are stressful around the house. Fortunately, the new baby is very easy-going. But there is still breast-feeding and the issue with the surgery recovery. Just today she told me that she "Hated me" and that "I never cared for her." (This has been a go-to accusation for her).

I will admit I am not the perfect husband, but I do try. With her off her feet for the most part, I have been busy taking care of the two youngest and trying to be accommodating for her. But it's never enough. I've been accused of being a terrible husband because I haven't taken care of her properly, even though I've been looking after the baby and the three-year-old. I guess I'm supposed to make sure everything is ok with her first before I move onto the children? I don't know.

All I do know is that I do love her. She is funny, caring, sexy, and engaging. I enjoy conversations I have with her, but a lot of times I have to walk the minefield to make sure I don't bring up something to trigger her. And the effects of the episodes are starting to pile up. I know this current one will pass, but I also know down the road there will be another one. She has repeatedly told me she wants to leave me, that it was a mistake for us to get married, but I always chalk these up to the PTSD episodes. But it still hurts to hear, and I begin to wonder myself if maybe the best route is to go our separate ways. But then I think of the children and am ashamed to think that way.

I dunno, this turned out to be more of a rant than anything. Just had to get it out. Thanks for reading/listening.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sorry she is spreading the misery around... compassion fatigue is real!

 

[Friday]

Do a lot of sufferers treat their partners badly? Hell yes.

Being the designated asshole for them to direct their rage or fear at?
- Not your fault.
- Something they CAN learn to control... because it’s not part of the disorder. It’s a byproduct of the disorder. <<< Which is the good/bad news.

When you’re living with it, day in and day out, it can seem like a difference without a distinction... they get symptomatic and treat you like shit. Hello! Cause and effect, right? Nope. Common. Exceptionally f*cking common. But it ain’t the way it has to be. Because the treating you like shit part? Is either a reaction to symptoms OR a coping mechanism to deal with symptoms, or both. (Unless, they’re just an asshole. Which happens. But that doesn’t sound like your wife. Your wife sounds lovely when she’s not kicking off).

Because it’s a reaction or a coping mechanism? It can be changed.

It’s a helluva lot of work TO change the way anyone instinctively reacts, or to sub out different coping mechanisms. Anyone who’s quit smoking or started an exercise routine can attest to that, and that’s without trauma lying that it’s a matter of life and death to NOT change. (You have kids, so can probably understand that quite easily. It would be like watching them walk out into traffic and not doing anything. As a parent? Every instinct in you would be screaming that you have to get them, NOW, because it’s a matter of life and death. That instinct striking randomly, like when socks are left on the floor or over what breakfast cereal is bought, is crazy making... but listening to your instincts is different from being a slave to them.) So it may be hard, but it can be done. Absolutely can be done.

It’s also a helluva lot of work to deal with both symptoms and trauma.

Which means she has to be willing to.
- Change reactions & coping mechanisms
- Deal with symptoms & trauma

Therapy is the “easy button” for that... because one has someone mentoring them through that process AND calling them on their bullshit. It’s not the route everyone uses, but it is usually the fastest one to effect change.

Spoiler: Probably obvious but may be new info

IF they’ve got a good mentor, clearly. If they’ve got a crap therapist, or the VA standard of 12 crap therapists in a row? It’s easy to see why so many people throw their hands up at therapy, or make zip zero zilch progress despite being willing to work their asses off.)) Trauma Therapy is different from most kinds of therapy... because everything gets worse before it gets better (much more like rebreaking a badly healed bone, and then all the physical therapy that follows; as opposed to normal therapy which is like getting stitches on a gashed arm and starting to be better from day 1. Which is another reason people quit. Things getting worse? Is another kind of crazymaking. I came here to unf*ck my life, and things are only getting worse? WTFO? Again, though, a GOOD trauma therapist? Helps you manage that part, as well.

My point here, being? Regardless of whether she’s in therapy or not... whether she has a mentor or not... treating you badly is bullshit.

I hope she realizes that when she’s not in asshole-mode?

 

[TDaily]

She has been to therapy in the past but no longer. She did have a therapist through the VA she really liked, but that doctor left and she hasn't been to a regular one since. We did go to a therapist together for a while, but that also stopped as she was not happy with the results. I needed to be more open in the sessions, but honestly, I was too afraid to speak up during them (Miranda Rights).

She does also take anti-anxiety drugs, but hasn't since the pregnancy started and the breast-feeding has continued. I will say, I do notice when she is on them as opposed to not, and they do help significantly. What's crazy, is during the pregnancy she was much more even-keel than normal. Things that would have triggered her in the past didn't for some reason. Maybe I can ask a doctor about that. Either way, we're done having children.

I recall with our last child a similar situation when she was an infant and breast-feeding. I suspect she'll go back on the meds when the breast-feeding is done and the situation will improve as she won't be as overwhelmed. Regardless of the PTSD, breast-feeding is tough, and can be pressure filled. It certainly adds a couple ounces to the PTSD cup.

When the feeding is done when the baby is a little older, I suspect things will improve. They for sure won't be completely eliminated, but hopefully will be fewer and farther between. For the most part, I can deal with that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sufferer here. You can't control how someone behaves but you can control of you will put up with it or not. Boundries are so darn important here. At least, for me, I will treat everyone like shit and run right over them and not mean to or even know I am doing it if not for their personal boundries. I know that if I want to be in a relationship with them, there are things I just cannot do. Period. Triggered or not. Symptomatic or not. Thus why many of us need space and need to isolate. So that we don't do what you are describing. We can go through our personal hell and not hurt others in the process.

PTSD is not an excuse to be an asshole to people. It is not an excuse for bad behavior. It is not an excuse to use people like personal doormats. And it is not an excuse to abuse people.

We, as sufferers, are responsible for our own triggers and reactions. Not the various supporters or others around us.

I would seek some indiviudal counseling if you can and learn how to lay some approprate boundries. That would be my personal suggestion. Learn about and how to lay your own personal boundries. And how to adhere to them.

 

[Friday]

When the feeding is done when the baby is a little older, I suspect things will improve.

Right on. :tup:

How ‘bout the interim?

It’s so durn hard to get time to blow off stress, get some good sleep, and other balancing things when the kids are little... and x10 (fanged envy monster) when one parent thinks the other parent is getting to when they aren’t. Regardless of what’s true. Even for normal parents. Much less parents where one has a stress-disorder (see Stress Cup) and the other is dealing with someone who has a stress-disorder :banghead: :angelic: :mad: :banghead: on top of being busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. It’s exhaustipating (too tired to give a shit).

You guys got some fun in your lives? Time for each of you to sleep? And regardless of whether or not she’s willing... those things in your life?

(There are times when you have to put your oxygen mask on first. In dealing with PTSD? My experience says that time? Is “always”. And I’m the combat vet in this scenario. Can’t be someone else’s rock when you want to throw them in the lake, ya know?)

 

[grit]

I can only speak from my experience with extreme violence on daily basis under the one who supposed to love me the most - my mother, and I did not know how full of hate I was until I sat on therapist's couch.
I suppose I swallowed all pride and suppressed it all along but it had to come out like leaking bag in the therapy and then took over my life but I hardly (using this word for a reason) took it on those close to me. My hate was saved for political leaders, stupidity and toward myself but not toward my loved ones - esp my husband. Your wife is suffering from double PTSD ---from military as a real moral dilemma as well as something that happened previously that got triggered by the second PTSD not to mention having children and babies is not a picnic.

I do not have an answer for you but I hope for your own mental health and that of your children, you have therapy to help you cope and also get strength for your own self.
If you are refusing to see therapy or unable to learn how manage your own life, there are those living among us who may have their own masochism conditions and not aware.

 

[Mach123]

Lots of reasons. But first of all a nursing mom with pain from a surgery? That's a powder keg under any circumstances, and I'm not usually sympathetic with these women and how they treat their husbands.

2nd, the trauma is emotional damage. So who we are involved with intimately gets the brunt in my experience.

3rd, you love her. I love my wife too. It's really hard because they go for the jugular when angry but she's not feeling well, it's not you.

This I had an extremely difficult time with because I thought when my wife was mean she didn't love me. One has nothing to
do with the other? She loves me, she's just mean. When she's not feeling well, she takes it out on the people around her.

My experience, if she starts ignoring you, then it's time to worry. The rest of it is love lol, enjoy it. I never understood when we were kids and the girls were being mean it meant they "liked" you.

The only one in this situation you can do anything about is you.