Relationship He Just Broke A Boundary...

[Sweetpea76]

You will never be able to control it,

Welcome to the forum @Hope_N_Highwater.

That's is very true, we can never have control of our sufferer's behavior, only our own.

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

Welcome to the forum @Hope_N_Highwater.

That's is very true, we can never have...

Yes sometimes, staying healthy is a daily struggle and choice to do what's best for ME and my emotional wellbeing. I constantly struggle with wanting to check up on my SO. Just last night I successfully resisted the compulsion to drive by where my SO said he was. For MYSELF I have learned I need to trust my higher power (God to me) to let me accidentally discover what I need to know and NOT go out of my way looking for things, as long as I am choosing to stay in this relationship. But that is my choice for my mental health.

 

[Gs172003]

Yes sometimes, staying healthy is a daily struggle and choice to do what's best for ME and my...

Good for you. God showed me every single danged time mine was lying. And it freaked him out lol hard to explain but it just "happened". As a believer you probably know what I'm talking about.


Edited to add:

That's what kicked mine in the tail. He knew he'd keep getting caught.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Everybody has their own limits. The line of what they are willing to excuse or overlook. The important thing is to know that you do not have to tolerate behavior that you do not want to. I don't care what mental illness or impairment your partner has. You are allowed your boundaries.

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

Good for you. God showed me every single danged time mine was lying. And it freaked him out lol hard to...

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about!! Yes it can be uncanny lol. I have finally figured out that I am healthiest when I trust that God knows me better than I know myself.... what I need to confront, and what needs to left up to HIM and my SO. Sometimes its has actually made me laugh inside how GOD has busted him. And you are right, if they are a believer, they WILL keep getting caught, because God has a ridiculous unconditional love for them also.

Thanks for the post and the encouragement zoogal. :)

 

[Newtoptsd]

I think we are all very guilty of being insecure and that's not because of PTSD that's just who we all are and what we're programmed to be anxious about. I am the worst person for constantly checking social media and wondering and jumping to conclusions when it comes to my vet and women.

The thing is he has never once given me reason to doubt him, he always answers my calls, he rarely leaves the house, he was the one to initiate deleting the dating apps, and he has said he hasn't been on a date since our first date 4 'months ago. This is where we all have to train our brain in order to let those areas be, cheating is not caused by PTSD and so we cannot give leeway to that behaviour. That is something that is a boundary in any 'standard' relationship unless you're in an open relationship of course.

What I'm basically saying is if my combat vet was caught with his pants down there is not a cat in hells chance I would be able to approach that the way I do with his PTSD behaviours. I would be gone.

Loving all the support over the past few days, keep focusing on yourselves people and think positive thoughts and they will radiate :)

 

[Gs172003]

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about!! Yes it can be uncanny lol. I have finally figured...

You're welcome

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

cheating is not caused by PTSD and so we cannot give leeway to that behaviour.

You are very right newtoptsd that cheating is not caused by PTSD, however the PTSD can exacerbate already learned ways of coping, using addictive behaviors....and vice versa. Each supporter has to learn where their true boundaries are based upon the sufferer's level of recovery, effort to recover, and commitment to the relationship itself ( someone in a relationship for a few months would certainly be at a different stage than someone in a marriage for 2 decades.). I'm not saying it's acceptable to ignore it, but recovery from any addiction is a lifelong work in progress. I'm sure there are wife's of recovering sex addicts that would be shocked at what a PTSD supporter endures also. Imagine living with someone suffering from both, yet having the inner strength to stay and support the sufferer, as long as the couple has a commitment to healing the relationship and recovery.... now that's an amazing person.... and I'm sure they are also on this website.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Each supporter has to learn where their true boundaries are based upon the sufferer's level of recovery, effort to recover, and commitment to the relationship itself ( someone in a relationship for a few months would certainly be at a different stage than someone in a marriage for 2 decades.).

I'm going to have to disagree with this. Your boundaries are YOUR limit. They have nothing to do with what's going on with your sufferer. If you cannot tolerate cheating from a man without PTSD, why should PTSD make it acceptable?

Boundaries are your limits. They have nothing to do with controlling the behavior of anybody but yourself. For example, you cannot say "you aren't allowed to cheat on me, talk to other women behind my back and lie about it, sext, or whatnot." You cant control anybody but yourself. A boundary is this "*I* will not tolerate any shenanagians with other women behind my back. If he continues this behavior, I choose not to stay in this relationship." You communicate that boundary, and all he can do is decide whether he is going to respect it or not.

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

I'm going to have to disagree with this. Your boundaries are YOUR limit. They have nothing to do wit...

Hello Sweetpea76. Your post is giving me something to think about..... I appreciate the reply.

 

[dulcia]

n MY opinion, unfortunately your SO's behavior appears to be symptoms of an addiction to women's attention...even if he says they are just friends.

Thanks for your reply! You brought a different perspective to the discussion and I really appreciate it.

We have discussed his talking to other girls in the past. Once, at the very beginning of the relationship, it came to light that he was messaging a (now married) ex of his. I saw the conversation (it was actually pretty vanilla), he lied about who he was talking to, it was a big fiasco, etc. Only recently was he open enough to say that in the beginning, he wasn't sure what he wanted out of this relationship and that was why he was still messaging her. They have since stopped communicating.

In taking some time to reflect and talking things over with one of his close family members, I'm starting to think it's more his inability to cope with what happened in a previous relationship than his PTSD alone. In fact, I know that with the right support (this forum, books, etc.) and him doing what he needs to do (meds, therapy, etc.) we can have a decent handle on managing the majority of his PTSD symptoms. But I honestly think that it's his past relationship that is still f*cking him up and that I hadn't considered before. We talked about it recently and it seems to boil down to this: he seeks validation from other girls due to his own self-image/insecurities, he feels the need to screw others over before they screw him over, he can't come to terms with someone actually being completely committed and faithful to him.

I'm not ready to leave. This past week and my discussions on this forum kind of solidified that for me. But if that's the case, I have to stop playing Sherlock Holmes because that's what I've been doing and it's making me sick to my stomach. When I don't find something I keep just digging further and further in an attempt to validate my suspicions in any way, shape, or form. The (3) times he's gotten caught have been when I am not looking. I prefer not to look. It's not the kind of person I want to be. Most often, if he leaves his phone unlocked and goes in the other room or outside, I reach over and lock it to remove any possible temptation. However, most recently I was looking and that's when I found out he lied this last time.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to start owning up to some of my decisions in all of this. I am making the choice to stay, given what I know now. I have been digging to find any small lie to validate the nagging feelings in my head and in the pit of my stomach. (Not digging as of last night.) I am making myself feel this way by obsessing. If I'm going to stay, I need to accept his apology and his word that **** (edited for anonymity's sake lol) has stopped and quit looking for a lie. If he is lying, it will come up. Once, when he was ZDT he said something along the lines of "I've always done this so why would you think I would stop now?". Sometimes he is most honest when he is ZDT. Maybe he is right. Maybe we can manage or maybe I can't and the next time will be the blow that breaks it. But that is my decision and it's been made.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Hi @tiredtexan

Just read your post and I admire you, you're a very strong person and it sounds like you really have given this a lot of thought. I am going through a bit of a rough one/confusing patch with my combat vet at the moment...

As you know I have been dating my vet for 4 months, the beginning was rosy and then he spiraled downhill, went to rehabilitation for a few weeks, came back and moved in with his mum and ended it with me. I rang him up and asked him to take it step by step etc. and that I had been doing some research into PTSD etc. and he said he would think about it. Since then I see him once a week/2 weeks. This is am fine with, he needs to concentrate on himself and get better.

I played Sherlock Holmes like you and downloaded a dating app that we met on to see if he had been online, he hadn't been on since he deleted it 2 months prior, however this morning it said 'active a few hours ago'. I rang him up to call him out on it and he swore down he had never downloaded it again etc. The past few days he's been funny about me being out (I didn't go out any of the night but I could tell he had some issue with me being out even though he wouldn't outright say it). Anyhow he reassured me (i really do believe him so lets put this dating app aside for a moment) but then professed to tell me I shouldn't miss the opportunity to date a 'lovely boy' and someone who wasn't ill and that if someone asked me out I shouldn't say no. I told him I didn't want to, no one has asked me on a date and if they did then I would deal with it as it arose.

I just spoke to him on the phone now and he said I'm not being honest with myself or him about what I want and that he never wants a relationship, he's too up and down and it's not something he wants. I asked him if he wanted me to stop speaking to him and he said 'that's not what I'm saying'. I am so confused right now, having such a wobbler and I can't stop crying. It's one of those things where I don't know if anything will come of the waiting around and if he really really really means what he's saying? Should I start dating again? I really don't want to.

Basically I am very much happy to wait and see but it sounds like he doesn't want me to? Is this a case of pushing me away because he's trying to protect me? If he didn't want me in his life then he wouldn't contact me, pick up the phone or respond to my messages.

Help needed pleaseeeee x