Sexual Assault He said it was all consensual....

[Casey_03]

I think you need to find a healthy outlet to release some anger - not to turn it inward, as you are doing, but to turn it outward. What about martial arts? Boxing? Or even just listening to angry music? Do NOT beat yourself up; you are not a whore. That's exactly what this terrible guy would want you to think; that's what your abusers would want you to think. So don't fall for it. You're better than them.

 

[J_trustno1]

How could I let my self be used? I just can't seem to answer this question for myself. I've never let anyone use before and the only time I was used was when I was 9, and the pedophile molested. This was my first so called relationship and this is what the outcome was. I wonder if I actually deserve to be treated with respect and equally in a relationship in future? There is no way I'm looking for any relationship because I'm not ready at all but I now wonder if I should just eliminate this from my life forever!

 

[Casey_03]

How could I let my self be used?

You already answered this question. It's a coping mechanism from childhood abuse. AND if this is your first relationship, it's completely understandable that you wound up resorting to this coping mechanism, and understandable that you didn't 'realize what was happening right away. I'm sure you are not the only one who has wound up in this sort of situation. I think you are right to put relationships on hold for now, but you don't need to blame yourself. You need to do a lot of thinking, examine your boundaries and have some compassion for yourself. Beating yourself up over this will only make you weaker and more likely to wind up in the same situation again in the future.

 

[Casey_03]

Also, did he know about your history of being abused?

 

[J_trustno1]

Yes! I told him about my emotional and verbal abuse by my father and domestic violence at home.

 

[Casey_03]

Then he's even more of a scumbag. There are men out there who prey on vulnerable girls, knowing that they likely have issues. Sounds like he is one of them. He has probably done this to other girls as well. He's a predator. All you can do now is be kind to yourself and work on your boundaries .... hang in there

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Casey_03. Whenever I tried disagreeing with him or said no to him, he would yell at me or swear at me. At the same time he couldn't leave me alone. It took so much courage to report him to the police with help of my counselor or else he would've been still forcing himself on me. It was my worst first experience with a guy in terms of relationship.

 

[Friday]

Maybe I deserved to be used and hated because that's what I've been dealing with since I was a kid :( :(

Change that one around... Maybe I deserved expected to be used and hated because that's what I've been dealing with since I was a kid.

Expecting something is different than deserving it.

You ALSO changed the script. Instead of sitting in the relationship helpless for years, taking abuse because you expected it? You called halt. Your reported it. & You broke up with him. That's progress. Even if it doesn't feel like it, it's huge progress.

 

[J_trustno1]

thanks @Casey_03 and @FridayJones . I think I do need to rethink a lot about this situation and I also need to revisit my boundaries. I let his persistent nature destroy my boundaries. I was too vulnerable to his advances. I felt like a kid where he had control of me. I didn't feel I was in-charge of anything.

I feel that part of it is my fault for letting it get this far. I didn't have to listen to him and follow his orders but I did it all out of fear, feeling acceptance, attention and compassion from the opposite gender. I was abused all my life by men starting from childhood that I felt he loved me and I let him invade my personal space too soon.

 

[shimmerz]

You called halt. Your reported it. & You broke up with him. That's progress.

This, I think, is really important to focus on. Because there is empowerment there. Because it isn't the same as the last time when you were 9.

If you would, consider this. This time you took really decisive action against this guy. That was strong! You may not have been happy that it took you a while to get there but you DID IT! There was no messing around with you once you decided. You went to the police, put a stop to it and held your ground! That is awesomeness CUBED!

You changed the outcome of a very traumatic situation from the past. That is a huge step. Don't worry about his reaction J, just focus on what YOU did in changing this around for you.

If there is a next time, you will catch it even sooner.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @shimmerz, your words mean a lot. Thanks to everyone here for supporting me with so much kindness.
I have already made contact with the ACC and they will be looking for a psychologist for me and they said there is a long waiting list and will take 2-3 weeks. But at least I'm on my way to work on my boundaries and vulnerability and learning to be assertive. I really need those skills. I have overcome a lot until now but I am still weak in these areas but this time I will come out even a stronger person.

The only thing I'm worried about this whole thing affecting my grades but I want to maintain my high GPA so I will work extra hard and give it my 200% this time. There is no compromise with my study, career or my gym. He can't get to me ! No abuser is allowed to distract me or make me go downhill when it is related to my education, career or health!

 

[The Albatross]

I think I would really take a hard look at this, you said: "I didn't have to listen to him and follow his orders but I did it all out of fear, feeling acceptance, attention and compassion from the opposite gender. I was abused all my life by men starting from childhood that I felt he loved me and I let him invade my personal space too soon"

There is a disconnect somewhere if you listened/followed orders out of fear... but were feeling acceptance/attention/compassion?
Also, "I felt he loved me and I let him invade my personal space too soon". Love and being in love is not controlling, domination, or a personal space invasion... right? It is a mutual esteem, regard and a voluntary alignment of two people intimately (intimate connection not necessarily being sexual by the way).

Maybe you can pick apart more why or how you felt what was occurring was love?

It is really good to read that you are framing your experience "I'm on my way to work on my boundaries and vulnerability and learning to be assertive. I really need those skills. I have overcome a lot until now but I am still weak in these areas but this time I will come out even a stronger person."

I'm glad that you're pursuing a therapist and hope you are able to be seen soon.