Have You Used Dating Websites?

[The Hermit King]

I recently made a profile on a dating website. When I made the profile I felt the need to put it all out there and let people know I was a combat veteran, I have PTSD, and I am on disability for it. And I even mentioned that I was a hermit most of the time and avoided social situations a lot.

Well after reading my own profile I promptly deleted it. I felt like it would be best to just get all of that out of the way and if any woman was still interested in talking that would be great. But I deleted it because I felt embarrassed.

Anybody else used one of these dating sites? If so, how did you go about making the initial "about you" section of the profile?

 

[VDWngr1355]

I get overwhelmed with making the "about you" section too and avoid putting in information on those sites....

I only put information that I feel comfortable on dating sites.

 

[Nicolette]

If so, how did you go about making the initial "about you" section of the profile?

In person you wouldn't blurt everything out on the first meeting so why 'put it out there'?! I would say what type of relationship you are after since you mention being a hermit and the things you like doing with other people. First step is compatibility.

I get the point in throwing it out there to scare everyone off but some people might be scared in writing but once they get to meet you might re-assess. An example was being a single mother. I used to tell any dates straight up as I thought if I was going to scare them I would avoid any hurt. Turns out it doesn't work like that. I didn't tell them upfront after I worked this out and I dated men who thought they didn't want to be with someone else's child yet were quite okay with it in the end. I also married someone who said they would never get married again....... so there you go!

Put your toes in first and leave some mystery and intrigue so they want to get to know you. You might just find a good friend if nothing else.

 

[The Hermit King]

In person you wouldn't blurt everything out on the first meeting so why 'put it out there'?!

HAHA, yeah that is a good point.

 

[Delta62]

Online dating sites are tricky. On one hand it helps you get to know the person, but on the other you can only get to know someone so much. For me it's social anxiety and fear of getting hurt. Fear of intimacy can look like distance but in a way sometimes fragmented. Can anybody relate to that? It seems to be connected with childhood trauma.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Greetings,

Though exceedingly difficult, paced disclosure is best. A hallmark of one bearing trauma legacies plus much rejection suffered is the conviction that further hurt can be avoided if we contractually 'cull the field' of all those poised to hurt us further. In my experience, such an orientation frightens away otherwise reasoned prospects. Best perhaps to script tiny aspects of trauma-impacted identity with the promise of lending pertinent details as and if a comfort level is established...

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A dating profile isn't written in a day and forgotten, while the best tend to evolve reflecting the capacity of an individual to creatively engage life whatever the circumstance or circumstances have shaped (even impacted) them. A hard balance for us surely, but for exposing ourselves a bit the expectation too is that we might in turn lend value to the life of another. With this in mind, how might a profile be written to shine light on the positive potentiality of your presence within a relationship? At some core level, this has to be the focus.

We are people, we are distinct individuals displaying differing levels of resilience to whatever has impacted us, although online within the space of a dating profile we equate to a quick interpersonal advertisement. The advertisement must then at least be engaging rather than serve as notice of someone who might be further abused. I know all this is terribly difficult, but somehow, somewhere you must sequester and project forth aspects of self that you view as positive and that others may in turn recognize as positive. Though a cliche of sorts, if we don't telegraph that we respect ourselves or imagine ourselves worthy of respect, worthy of love, a selfish and impersonal presence might be visited upon us for this oversight.

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All the hazards of para-social relationships apply with regards to online dating sites. People may not be who they claim to be, whereas others might apply standards to others that they cannot possibly meet themselves. Some (for better, but also for worse) lend dimension to facets of self that aren't strictly representative of who they are on the street, in the workplace, and face-to-face. Hard it is to determine if any chemistry exists short of meeting, and so terribly deflating it can be to register that little spark exists when a live meeting is risked.

All this said, do not strictly discount the option of trying. Many sites exist, some tailored to particular demographics with screening mechanisms that might (or may not) improve chances to communicate with those like-inclined. Also, please consider local activity groups where the formal focus may be the activity versus the overheated experience of a 'meet market' singles group. Low-risk, low-expectation comfort established with the opposite sex (or same as suits you) is the foundation upon which trust and further delicate risk taking may launched from. Such is easier in groups, while for a period I tried to attend something via meetup.com on a weekly basis to drag myself out into public. Assertion is needed though, for people won't necessarily rush up to us even if we were the most eligible people extant! Kind regards...


M.

 

[Delta62]

Resilientbibliophile, Well written and taken. Thank you for sharing.

 

[ptsdhelpandawareness]

I was one of the lucky ones, after my wife lift me due to the PTSD and we were divorced I decided to go on a dating site. I met several women and ended up dating on long term, which ended in marriage. I now have a daughter and my wife is also my carer.

As I said I think in general terms, I was lucky. At the time I posted my profile I was still vulnerable and didn't go out very often. In my profile I spoke about what made me happy at that time. E.g. I had two wonderful Labradors one 7years the other and enjoyed walking them. I didn't mention the PTSD. After exchanging a few emails I then mentioned had chronic PTSD, just before we arranged meeting to go on a date.

On a few dates I had people ask about what was wrong with me and about PTSD. I had thought about this a lot prior to meeting anyone and thought about that I wanted share and thought about how I might answer some Pics. . I hope this is helpful to someone.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I tried a dating site once. One of the biggest lessons I learned: some dating sites are really just booty call sites lol whoops my mistake, not where I want to be. Granted there are always exceptions; I chatted with some really nice people but it was like finding a needle in a hay stack. So some sites tailor to more specific needs, but from talking to other people I learned that the sites you need to pay for is generally the place where you'd have a better chance at meeting someone who is looking for longterm and are more serious about dating.

As for what you put in the profile? Just tell the truth about yourself and own your idiosyncracies. Like for me I had mentioned my inane love for corny humor and I gave an example of a recent joke I made at the time. That and my love for sci-fi, and how watching the terminator as a young child made me believe that Skynet really was the future and that's why I'm terrible with current technological advances. Silly little anecdotes like that really seemed to garner attention and get conversations going.

As for what you mentioned above, I think mentioning you're a combat veteran is perfectly fine to do. It's part of you as much as listing any schooling you've taken and accomplished. It's molded you into who you are today. I wouldn't mention PTSD in the profile because like someone said above, you don't need to share everything all at once. Especially something that personal. Later on after a few dates or so would be when I'd mention it. Unfortunately when I last dated I didn't know I had PTSD so that really mucked things up for me, but looking back I feel like had I known I would have mentioned it after a few dates with someone before anything got too serious.

As for the hermit like tendencies... Instead of saying that, spin it in a more positive way. Something like "I much prefer a quiet night in with people I'm close to". Positivity is key in writing a profile. That and writing what you value in yourself and others. That way you'll be more likely to attract others of similar/desired qualities.

Then there's the generic: hobbies, music preferences, most eye catching characteristic about yourself etc etc. The profile will change and evolve as time goes on if you keep on trying and pay attention to what kind of people you attract.

But the biggest thing: don't be surprised if people stop talking to you or just flat out don't reply. It really bothered me at first but I took it as a learning curve to not take things too personally.

Best of luck on this!