Relationship He Just Broke A Boundary...

[dulcia]

Hi @tiredtexan

Just read your post and I admire you, you're a very strong person...

I'm going to start of with saying, I know nothing. I have been with my combat vet for 2+ years, but we are nowhere near being a basis for a healthy functional relationship. With that being said...

If I were in the exact same position as you, I can almost guarantee there's a lie involved with the dating app. My vet often times won't tell the truth until I berate him on it...basically like he's annoyed into telling the truth. Almost like it's a game to see how long he can last. Then it's my fault for being nosy, clingy, etc. If you want to be with him and you are going to accept what he's saying or would like to believe what he's saying? I would stop looking for things. (Which is what I am trying to do.). Though honestly, would we go looking if we knew there wasn't anything to find? Are you going to leave if he is using the dating app again? What if he is just using it to look for curiosity's sake and isn't actively dating on it anymore?

When we fight, he doesn't block me or delete me or whatever if we argue and he says "I'm over it", "bye", "I'm done", etc. He may keep arguing or keep being antagonistic, but he won't cut me off. And then he eventually comes down from ZDT and apologizes. I used to question whether or not he cared or how much he cared all the time -- especially because he is hardly ever affectionate -- until I started paying attention to the little ways he said I love you or I care about you. For example, staying the night with my family over the holidays even though he feels uncomfortable staying there, waiting to watch his horror movies until I am gone or asleep because he knows they freak me out, etc. So while I may sometimes question how he feels about me or whether or not he wants to be in this relationship, I usually know deep down. I think it's just the insecure part of me that wants constant reassurance. That's also something I've been working on -- well actually, that we've been working on. He knows I'm affectionate and knows he is not. So when I'm sad or mad or quiet, he'll throw in a "I love you" because he knows how happy that makes me. Showing/receiving affection has become almost a compromise we've come to.

With that being said, I really don't know how the 'is he just being a d*ck or pushing me away because he scared thing' really works. That's something I still struggle with. The only true piece of advice I can give (but that I suck at following) would be that backing off is way more appealing than smothering. My instinct when something seems wrong is to smother -- try to figure out what's wrong, if I did something wrong, if there's anything I can do to fix it, if we're going to be okay, etc. It's too much for any SO, I'm sure, but definitely too much for one with PTSD. And I know mine finds confidence sexy and smothering doesn't exactly exude confidence. If you've made it known what kind of relationship you want with him, I would just try and back off and give him some space. You can't really convince him to be with you or convince him to want a relationship...and if you are able to, it probably wouldn't end well anyway.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Hi @tiredtexan

I know you're probably right, If I'm being honest I know he's downloaded it again I just know. But I also think he has been paranoid about me and my whereabouts and he's made jokey comments about me being on a date etc. So I think he's probably done it as a response to his behavior this last week - that's what I've been telling myself anyway. I did approach asking him in a jokey way and told him to tell me the truth because it would hurt me less and If he was dating I would just need to know and I wouldn't be mad, he still promised he hadn't.

My vet never gets angry at me, he honestly never has apart from the one time he came back from therapy and I smoothered him and was needy to see him that's when he pushed me away and got ratty and ended it later that week. He is so affectionate when I see him, we always kiss, hold hands and he's just bloomin lovely! I know he doesn't go out as he speaks to me whenever I ring, he has said I love you a few times but usually in a jokey way ... saying 'I love you' is something that doesn't come naturally to me I haven't said it to him yet and I'm absolutely shit scared to say it in case that causes him to literally block me out and have a meltdown so to speak. I just don't understand why he wouldn't cut me out his life if he had absolutely not intention of being something more than a platonic friendship? It just baffles me!

When I've dated before, if guys were not interested they just say bye and then that's it ... done and dusted. I guess no amount of research can actually help you cope with certain situations. I haven't slept properly in a few days so I guess this is also factoring into my unstable emotions at the moment, I keep bursting out crying. My vet also introduced me to his son before he went to rehabilitation which was a big deal for me.

I have never once asked or forced him into a relationship, I told him I wouldn't ask him to be my boyfriend and I really do mean it, I don't need that label. For some reason and I don't know why ... I have never had a relationship, not a serious one. Commitment is clearly something I also have an issue with but I couldn't put my finger on why, maybe this is why this works for me as well? I dont know.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and your sufferer?

Thanks you so much for your words though, everything people replied really does help!

 

[Hojay]

I can follow the logic of not leaving even though everything in your body screams, run for the hills, he has lied! I did that for 3 years, with a man who cheated on me more times than I can remember, and I believed and swallowed his sorry excuses every. single. time. Why? Because I was so blindly codependent I actually believed if I just loved him a little more, a little longer, a little harder, he'd stop lying. Just one more chance, he can't be doing this again, right? He is such a lovely, committed, caring guy; he has his issues, I need to be more compassionate! He's just human too, through thick and thin, right? This was just a slip up (again), right? Wrong. He did it again because he saw there were no consequences. None. And being mad and fighting about it, talking it out till you're blue in the face doesn't count. He had no respect for me while lying, and he sure didn't gain it by me forgiving him again and again.

Worse than the lying, however, was the shame and guilt I felt toward myself for going along with it for that long. Every time it happened, and every time I let it go, I lost a little more respect for myself. And by the time I ended it, I had twisted myself into such a people pleasing pretzel I didn't even know who I was anymore. Why was I so willing to accept his excuses? Was I really that afraid of being alone? Why was it so hard for ME to show someone there are consequences to THEIR actions? It took me a long time to figure out that one lie, one cheat, should have been enough and buh bye. It took me a long time to understand what really loving yourself and self respect means. Dishonesty is not a transient thing, it is a character trait, and it will not change unless they confront that issue on their own accord.

I am glad I learned that lesson before getting involved with someone suffering from PTSD. Back then, their illness would have been the most welcome excuse for their dishonesty and I would have played along for the rest of my days. Knowing what I know now, no chance. If he lied to me so cunningly, cleverly, and consistently as has been described above he could be the worst case of PTSD ever recorded in human history and I'd throw his behind to the curb.

 

[dulcia]

I believed and swallowed his sorry excuses every. single. time. Why? Because I was so blindly codependent I actually believed if I just loved him a little more, a little longer, a little harder, he'd stop lying. Just one more chance, he can't be doing this again, right? He is such a lovely, committed, caring guy; he has his issues, I need to be more compassionate! He's just human too, through thick and thin, right? This was just a slip up (again), right? Wrong.

I know you're probably right. I guess I'm just not there yet.

 

[Hojay]

I know, it's okay @tiredtexan. There is no judgement here, none whatsoever. I just know so well what it feels like. I'm sending strength and lots of clarity and hugs.

 

[I_will_recover]

Not in a bad way.

This (for me). I feel like I hurt the person who's hurting me but in the end it's me who's actions I have to carry and more importantly have to be responsible for.

 

[I_will_recover]

WHICH IS THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

Preach girlfriend, preach :x3:!
I like to say, "you don't get a pat on the back for doing what you're supposed to do".

 

[caligirl03]

Your story sounds similar to mine. Message me if you'd like to vent or simply could use a little support from someone going through the same thing.

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

Hello TiredTexan and newtoptsd. I am thinking about you ladies tonight. I hope you have had at least an OK day. Remember that no one walks in your shoes but YOU. We can share our experiences, but you decide what you are willing to live with and what not. Consequences of boundaries broken are not the same for all also. What may cause one person to move out and terminate the relationship, another person may choose to sleep in the other room instead, or discuss it with a therapist before making any extreme black and white decisions. Ultimately they are your decisions.... and boundaries.... and consequences communicated no one else's.

Wishing you both peace, clarity, and strength

 

[dulcia]

Thanks for the support, everyone! And especially for the harder advice. I know it's not always received well and I don't seem like I take it all into consideration, but I do. And for anyone wanting an update (I can't remember if I've given one here), we flipped between arguing and not talking for a few days. He usually comes down from it after a day or two and is able to have a regular conversation, but it wasn't happening this time. I told him that he was making it clear that I was not a priority and that that was not okay with me. He ended up making a trip to see me and sit down and talk things through before he left. We haven't talked since he left due to his not having phone access and it's been a nice reprieve and given me time to remember what it's like to not feel co-dependent. We'll see how he is when he gets back.

 

[dulcia]

Your story sounds similar to mine. Message me if you'd like to vent or simply could use a little sup...

Awesome! I wanted to browse through your posts but I guess your profile is private. Thanks for reaching out.

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

Awesome! I wanted to browse through your posts but I guess your profile is private. Thanks for reach...

You are welcome to message me also Tiredtexan...we seem to have a similar story....