Having Ptsd Is....well....traumatizing

[Born to Run]

I can feel into what you write, as I have also focused on the developmental trauma and left a trail with losses, not in the extent you describe though. However, I wonder about two things; first do you have the feeling you never processed any of the losses when they happened, second were those losses not part of you becoming more yourself and were they part of that process? Leading to another question; if you still had what you lost, would that make you happy as the person you are now? Maybe the last question can only refer to the relationship area of life. You write about step kids and of course that is and will forever be a terrible loss. Being without a home is absolutely the worst, I have been there. I tend to think your loss of sense of self, sanity, life was a temporary loss during the healing process. I do not believe those are things you need to go back to and process.
I know that despite my focus on the developmental trauma, I also processed the losses, and see them now all as things that needed to be lost in any case to become my true self. I am near the end of processing the horrors of early life, but do not see myself going back to those losses in adult life, they no longer feel traumatic. Your post does not make it clear to me if you FEEL they are really still traumatic for you, or if it is a cognitive concept that you thought of, which of course can still be true as well.

 

[Eleanor]

Let's just take it one thing at a time...

I lost my house, my profession, my step kids, many relationships, my social status (whatever that was worth), my husband, my life, my sense of self, my sanity.

Are these items traumatic?
Losing your house - check
Losing your profession - check
Losing your kids - (step or no doesn't signify for you) check
Losing relationships - check
Losing social status - check
Losing a husband - check
Losing an established life and community - check
Losing your sense of self - check
Losing your sanity (HAHAHAAHAHA) Well, I'd sure say so. (however, you are one of the more sane people I know so... I'm reserving judgment on the accuracy of this one.)

You are a refugee. This is what refugees deal with. Being a refugee is by definition traumatic.

Lets look at this through the lens of Maslow's hierarchy (my current touchstone..) Primary needs:

Food
Water
Sleep
Excretion
Physical safety
Shelter
Air
Space
Touch

How you doing on those?

Secondary needs: (got this list from Rick Lavoie - I like this one)
Status (need to feel important and values by others)
Inquistiveness (need to know/find out.)
Affiliation (need to connect - esp. with something larger than you - organization, team, nation)
Power (need to be in control)
Achievement (need to be recognized - have your accomplishments recognized and rewarded)
Aggressiveness (need to assert yourself - having super strong boundaries and enforcing your preferences)
Gregariousness (need to be with others - liking to be around other people)
Autonomy (need for independence - working by yourself not having to co-decide with others)

People vary on how strong the need is - so my need for Achievement is very low, but my need for autonomy is up in the rafters. Other people are the opposite and most everyone is somewhere in between. I am finding this a VERY helpful way to think about what is and is not motivating to me, e.g., what needs I have and how I can get them met....

 

[Hope4Now]

Yes, I know.....I don't know how that looks to be perfectly honest, but I know I have to figure that one out.

:)
I don't know how it looks like for me either. I am deeply guilty of preaching what I find hard to practice myself. Argh.
I think cutting ourselves some slack is key to this healing bit though.

Suddenly a boat metaphor appeared in my head (I am a long-time semi-unwilling sailor). (I'm also the queen of mixed metaphors and random analogies...just the way I think I guess...so forgive me if this one is tortured...I'll tell it like a story so it won't be so awful to read...but I think maybe there's a lesson in it somewhere).

Every other year we go cruising (me, husband, kids) on a small 27' sailboat that we share with some people. We go a long way and keep company with many friends on other much larger boats. I did not grow up sailing and am rather terrified of it. I go so we can be family together and because it allows me the opportunity to visit little islands in downeast Maine and New Brunswick that I would never have the opportunity to visit otherwise. I'm what's called a fair-weather sailor. Except you can't be that when you are cruising. You have to be prepared and weather all kinds of weather. No choice involved. Bear with me here...I'm getting to the point.

Our little boat is grossly overfitted and many people laugh at how much stuff is on it...including 100 feet of chain for anchoring in bad weather. If you're not a boater, you'll know that most boats almost twice our size carry only 1/3 that amount of chain. They use rope mostly...lighter and easier to clean.

When anchoring at night in high winds and seas, sailors put out two or three times the depth in anchor line so as to give SLACK, so the anchor won't drag and the boat won't end up crashing into others or going aground. Using chain for the whole length (as opposed to rope) is much safer. Over the decades we've been sailing, our preparedness of carrying chain has slowed us down (a lot of weight) both in regular daily travel as well as in pulling anchor to get underway. Yet it has kept us safe over and over again in situations such as the one I'll share here. On our last cruise we were anchored in a storm with about 18 other big sailboats and powerboats in a harbor. In the middle of the night, there were shouts from outside, "Dragging! We're dragging!" All the captains and crews appeared in their undies and PJs on their respective decks to check their own boats and see what help might be offered to the distressed boat. The wind was howling, the rain pounding down. Safety lights were zooming all over the place and many people began shouting. Six boats were dragging and endangering all the other boats. There was no panic really (all are old salts) but the danger was real. As the distressed boats pulled their anchors and moved to reset, we stood watching on our boat which remained secure.

The next day, there was much discussion among our captains about the previous evening. It ALL centered on two things. 1) How much chain did you have out? and 2) How much slack did you provide?

The boats that have dragged over the years, endangering both themselves and others, all failed to use enough chain and provide enough slack to weather the foul weather.

So at the risk of being pedantic...perhaps our "chain" is constant daily mindfulness and grounding strategies, and our "slack" is allowing ourselves the time and space and self-gentleness to heal.

 

[Eleanor]

@Hope4Now that is a totally BRILLIANT and SPOT ON analogy. Chain and slack. Totally clear and awesome.

I too am in the works of
1) identifying "beating myself up" (I am really quite good at this -it is nearly invisible to me... but it annoys the heck out of my H, so he points it out. Well, "HEY, Stop that. Don't even go there." kind of pointing out.)
2) Figuring out what to do instead. Um... ????

 

[scout86]

@Hope4Now , that story is definitely worthy of a "superlative like"!