Relationship He Just Broke A Boundary...

[Hojay]

My heart just broke reading this. Into. A. Million. Tiny. Pieces.

After all the doubting, trying, understanding, forgiving, after all the paranoia, working on yourself, being there for him - to have your worst fears confirmed is about the most atrocious form of betrayal a relationship can provide.

This boundary doesn't come naturally to you. You contacted him. It's ok. Because in reality what you said wasn't "I'll never talk to you again." It was "we're broken up." So it's alright, forgive yourself. When we enforce a boundary, of course we want the other to fight. We want to see they regret hurting us, wether or not we take them back. To be faced with that kind of radio silence is unbearable. Sadly, it just shows more about his character.

Let me tell you this. He didn't continue to lie because he doesn't love you, or because he thinks you're not worth the trouble of being honest. He lied because it's a pattern so deeply engrained, so apart from anyone and anything outside from his own experience, he would be doing it with anyone, ANYONE. It's not you!

Worse than being lied to is letting ourselves down when we're being treated like shit. If you can, try to stay away from thoughts like "he doesn't love me." Try to take the goggles off of who you thought this guy was and look at the reality of his character. Remember what you're worth, come back to what YOU want and respect in a guy. Can you respect him after such cowardice?

Because that's the core of this problem: dishonesty is not a matter of circumstance (PTSD or what have you,) it's a matter of character: And some people just don't have a backbone. They never have and they never will.

I am so, so sorry this is happening to you. I know the pain, intimately, believe me. I could share a very similar story but I'll save that for some other time.

 

[EveHarrington]

You're setting fake boundaries which proves to him that he can cheat and you'll always take him back.

You set the boundary now you must leave if you have any hope for change.

Otherwise---and I've got to be honest-----you're actually helping the cheating dynamic and encouraging bad behavior.

 

[Gs172003]

You're setting fake boundaries which proves to him that he can cheat and you'll always take him b...

The fact that he keeps turning it around on you confirms this. He doesn't find fault in what he's doing. My husband didn't even do that until the LAST time he was caught. Then he realized he would keep getting caught. Apparently that was enough for him. I haven't caught him since. Mine would keep up the lie until he finally broke then it was FINE I'm lying. But except for the last one he never turned it into my fault. The last one he was a total ass and that was when he knew I was serious.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Consider this for one hot second.... if he didn't have PTSD, would you put up with this BS?

What if this has nothing to do with his trauma, and everything to do with him just being a garden variety player?

 

[dulcia]

Then I guess I got played.

 

[Sweetpea76]

When considering my boundaries, I always think about what is unacceptable for me period. Never mind my vet's PTSD. I won't tolerate any man cheating on me. I won't tolerate any man physically abusing me. I won't tolerate any man being mean to my children.

Those are my hard no-goes. I can say for sure they're my hard no-goes because I know for a fact I'd be 100% happy to walk and never speak to him again if he did any of those things. I'd lose all respect for him. I'd rather be alone than with anybody who'd do that to me.

You have to be that sure about your boundaries.

 

[Sighs]

I really only have two boundaries.

The first is that if he were to hit me, I must leave. I would hate to leave. I know I would make every excuse under the sun for him. But I have told myself SO many times that I will not and cannot live in fear for my physical safety and if he were ever to hit me I would have to leave.

The second is that if he were to cheat on me I would be out the door so fast he wouldn't see me for dust. This is because I have tolerated cheating in past (no PTSD involved) relationships. I would be SO freaking angry I would never want to hear from my vet ever again and there would be no excuses made for him.

That may seem odd to other people. But for me personally I would find it hard to leave if he hit me - although I hope that I would. I would not find it hard to leave at all if he cheated.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Likewise @Sighs.

My exhusband was a cheater, and I can't go through that again. It's a mind game I'm not willing to play again.

 

[dulcia]

I really only have two boundaries.

The first is that if he were to hit me, I must leave. I would hate...

Dealt with both of those in my past two relationships. Guess it's a pattern for me now.

 

[Newtoptsd]

@tiredtexan Are you ok? Sorry I've only just caught up with this thread!

I know some of these posts have been hard to hear so my thoughts go out to you. Chin up sending a virtual hug :hug:

 

[dulcia]

@tiredtexan Are you ok? Sorry I've only just caught up with this thread!

I know...

Thanks! I'm hanging in there :)

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

Not too harsh. I was checking back obsessively for replies yesterday afternoon because I really need...

Hello Tiredtexan. My heart truly goes out to you in reading about your pain.

Yes, a partners lying and obsession with attention for the opposite sex is very painful and feels like betrayal. In MY opinion, unfortunately your SO's behavior appears to be symptoms of an addiction to women's attention...even if he says they are just friends. Regardless of what it is called professionally, it is a VERY powerful "drug" to some men. I have lived with this for 20 years, separating 3 times over it. When it's someone's drug of choice to medicate their difficult feelings OR PTSD symptoms, it will always eventually rear it ugly head again. You will never be able to control it, and making the ultimatum's of if he lies again or texts other women again, you will leave, sadly really just set you up for a "when" not an "if" situation. For some men crossing the boundary actually just adds to the thrill.... of course they assume they will not get caught.

As I have mentioned we have separated 3 times. In my choosing to go back, I had to realize what I could control, what I could not, what are my deal breakers, and consequences I am truly willing for enforce WHEN he crosses the line. As an example, I cannot control him texting other women. I learned a long time ago that me playing Sherlock Holmes ultimately destroys me and I become someone I myself cannot live with. However, I can insist that when he is home with me, there will be NO texting in my presence.

Counseling can make huge changes, but a person has to truly want to make changes. My own counseling probably was more effective than his... at least for my own mental health, and sorting out my own feelings and fears of codependency. You have to decide if you are willing (and have enough emotional stamina) to get involved in a relationship that will most likely periodically have times of lying, distrust, and emotional distancing/distraction at best....unfaithfulness at worst. I hope I am not too blunt.

You are in my thoughts and prayers today.