Relationship He Is Withdrawing Again

[JennJenn]

My boyfriend called last night and said that the past few weeks have been difficult for him. He said that he has been feeling "symptomy". I knew that something was going on because he has become increasingly more distant. Even though we only live a few minutes apart and work/ go to school in the same building on campus we have only saw each other twice in the past seven days.

I am trying to be patient and understanding. I just do not know how much space and time to give him. I'm afraid that he will completely withdraw and want to end the relationship again. I'm afraid to push him. When things are going good I'm afraid to talk about it because I think it will make him anxious, and when he is already worked up and having bad days I'm afraid to address anything because I'm afraid it will make him more anxious and make things worse. I constantly feel like I have to be so careful of everything I say and do. I just wish I knew what to do.

 

[Sue6972]

I am so sorry you are going through this...I have had that happen to me more than once with my boyfriend who is a combat vet with PTSD. I figured out very quickly in the beginning of our relationship that begging, bugging, or threatening did nothing but make the matter worse. What worked best for me was to just send him a short text like, every other day with a smiley face and a just "thinking about you". I just wanted to keep myself in his thoughts in a non-threatening way, that didn't require a response. I also did that so he would hopefully feel that when he was ready to contact me, he would be dealing with a person who understood and wasn't mad at him. That has worked well for me.

But it has been hard for me, the waiting....having to give up that control of the situation/relationship. You have to have another life besides him, and that was hard for me too. When I would get into a relationship before him, I would usually spend all my time with them and let all my other friends and family fall to the wayside. But the busier you keep while they are withdrawing from you and life, the more happier you will be and the time waiting for him to come back out of his "Man cave" goes by SO much faster. I hope this helps a little, but I am sure their are others here with more time with men and PTSD that can give you even better ideas...I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[JennJenn]

@Skrentz Thank you!

He did stop by my work for a few minutes and say hey. He seems to be doing better today.

I am trying to maintain my life and friendships with people especially when he is withdrawing. I do not beg or threaten him. I know that will not work, and I am not a big fan of using those techniques to get what I want anyway. Which makes that part easy, but when I send him a message I have like an internal battle with myself trying to decide if I should wait for him to reach out first or if I should be the one to make contact.

I want him to know that I am never mad at him because I understand this is out of his control.

 

[Badger]

I hear you- havent seen Winter for a week and a half now. I dont think there is a way to make it easier. I miss him alot. He had a terrible week. He is single dad and his daughter had to stay at her grandparents because he had a dissociative episode at her school last monday. They are doing all kinds of tests to find out whats wrong. He is avoiding me because hes a guy, and he only wants to be with me when he is at his best and he doesnt feel very good about himself right now.

 

[ericaboo]

It's impossible to know if it's his PTSD or what, but my boyfriend grows distant and withdrawn when he gets stressed.

The worst thing is that I want him to be close when things get stressful. Especially if we start to get grumpy with each other... I want reassurance that things will be OK.

It's easier to insist on time to yourself than to insist on time together. It creates an imbalance - seems like an unfairness since the perceived abandonment sets off my PTSD/anxiety...

I hope this isn't an insurmountable incompatibility. I believe it's a great relationship :alien: