Having Ptsd Is....well....traumatizing

[shimmerz]

I have done a crapload of processing memories, dealing with recovered memories, figuring out somatics, collapsing in public places, running out in front of cars, isolating, humiliating myself due to trauma reactions....this list goes on and on. So I have gotten myself into a sort of 'headspace' that has lent it to figuring out my trauma. Well, you know, my past trauma. I just realized today due to another posting and the help I received in it. I am still traumatized.

I have processed, by and large the old stuff. It was evil shit I have to say. Tons to figure out there. A new person in the making as I dealt with issue after issue in repressed memory stuff, emotional regulation (which was a bitch). But it never actually occurred to me that I have been traumatized by my PTSD. OOOOOOYYYYYY! I have to process that too. I lost my house, my profession, my step kids, many relationships, my social status (whatever that was worth), my husband, my life, my sense of self, my sanity. That is what happened when I got PTSD. Each of these things I lost, either one by one or a few at a time. So I need to ask. Am I being a drama queen here or is this in fact a trauma? I have been so busy sorting out developmental trauma and all that came with it that I didn't even recognize that I am actually living a trauma inside of a trauma? Does this make sense?

 

[sun seeker]

Am I being a drama queen here

No.

is this in fact a trauma?

Yes.

I have been so busy sorting out developmental trauma and all that came with it that I didn't even recognize that I am actually living a trauma inside of a trauma?

Yes.

Does this make sense?

Yes.

Sigh. I wish it were otherwise, but you're not done yet. The consequences of early trauma can be yet another trauma. There are layers to this like an onion, and you've discovered yet another one. The good news is that the tools you've learned dealing with the core issues will still work for the next layer.

I can see this clearly because I've approached my trauma somewhat the other way around. The secondary trauma, if that's the correct term, has been the more obvious and immediate to me and I've spent a lot of time focusing on it already, only recently starting to pay attention to where it all began.

:hug::hug::hug: @shimmerz. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Hope4Now]

Echoing what @sun seeker said.
PTSD is its own trauma...think meta-trauma. What happened to you in the past was a lot to process...and you did it and came through a deeper, richer, and more self-actualized person. But what happened to you as a result is a whole different set of traumas. This is not being dramatic, just real. The psychological equivalent of a medical issue with sequelae (like a broken hip or something...the surgery goes well but you get pneumonia...).

Just remember that you honed your healing skills through years of processing. You don't have to start all over again!

Hugs to you. Glad you're realizing this and can maybe cut yourself some slack.

 

[shimmerz]

maybe cut yourself some slack

lol. lol. lol. You are so cute!

Yes, I know.....I don't know how that looks to be perfectly honest, but I know I have to figure that one out.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Damn.

No, you're not a drama queen.

I'd say that all of that needs to be processed! It may not be a BIG trauma that qualifies as a criterion A PTSD trauma, but any one of those things is enough to turn your life upside down and needs to be examined so that you can move forward.

I think that in a way I was lucky that my diagnosis came before I had truly established a life. No house to lose, no partner to lose, no kids to lose, no established career to lose... BUT! I know that if I did lose any of those things as a result of my PTSD, it would have been devastating to me.

I'm glad you posted. Your post made me realize that I'm living my life so that I can avoid major losses in the future (because I know they would devastate me). Don't get me wrong, I am moving forward in certain areas of my life, but others I have literally put on hold because I know I couldn't bear to lose them. Maybe this doesn't make much sense, but believe me when I say your post has helped me. That is, I'm avoiding the possibility of all those "little t's" in my future. [Blah, no sleep is affecting my communication abilities.]

 

[shimmerz]

Maybe this doesn't make much sense

It does. And I think you have helped me too Solara. How you relate to this may well be why I am having such a hard time moving forward. I have nothing at this point. If I start working I have to 'get stuff'. If I 'get stuff', that means a potential to 'lose stuff'. Vicious.cycle. *heavy sigh*.

 

[Queen Boudica]

That's complex trauma isn't it? That is what makes it so difficult to heal. We are vulnerable to more and more trauma. Layers upon layers. It is not drama queen. Mental illness of any kind anyway, opens you up for more abuse and losing your job, your partners, your children, your friends, other people's attitudes, welfare system, health care system. Don't think there is any other condition that can wreck your life so completely and the whole system is there not to help but to destroy you further.

 

[scout86]

If I start working I have to 'get stuff'

Not necessarily. Just sayin'......

All those losses you mentioned are darn sure real and need to be grieved and mourned and dealt with, however you, as an individual need to do it. I don't think they are "the stuff of which PTSD is made" but they're real stuff and it's pretty easy to attach a lot of self blame to it.

What I meant with that opening line is, we can learn and we have choices. If YOU want "stuff" go for it. But only if you enjoy stuff, not as a way of keeping score. If YOU don't particularly value "stuff" then just collect what you think you actually need and want. The only rules you REALLY have to play by are YOURS.

Here's my personal take on "stuff". We all only walk this world for a little while. We will ultimately "lose" everything and everyone who ever enters our lives. Fact. Can't change it. What I CAN do is appreciate each and every little thing on the way. And hold it loosely because I know nothing is really "mine" except maybe what exists within ME. If I live my life in fear of losing "stuff", be it people, places, or things, then I'll never get to experience it at all. And the good "Stuff" I've come to believe, is valuable enough to be worth the ultimate price of losing it. Carpe diem @shimmerz !

 

[Queen Boudica]

STUFF keeps us stuck. In some ways I wish I could chuck it all. But then I'm too afraid. And I can't anyway.

 

[shimmerz]

Not really talking that stuff. I have lost that and feel freer for it. It is more the housing, and survival stuff. Tough to find again, impossible to lose again.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I get where you are coming from. Housing, is safety and our haven. That is huge.

 

[scout86]

Tough to find again, impossible to lose again.

The scary thing is, it's NOT impossible to lose again. But you know you can cope and maybe improve your coping skills through practice?