Have Trouble With Boundaries.... Help

[J_trustno1]

I always let people use me for favors. I know this has a lot to do with not having boundaries and skills in place which results in me being used.

For example:
Study
We had a group assignment for the paper I'm studying. I had to do the 75% of the assignment while the rest didn't contribute. I felt used an drained.

Relationship
This guy I was dating, used me for his assignments and used me physically and got away with it. I saw the warning signs and I ignored them. Now I am trying to learn boundaries in therapy.

Work
There was a work colleague who had anger issues. She used her anger to manipulate me to do her work and I always did her job due to fear of her and not being able to say no.

I am now very unhappy with myself for being pushed around by people and not having say. I really can't live like this anymore. Can you please outline skills that I can use so that people don't use me in future. It is already causing a lot of suffering and I don't want to ignore this issue for the rest of my life :( :cry: :depressed:

I feel like worthless piece of shit whose only purpose is to please people and get used by them :( :cry: :cry: :(

 

[Silver.]

Well you are in therapy, which is a great start. I personally feel that your therapist will be the best person to teach you the skills to cope and set your own boundaries. (I too used to have a problem saying no to people, a therapist didn't teach me how to say no, me getting fed up taught me how to say no), so I don't have an outline of what you should follow. I am sure your therapist knows this behavior trait well and can lead you in the right direction. x

 

[Silver.]

I left this thread, closed my laptop, and then something hit me I wanted to share. A long time ago, I read this book called The Celestine Prophecy. I have probably read it 25-30 times in the 15 years since I found it. It shaped my belief system. While I am not trying to get you to change your belief system, something sticks out in that book that helped me. They talk about positive energy and negative energy, and energy drainers (users essentially, or people that fight with you for the sake of fighting). Anyhoo, my belief in that there are people out there that feed off negative energy, helped me to cut some people out of my life that weren't on board with spreading positive energy.
Anyways, I just wanted to throw that in, good luck :) x

 

[Tricie]

Hi J_trustno1,
I am not a therapist by any means; I can only share with you the things that have helped me define healthy boundaries along the way.
The first thing is to embrace the power in saying (No). When you say no you are clearly defining to others around you that you are placing your needs first. The reason why (we) people pleasers are so miserable is because we are afraid of being who we are and feeling like others won't like us or love us if we don't perform to others expectations. At the end of the day; you are responsible how others treat you. We have to teach others how to love us by loving ourselves first.
Disclaimer* when you first start to say (No) you may feel bad at first like you are hurting someone's feelings but as you continue to slowly define your boundaries you will feel empowered by saying this word. You don't have to be mean about it just firm.
I will give you an example; I have a very best friend from college who places these unrealistic expectations on me in our friendship. She feels like I am always going to drop what I am doing to be there for her in her time of need. Last weekend we were having a conversation about this and I could feel my energy level being drained and my anxiety level being raised. I kept trying to express my thoughts during our conversation however she kept interrupting me.
So once I was off the phone with her and began to process the conversation the next day I sent her a heart felt email expressing my view point. She received the message in a positive light; showed empathy and now respects my boundaries.
With associates and classmates; my advice would be don't volunteer first to do things; wait and see what your other classmates suggest. With your co worker firmly let her know that what she is doing is bullying and how you will not tolerate it. Document the discussion and if you feel she may retaliate present the information to management immediately so they can resolve the issue.
Regarding your dating life; take people at face value. As women sometimes we give too much emotionally and physically too soon making us feel unappreciated. When dealing with the next man or if you are still dealing with this one; stand your ground and let him know how you felt about what he did. If he has no regard for your feelings you don't need him; let him go.
Those who bring pain and hurt to your life you have to cut loose. The reason why you cut them loose is to allow the universe to attract the good people in your life who love and care about you.
I have had to let some people who I thought were my friends go because they weren't healthy relationships. In return I was rewarded by the universe with some really great friends!
Take care of yourself first; redefine your boundaries.:inlove::inlove:Hugggsss.....

 

[pixel]

first of all honey, you must believe that you are worth defending

i know you are worth it — you sound like such a loyal and caring lady.

 

[Rani G2]

@J_trustno1

you feel used, abondoned, betrayed

selfworth can only be given by yourself. When you stand for yourself and make clear, this is me, and this is how far I am willing to go, people feel and see that.

People then wont push you around, because you know yourself good enough. This wont happen over night, but you can begin with peotecting and taking care of yourself.

Shankara

 

[Chem Lady]

I am like this too. I want to care about people and I want to help. I end up getting used, mostly because I was unlucky to be surrounded by BPDs and narcissists. I have improved in setting boundaries for myself. I think I started putting boundaries in place because I was tired of the unfairness of things and because I also have some drive towards leadership. I'd just take charge of my group project and tell people what to do. I'd doubt myself and feel bad later, of course! Basically, I decided to say no and feel bad later and I'm finding that the guilt over saying no is lessening the more I do it. I'm finding that my workplace is more supportive of me when I set boundaries and that my marriage is more fulfilling.
I think that whenever we start applying something new in our lives we will make mistakes. Maybe you will say no in a time where you could've said yes, but remember that it is an improvement to have said no at all! You may need to decide that you will say "no" to the next request, no matter what it is. Afterward you can do the thinking about whether you needed to or not. Maybe you'll need to say no to everything for a week and then you can look back at those scenarios and learn from which went great and which were not so great. Isn't that how we learn? We're purposeful at first, and then we learn to determine when we use that skill over time.
I wish you luck. It's such an important skill to have.