He Shot Himself...

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry.

I hate PTSD too.

p.s. I'm glad he had you for a friend.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@scout86,
Don't worry, I'm sure you'll see him on the other side.

 

[fly away home]

I'm so sorry. The Hurt of losing a friend is all encompassing. Hold onto your memories and treasure them. I do believe that how someone goes is no reflection on who they were. You seem pretty clear on that too. I'm just so sorry.

PTSD is entirely shitty.

 

[WillyKat]

...my T has also said, that suicide is the ultimate selfish act. It is, I guess, but as I told my friend, the view from the edge of that particular cliff is different and there are things that you just can't see from there. Like what you mean to people. The only time we ever have to say those things is "now". That's one of the most important lessons any of us ever learns.

That's very true, as someone that's been to that edge a few times and see it at varying distances every day. It's also important to remember that it doesn't solve problems; it just transfers them to someone else.

 

[scout86]

I saw my therapist yesterday. At least we didn't have to have a discussion about what to talk about! LOL

The thing that bothers me the MOST about all this, other than that I keep running across things I know my friend would have enjoyed, that I want to share, and would have shared, but now I can't...... The thing that bothers me the MOST, is how so much of this comes down to plain old stupid luck.

A year ago, when I was playing on the edge of that same cliff, without any more thought that it would take to pull a trigger, I hit "send" and found my T, who has been great. My friend actually worked up the courage to drive in to town, to the VA, where he ASKED FOR HELP. No way in 100 million years would I EVER have had that much guts! And they told him he didn't need help, he just had a "bad attitude". We talked about that the second to the last time we talked. Not that long ago.

After listening to me for most of the hour, my T said, "Ok, now I want to tell you a "good" story."

He told me about a Vietnam vet who lives not far from where my T lives. The guy has PTSD and has had problems, bad problems, for a long time, but he never sought out help. One day, in the middle of a panic attack, he decided to go to the VA. It's a fair drive from his house. Maybe an hour? So, he set out, but didn't get very far before he drove into the ditch (because he was in the middle of a panic attack). A neighboring farmer saw the car and came to pull him out of the ditch. The guy wasn't doing real well, but managed to say that he was on his way to the VA. The farmer said, "Ok, I'll be right back" and went and got his car and he drove this guy the rest of the way. When they got to the parking lot, the guy couldn't get out of the car. Since he couldn't go inside, they asked if he'd talk to someone if they came out. He finally decided that he'd talk to a nurse. When it was obvious that he wasn't going to talk to a therapist about his PTSD or the panic attack, she asked if he'd be willing to go to a near by town and "talk to a guy" about his weight problem. (He was fairly over weight.) He said that he'd be willing to do that. My T says he's seen him once a week ever since. He says he's quite sure the guy would have killed himself long ago, if all those people hadn't stepped up and helped. He also said that the guy is now to where he only sits in the garage with his shot gun one night a week instead of seven. I must have gotten a look of extreme concern on my face because he hastened to add, "No, not for himself, for the neighbors!" Only in this context would THAT be funny, but it was and I said, "Well, that's ok then.", which made my T laugh. This certainly is a strange world.

I realized this morning that I'll never get to have my friend's chicken fried steak again...... Funny, the things you think of! He gave me the recipe, but I can't get it to turn out anything like his. Or even anything like edible chicken fried steak, for that matter. He thought that was funny, because he also thought it was easy. I told him I wasn't worried, I'd just eat his. Now I suppose I have to practice until I can do it myself......

 

[WillyKat]

Things sometimes turn on luck. Huge life things. There's a passage in the Hobbit, something to the effect of dipping a toe in a river and not knowing where you'll end up.