Having A Really Bad Time

[jeffamentrulez]

Hi all,

I am really struggling at the moment, I had a bad counselling session on Thursday, I was terribly depressed before I went and in a very un-cooperative mood and I took everything the wrong way.

My therapist suggested I try seeing a hypnotist and if need be cut back on seeing her as it will probably cost a fortune. Of course my immediate thought was that she doesn't want to see me anymore and that I am going to be left with zero support.

After my session I really hit rock bottom and I started self harming again and have badly cut my left arm with a craft knife. I went into work yesterday morning (Friday) but I was in a lot of pain from the knife wounds and people were asking me what the problem was because my work (mechanic) involves alot of lifting etc and it kind of showed I was in pain.

Fortunatley my boss let me go and see my doctor, I think I scared the hell out of them when I showed them what I had done to myself. My doctor was great, very understanding and we both decided to up my medication (Venlafaxine) to 150mg a day from 75mg and see if that helps my ever increasing bouts of depression.

Im really scared now that my counsellor is going to leave me high and dry and I really need the support right now. Im really down right now I had about an hours sleep last night, I just can't switch off from it all, it's driving me crazy.

Anyway thanks for listening


Kev

 

[NomadHeart]

Hello Kev

I'm sorry to hear your session went poorly. I understand the fear and self punishment urges. I find myself fighting them a lot. What gets me through these times and has successfully stopped me from self harm, is repeating to myself, "this too shall pass, and one day I will be amazing and I wont want scars to remind me of when it was bad". Sounds lovely in theory I am sure, and it is very hard to resist the urges and behaviors, but it does work when you really focus on this. It also brings a sense of hope to your rut.

If your counsellor leaves you high and dry, in my opinion, they aren't suited to be working with you. I spent 10 years trying to find a decent therapist and I finally have. The others left me feeling lost and alone. So, even though I am sitting in my collapsing world feeling desperate like you, I want us to both hang on to a little ray of sunshine.

You're in my thoughts.
Namaste

 

[Still Trying]

Kev,

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place right now. I know it may be really hard, but have you tried to talk to your counselor again and ask her if she meant that she didn't want to see you again? I ask that because I have that immediate reaction anytime my therapist suggests I see even my regular physician. I've finally learned to stop and take a deep breath and ask both her and myself if she's really saying she doesn't want to see me anymore and I'm therefore hopeless (which is where my mind instantly goes). She has also learned to say she doesn't want to stop seeing me, but she thinks another doctor can help make our sessions more productive. It was painful process to get there, but it's been so helpful for me.

If you like your counselor and feel she has helped you, ask her what she meant, and it will probably help you both.

I hope a new day brings you new hope as well. I'm thinking about you.

Still Trying

 

[kers]

Hi Kev,

I empathize with you. I struggle with self-harm as well, and it sounds like feeling you were being booted from counseling set off a lot of feelings. Seeing your doctor was a really good idea and I bet you will get some relief from the antidepressant. The things that helps me most with the urges to self-harm is finding a sense of safety. I can usually not attack trauma memories when the urge to self-harm is on.

I wonder why your counselor thinks a hypnotist will help you more than counseling. I don't think it's the recovery of memories that's so important, it's the processing of them.

It sounds like you are making a lot of treatment decisions. Trust your gut and look out for your needs on this.

 

[tryintobreathe]

Kev,

I'm sorry to hear about how things are going for you right now. Maybe it would be good to call your therapist and just tell him/her how you are feeling. I'm glad you did go to your doctor after you cut yourself. I used to cut myself, but I never showed or told anyone about it. I was way too ashamed. Keep talking here, I think it helps a lot.

Jen

 

[godhelpusoneandall]

Kevin, I am a hypnotist. Why does your therapist think you need to see one? Kat

 

[ISupportHer]

I, too, am sorry you are in so much pain. I would only share that my wife also sometimes feels her therapist may abandon her. I think this is more of a fear of her own than from any real attempt by the therapist to move her to someone else. I only bring this up as maybe an attempt to let you know you are not alone, perhaps, in your fears. Not as an assumption of what you feel.

I have absolutely no experience with the cutting feelings. I hope there are others here who can help you with that.

I agree with some others that perhaps it would help to tell your therapist how you feel. Maybe by writing your thoughts so you can be scripted at the next session?

Bottom line is that I am glad you feel you can post here. I hope you can draw strength from the responses and support you are being offered by others.

 

[jeffamentrulez]

Hi all,

Thanks for the up-lifting replies it really does help to know Im not the only one going through all this. My counsellor mentioned a hypnotist because I have sort of come up against an emotional brick wall. I have a near enough constant "lump in the throat" like you get when you watch a sad film etc and it's starting to actually really hurt and im getting earache from it !!. It sounds strange but I really need to have a good cry and let all the emotion that is building up out so I can re-group and move forwards.

Trouble is I just can't, I don't know why, I keep trying but it just won't come. My counsellor said it's almost like I need a big whack on the back to dis-lodge this emotion that seems to be stuck and that maybe a hypnotist could help with that. I don't know if that's what I need ? I feel that maybe I need somebody to be really nasty to me and that would start me off and shift this "emotional blockage".

I started my double dose of Venlafaxine today and I have to say im pleasantly spaced out at the moment :thumbs-up. I have been seeing my counsellor for 5 years now and I know it's just me being paranoid, I was very depressed at my latest session and I was taking everything the wrong way. I think like you have all said I need to talk to her and explain that I really need the support from her than anybody else at the moment.


Thank you all for the support


Kev

 

[godhelpusoneandall]

I may have missed it, Kev, but did you tell us why you are in therapy to begin with? Kat

 

[Cate]

Hey Kev.

I usually go through some strange panic attacks when I have to see my therapist and then my adrenalin crashes and I'm exhausted. I try not to nap and I try to do something physical (running, gardening, etc.). I find this whole PTSD thing exhausting but I'm still here and I'm still working on it.

Just remember that you're seeking help, you will continue to get better and you have a lot of people here who understand what you're going through. We'll all support you. Just keep coming back to let us know how you are.

:occasion:
Cate

 

[jeffamentrulez]

Hello again this is the reason I am in therapy and suffer from PTSD, it's also posted on the introductions forum.


"Hi,

Im 33 years old and I live in the UK and have been suffering from PTSD for the last 5 years after being involved in a workplace accident.

To cut a long story short I work for a bus company in the South of England as a mechanic and in the summer of 2004 I was repairing some brakes on a bus which involves lifting very heavy brake drums with specialised lifting equipment. It so happened that the set of brake shoes I was given were the wrong ones and I was having trouble fitting them so one of my fellow workers came over to give me a hand. I got to the stage where I was putting the brake drum back on the hub with a special lifting tool when for some reason it failed and somehow my work mate had managed to get in the way of the brake drum when it fell (it takes two grown men to lift one !) and it crushed his hand smashing one of his fingers to bits in front of my eyes. He was rushed off to hospital and I went into shut down mode for the next year and stuck my head in the sand and ignored it until I had a mental breakdown one morning.

I have had various lengths of time off work ever since (4 months being the longest) and the other guy had to have his finger amputated. I have blamed myself for the accident ever since, I have regular flashbacks, mood swings, self harm, have severe bouts of guilt over what I did to him have been diagnosed with clinical depression and I am taking Venlafaxine for depression and anti-psychotics to help with insomnia and to ease the terrible mood swings.

I am fortunate enough to have found a brilliant and gifted counsellor/therapist who I have been seeing for the last 4 years and I can honestly say she has saved my life.

Anyway that's how it is !!

All the best

Kev"

 

[suzie q]

hey there Kev,

I too have PTSD and have a history of break downs and cutting.

One of the biggest triggers for my PTSD is to be told I have to find new therapists/doctors to handle my condition. I have started over so many times over the years that I truly just want to quit. My latest med doctor moved to another state. Now I have to find a new psychiatrist while I am currently having my medications looked after by my Internist. Don't know where to begin and so many will not take new patients. Therefore...major anxiety!!

My past cutting was for relief. If I saw the cut, the stress went away. I have learned how not to allow myself to get to that point. I want to validate your feelings while you did this, and let you know that you can get relief other ways. You are never alone and you will never be forced to handle your symptoms alone. I'm sorry that you were so overwhelmed.

After many years of therapy, I found I didn't have tools to process my high anxiety moods. With my mania, that is a handful. I found this forum and have found some new tools through others posts. I have decided to utilize this forum before my symptoms get out of hand. Glad you did the same!

Love and prayers,

suzie q:clap: