Having a Problem with Needing Help

[fin]

"Walking with a friend in the dark, is better than walking alone in the light"

Wouldn't it be good if we could all walk together in the light? We all need to try to do this. Aim high.

De-stigmatise. We can but try.


~fin

 

[Cindy]

Asking for help is my biggest obstacle.

I think I believe when I ask for help I am worthless, weak, and stupid because I can't figure it out on my own. ME ISSUE.

My experiences when I have asked for help it is usually after a huge head debate for weeks and bordering on too late. Finally swallowing my pride I plunge in recognizing my self destruction. The results are mixed.

I have learned hurtfully, who to ask and who not to ask.

Unfortunately when we are the most vulnerable and asking for help it is not a good time to find out who is sensitive and responsive in a positive way. Water under the bridge.

What I can control though is my clarity of communication of my needs and who I ask. Trying to formulate the appropriate time span of struggling independently before I ask for help. And finally realizing that asking for help is not dependence or loss of independence.

Cindy

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Cindy,

Thank you so much for your explanation, "..asking for help is not dependendence or a loss of independence". That helps me so much, as well as much I have read on this thread.

It makes much more sense to me after years (decades) of struggling with it and avoiding it.

Good to "see" you, btw!

 

[freya]

Upstream, thank you for posting the links, I'll look into them.

... here's how the conversations always go. "I'm having a rough day, and I'd like to talk." Answer "What's wrong?" Then I'm stuck. I don't know what to say. If I say I'm having an anxiety attack, they ask what's causing it so maybe we can eliminate it. PTSD is the root cause, and some other trigger is the immediate cause. The trigger's already done it's work and left, and the PTSD can't be fixed with one conversation. Entering that conversation only makes the anxiety worse. Even my psychologist asks "what's wrong" when I call her although those conversations are almost always helpful.

Those of you who have learned to ask for help or have had success asking, how do you do it? How do you answer those questions?

Something I try to do with those I trust, and on occasion with my therapist, is asking them to just listen.
Just to know that someone is there for me, just listening, or even just sitting with me in silence helps me more than trying to explain 'what's wrong'. Often, what is wrong is mostly that I 'feel so bad'. Nothing in my circumstances is very wrong, I just feel awful and I need someone to hear that and just be with me.

If the issue is that I'm anxious, restless, triggerd, frightened, what I need mostly is to get back to a state of calm. Being with someone who is calm themself and who can just sit with me, helps.

 

[Tinyflame]

If the issue is that I'm anxious, restless, triggerd, frightened, what I need mostly is to get back to a state of calm. Being with someone who is calm themself and who can just sit with me, helps.

Thanks, freya, I have to agree with that so much when I see it in print. It's almost like "picking up the vibes of the person/ environment", but I could never quite explain it. Thank you.
And I find it helps so much when your own environment/ situation is not peaceful - internally and/or externally.

I think it feels/ brings some peace and in doing so makes me feel better and gives me strength.

I guess to me it feels like at it's core it reduces fear and gives hope that "tomorrow is another day" and (I) will get through this.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry to take up the space- forgot something!

-What I meant to say is that sometimes I don't really realize how wound-up I am, because I have been used to living that way for so long, and am very adept at masks, and also because I want to tell myself I can manage on my own without help.

Also, feeling/ being exhausted I always figure equates to "not being wound up", but that isn't the case.

When that "abates" (which it does, when eg. 'surrounded by calmness' and safety, as above), I notice how great the feeling of peace and relief is, and it helps me to think more clearly and positively.

 

[freya]

Upstream, just watched both of the video's. Thank you VERY MUCH for those. They are wonderful. I'll pass them on to my friends.

Freya

 

[freya]

Junebug, I hear you. I've been studying this phenomenon of the 'contagiousness' of emotions or states of mind for some time now.
Often when you sit next to someone who is nervous or agitated (think of sitting in a train or standing in line in a shop, for example) you begin to feel nervous or agitated, too. At least, the possibility is there.
I've also noticed that when I sit next to someone who is really calm and peaceful, his state of mind may 'flow over' to mine, too. (I think that's also why it's so pleasant to meditate with a group).The person doesn't really have to say much, just when he/she is able to stay in a state of mind that's calm, it will have a positive influence on the other person.
We're all connected that way, I think. We all influence one another.

Subagh Singh Khalsa, teacher in Sat Nam Rasayan healing says it like this:
The miracle is that how I feel affects those I'm in a relationship with. Where my consciousness is, the state of my consciousness, affects for better or worse, the state of the consciousness of the person I'm in a relationship with. We want to do that very deliberately. We want to do that with intention.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow, freya, that's quite incredible, put that way. (-I thought I was just "spongey". Yikes, -I will certainly have to try harder at being a positive-vibe; I thought my mask was sufficient -ohoh. I have to be more responsible about it, in that case.)

Actually that is a very good motivator for someone like me, thank you!

I thought to myself also, just like listening, or sitting together, something that works for me (on the giving or receiving end) because I am not "very good at words", frequently, is just to take somebody's hand.

I find sometimes a squeeze of a hand can say more than my brain or mouth are able!
-I guess it helps to not feel as "alone" and also let the other person know the same, and to let them know that though I would rather be more "positive"/ less worried/ worn out it's not anything personal about them, and to thank them for "getting it".

Sometimes the only way I can describe it is that honest-to-God ptsd makes me feel like Helen Keller must have felt at the beginning when I try to communicate. I give credit to anyone with the patience and kindness to try to understand what I frequently can't even figure out myself!