Having Trouble Planning For The Future

[cupfish]

My husband and I both have CPTSD. We are both older middle-aged, and have healed enough to know that a huge number of our life decisions were ill-advised and didn't result in a well-planned life. We have been married one year, and are beginning to plan our retirement. He never expected to live this long (suicide was the plan), I never realized that my prior career and residence decisions were so stupidly ill-conceived. So here we are, 52 and 62 years old, hesitant to put a stake in the sand with a late-life plan because we don't know how to make good plans! He is more confident, which makes me a bit more wary (uh oh, better be careful), but also makes me feel very happy that he is excited about our future. I know what I dream of, but I don't know if it's a good dream or another reactionary life change. Is this at all familiar to others?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good for you. You did the best that you could at the time with what knowledge you had.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am 60, and I find myself worrying about the future, also planning it to some degree. I have contingency plans, like for instance if this happens I will have to do such and so, but if that happens, I will have to do a different such and so. I am making budgets for now and then, should my income go down. My plans are foggy at best, solid plans are so hard to make as new health problems arise and that kind of stuff. Also, it seems really hard for me to depend upon others, yet so much of life is dependent upon others, the government and sometimes maybe family.

I am a widow, my beloved died in 2005, so this way of life is not new to me.

Planning for the future reminds me of that old cliché, "The best laid plans of mice and men..." or "Life is what happens while we make detailed plans." No matter how much we plan, things will most likely turn out differently than we plan. You can almost bank on that.

None the less, planning is what we do anyway.

 

[cupfish]

it seems really hard for me to depend upon others, yet so much of life is dependent upon others

Yes! And when you have been traumatized and there are trust issues facing old age is really scary because you need a support network, and may not have one

 

[Friday]

Very familiar.

One of the hardest things for me is that I then have a tendency to beat myself up over lost/wasted time... Which just wastes more time. Or to get embarrassed, because I'm not where I want to be, so instead of seeking qualified help now? I wait until the the 11th hour.

There are people who can help the two of you map out different paths. There's never just one path to a goal, in addition to generally needing to plan for best case, probable, and worst case scenarios.

My personal recommendation would be to speak with several people to get their input, rather than just 1 financial planner. Everyone has their limitations, but in speaking with several people you'll start to see trends & will have a more well rounded view on what can be done, how, & when! :)

 

[cupfish]

FridayJones is a smart cookie. Here is my stupid PTSD logic: you are damaged inside and made a lot of bad choices. The probability is high you will make more bad choices. Further, you don't really need/deserve a nice retirement spot. It won't work. You can't live near the beach, because you will kid yourself into taking a job you will quit, your husband who is 10 years older will pass and you will be alone, without employment, depressed and miserable again/still. Don't set yourself up for another piss-poor detour from what you really should be focusing on, which is....? This is where I know my brain is lying to me -- why SHOULDN"T I have a retirement dream?? Problem is, I want a bulletproof dream which doesnt happen. aaarrrgh!!

 

[dougyhowzer]

I know someone who just turned 50 and they been trying a lot of new things for just over a year ; trying to figure what is next in their lives .

What has helped her is she is volunteering , and been taking piano lessons on the side .

One suggestion is to maybe try to get into the arts or music in your community . Not only will you make new friends , but I find these types of activities are great therapeutic wise .

Are their these types of outlets available for both of you ?

Also talking to others that you both trust , and getting their advice is good ,the only thing I like to mention is that seeking too much advice can make decision making difficult .