Having A Rough Time With Freelance Work

[SeekingAfrica]

I have my own online shop, and was determined to make money from it- which I have been for a good while. However in the past months I've been recovering from a breakdown I had after not dealing with my rape(happened about 3 years ago), depression and PTSD(from the rape but also the whole situation about it- a whole summer with too little money, dealing with sa, friends overdosing, too much addicts around me, people shooting others and so on)....anyway, I didn't work for few months but then got back to it. And then few weeks ago I moved in with my boyfriend, and he also lives in another country.

So not only is that a huge change, being at fully new place, but also I don't know the language so getting a job here for now isn't an option. I will do well with the online store, if only I can work well regularly. But a week ago, or 2, we went out for salsa night, and I had the strangest trigger ever- the color of the walls in the bathrooms was the same as the one from the night when all happened(that is an unusual color where I have been so far) and had panic attack, and cried and broke down, but I thought I was okay. Since then I've been completely lost, I've been sulking all the time, sleeping bad, I work sort of okay, but I stop too often, and...then I worked through some of what I felt, I wrote, vented, cried, made a bath to relax, made a plan for the next weeks, did some new things, had good time, and had a pretty good weekend, at the end I was even pretty happy, and thought I'd be good from that moment.

But then during the night I woke up from my boyfriends voice because I kicked him right in the middle of the night(I think I was having a dream of someone else...) and this morning I'm completely sulking and miserable and I know I have to work and I just can't make myself and I keep making effort to figure out how to feel better, but everything makes me feel good for about 15 min and then I'm miserable again....I don't know what to do...I love my work, but right now I just feel so bad, and all these memories just keep running through my head....I just don't know what to do...

 

[ashdawn8287]

Just breath and let it out. It will be okay and you are safe.

 

[Muzikluvr]

and thought I'd be good from that moment.

These thoughts get me too. I always thought that I would solve the problem, put it behind me and move forward. So, when the problem came back... I thought there was more to solve. Sometimes, there was more to solve. But, at some point it became clear that I'd already solved it sufficiently... not how I'd wanted it, but things weren't what I'd thought they were either... life wasn't what I thought it was... so, it couldn't be solved the way I'd hoped. But, it was solved. There was no more reason for me to be rehashing it again and again.

That's when I found this forum. Hm... maybe there is something to this PTSD diagnosis. Maybe that's what's causing me to keep falling over and going through the same thing again... constantly seeking a problem to solve. I realized that when I felt physically anxious, then I thought that meant I had a problem and so my mind would seek it out which would trigger all kinds of unnecessary emotions and lead me to a bad place, mentally. The same thing would happen when I felt physically depressed... which I've come to realize is so similar to how I feel when I'm exhausted or ill that I sometimes mistake it for depression and go barking up the wrong tree creating more mental issues for myself.

I think it's important to recognize that you were able to solve your problem a few days ago by expending the emotional energy and by journaling. It was a win! Something else has happened, and you will solve it too. You can handle this. You are capable. Just like you did before. Take a deep breath. Accept that it's not ideal, but it is necessary, and then decide how many hours you need to focus on work. Choose when those hours will be, the sooner the better, and get your work done.

After all, you don't seem to know what's got you feeling down yet anyway. Might as well set it aside and do something else. Don't be afraid. You will handle it when you know what it is. Right now, the it you need to handle is your work. Good luck! One day, one hour, one minute at a time... one task, one step, one positive thought at a time.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I realized that when I felt physically anxious, then I thought that meant I had a problem and so my mind would seek it out which would trigger all kinds of unnecessary emotions and lead me to a bad place, mentally.

I think it's important to recognize that you were able to solve your problem a few days ago by expending the emotional energy and by journaling. It was a win! Something else has happened, and you will solve it too. You can handle this. You are capable. Just like you did before.
One day, one hour, one minute at a time... one task, one step, one positive thought at a time.

Thank you
I think I mistake things a lot too. I flee at the lightest sight of danger and panic that something would go wrong. I guess the thing is, I had a huge amount of work problems around the time my rape happened- I was in another country and out of job and now it's all mixed in my head- thinking about the rape makes me panic about work and work makes me think about the rape and any money issue, however small, feels like a huge ring of something very heavy closing around me....And I am just torn between work and working on recovery, and then I get afraid if I will make enough money, panic, get depressed and then I can't work....it's a bad circle, not sure how to get out....
Thank you for the encouragement though, I will try to start thinking of it all one thing at a time...