Sufferer Have Ptsd Due To Rape

[Deleted member 14359]

I have been pondering over my story and whether to post here for so long now. It is time to get it done.

I was beaten and raped when I was 15 years old. I now have PTSD because I didn’t deal with it after it happened. I now feel alien to myself and can’t help wonder who I am and when am going to get through the day without the bad feelings, anguish, anger, violation etc etc.

It all started with bad parents I guess, they were always too busy to recognise me. I was brought up with high expectations, not to complain and get on with it. If I ever went against the grain and tried to talk to them I would soon feel the consequences at my mother’s hands. Not surprising then that I find talking about my feelings so difficult, I was never taught.

I went off the rails eventually at 12 years old, I think. Got involved with drink, drugs, crime and hung out with what I thought were friends at the time. I was young, naïve and a little street wise.

Then one night, when I was 15 and not living at home because I had been thrown out, a guy came into the house I was staying at. We were alone in the house. I kind of knew ‘him’ – that f*cking wanker, but not that well. I don’t even know his name so I’m left with ‘him’. Anyway, he tried to kiss me…urrhh so wrong, he was like 30 odd years old, stunk of fags and BO, ‘he’ disgusted me. I moved away from ‘him’ so, ‘he’ grabbed my hair and pushed me up against a wall, licked my face, brushed ‘his’ hands all over my body and tried to kiss me. I fought to get free, so ‘he’ dragged me up the stairs, threw me to the floor, kicked me in the ribs and shouted at me to stop screaming and crying.

At this point I knew what was next and I knew I would struggle to stop it. I was sobbing on the floor. ‘He’ told me to get undressed but, I shook my head. ‘He’ told me again and slapped me across the face and kicked me in my ribs again. I refused again and again and again. Eventually ‘he’ ripped off my jeans and pants.

I was absolutely crapping myself; hysterical is not a strong enough word. I fought so much to get out of there but, ‘he’ was so strong. ‘He’ managed to pin me down and hold one hand over my mouth to keep me quiet.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I am sorry you went through that, and it's even hard when you are young and have no one to tell. I know that feeling too, and I know many here can relate to you.

Take your time and do some reading. The chit-chat section is great to start in, as it can be funny and relaxing. :)

Best wishes.

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Ayesha
Thank you. I have done loads of reading and understand my condition well, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with though, as Im sure your aware.

My work needs to completed on me: My self esteem, confidence, giving time for me instead of putting myself into everyone else which just supresses my own troubles. I'm working on it though with counsellor and CBT. Will get there one day, I hope :O_o:

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Ah, where do I start, had such a bad couple of weeks and just need to let it out.

I was told by work to take two weeks off after I went to the dentist to have teeth out and had largest ever flashback and panic attack. I remembered something new and it really was not nice. I took the two weeks off but I did not think I needed them, I just wanted a couple of days off to recover.

Today I went back to work to discover I had been moved to an office with people I do not know and I am at a computer with my back to the room. I was then told I need to start working eight hour days rather than the six and a half they initially agreed to. I told the senior mananger that I could not do these hours as I was already struggling to get through the day. I have demonstrated, by putting myself at risk, that I want to be in work and have often struggled, but that did not seem to be enough. He did agree to me doing the 6 and half hour days for four weeks and then it will be reviewed.

To top it all off, I no longer have someone to watch my back incase I head for the toilet floor because I am no longer with my team. I want to ask, but fear they will over worry and sign me off sick again.

I held back the tears a couple of times today but, let go on the way home and cried my heart out. I feel dumped behind closed doors, alone and misunderstood right now.

Have counselling tomorrow, hopefully that will help but every time work put another hurdle up I am prevented from addressing what I really need to dicuss with my counsellor.

Any suggestions welcome, I am sick of playing the mind games and fighting the battle right now.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You might want to start a trauma diary, or a thread for your questions and anxieties. You wont get much feed back in your introduction thread.

Might help you sort through your thoughts! :)

 

[ClairBear226]

Welcome to the forum. There's a lot of good information and support here.

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Ayesha, ClairBear226

Thank you for your advice. I am going to go to bed now as I have managed to stop crying and sort myself out. It is 01:35 here in the UK and I have to be up at 6am.

I will try to start my trauma diary tomorrow, sounds like a great idea. I guess I will be able to see my progress too in a couple of months (hoping)!

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Ayesha

Thank you for the advice. I have started my trauma diary...finally.

 

[iMPACTt43w0r1d]

I hope you're feeling better. :) Keep in touch. You know I'll be there when you need me. But I hope you come to me when you need someone :)

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Welcome to the forum Ja9w, it's wonder to meet you!

solo

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Hey Impact and Solo

Thanks for the warm messages...you have both put a smile on my face and I can wipe away the tears and prehaps go to bed now. :sleep:


JA9W :)

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Was dreading work today after having four days off work in my warm and safe environment at home where there are no pressures and triggers.

I did not get to bed until close on 4am and had to be up for work at 6am to get son and me ready for the day.

Got to work, no surprises today...yeah! I am always expecting it though and I guess I will until I have settled into my new environment.

I managed to get throught the day and produce SOME work.

I spent so much time thinking about me today that I forgot I was surposed to be go out with hubby and a couple we know really well...just a pizza and a film. When hubby reminded me it sent me into a spin because I am so frustrated with myself for forgetting and the disapointment that lay behind me realising that I could not go ahead with my plans to just curl up in bed and forget the world.

I called our friends and apologised, explaining that I had not had much sleep and another late night will really make life hard for me tomorrow. I am soooo lucky, they understood and left me be. Hubby has gone out with them and my son is at a sleep over so I am enjoying the peaceful house.

I am sure I sleep the clock round tonight and get all the sleep I need...hoping. Last thing I need tonight is a nightmare. That will set me back tomorrow and limit the amount of work I get done tomorrow and I have loads of deadlines coming to a close.

Thanks again for the support folks - means soooo much :)