General Biting himself, scratching himself

[Survivor3]

Stay at home mom

Oh ok. Thanks.

 

[Ronin]

Ahh, following, Never_falter2 :tup:

First off... You *are* nice. Very nice, considerate of him, kind. Like every day - don't let the situation or his anxieties get to you or make you feel you are inconsiderate.

As to bites - does he have a favorite snackable to nom on? I would bring that on a table while talking to him / open a bag while coming to him / eat it a while and offer him too... distracting him from the need to bite on something in healthy ways, while meeting it.

As to scratches - well my alternate thought went to one could point out it can go infected fast and worries you - but given he's germs phobic on the best days doubt that would go over well. :/

Other thought went to many variants of kiss it better / other joint activity in absence of physical touch, turning that care into something that's not Please don't do, but instead Let's do something else, together... but not sure how far away mentally you are now, as one has to both trust themselves (& the partner), and be in the mood, to even consider together funs that way... which super symptomatic and running hot may not be doable now.

I'll try to think of something better soonest.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I don’t know what can be done about the scratching and biting if he is basically swimming in one of his major triggers right now. I can’t imagine what a pandemic is doing to people who have issues around germs and disease.

This virus is going to be around for a great long while @Never_falter2. It may be time to lay down some boundaries of your own for the sake of you and the kids. He will have to work on his issues in his own time, but you and the children will have to move in reality in the meanwhile. His fear and triggers can’t dictate all of your lives. Yes, be cautious. But you are sensible, and you are informed... you can realistically judge what is safe and what is not. I think horseback riding, outside, with one friend while maintaining social distance seems pretty safe.

As for the scratching, it is totally reasonable to not want to talk to him while he’s self-harming. I wouldn’t be able to stand there and watch somebody I love draw blood on themselves either. Telling him to stop may not be an option, but not talking to him while he’s doing that is a boundary that seems reasonable.

“I love you too much to watch you bite, scratch, and draw blood on yourself. It hurts me to watch you hurt yourself. I’m going to walk away while you’re doing that.”

Obviously there may have to be exceptions... like if he is in a serious mental health crisis. Or if you fear for his safety.

You have to take care of yourself and your stress too, hon.

 

[Survivor3]

I don’t know what can be done about the scratching and biting if he is basically swimming in one of his major triggers right now. I can’t imagine what a pandemic is doing to people who have issues around germs and disease.

This virus is going to be around for a great long while @Never_falter2. It may be time to lay down some boundaries of your own for the sake of you and the kids. He will have to work on his issues in his own time, but you and the children will have to move in reality in the meanwhile. His fear and triggers can’t dictate all of your lives. Yes, be cautious. But you are sensible, and you are informed... you can realistically judge what is safe and what is not. I think horseback riding, outside, with one friend while maintaining social distance seems pretty safe.

As for the scratching, it is totally reasonable to not want to talk to him while he’s self-harming. I wouldn’t be able to stand there and watch somebody I love draw blood on themselves either. Telling him to stop may not be an option, but not talking to him while he’s doing that is a boundary that seems reasonable.

“I love you too much to watch you bite, scratch, and draw blood on yourself. It hurts me to watch you hurt yourself. I’m going to walk away while you’re doing that.”

Obviously there may have to be exceptions... like if he is in a serious mental health crisis. Or if you fear for his safety.

You have to take care of yourself and your stress too, hon.

Yeah setting your own boundaries and 'tough love' maybe in order.

 

[Justmehere]

I have never bitten myself, but I have scratched my arm, to the point of really scratching it, without even realizing it too... while talking about something that stressed me out. For me, it's a self-harm-for-regulation kind of thing. If someone said stop it, I'd get irritated too, and it's hard to explain why. It's compulsive. Telling someone to just stop a compulsive behavior is really hard. It needs to be replaced. Plus, he does it for a reason. His reason may be different, but it's doing something for him, and something else has to meet that need for it to be easier to stop.

Someone once noticed me scratching my arm and instead of stop, they said, hey, try rubbing your arm with your hand flat. Did the trick.

If he is biting, maybe suggest hey, try holding some ice to your arm. It will give the same zap of grounding pain, but without the damage.

Also totally ok to say hey, I will talk to you when you stop. It's a good boundary.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Justmehere Can you explain the reason you did that because I am not sure if you understand.

@Others: So sorry, no time for a longer answer. Will be back.

 

[RubyBlue]

I do this. It’s a way for me to stay grounded and not completely shut the world out. When talking about something I don’t want to, I can easily completely zone out (dissociate) and the discussion will go pretty much nowhere. I might respond “appropriately” but I’m not really hearing/my mind is a million miles away. But if I’m scratching/pinching/biting myself while talking, I’m still here and still listening and doing everything I can to participate. If I’m fussed over and told not to I will get really defensive (irrationally so) because that creates a “trapped” feeling that I really don’t do well with.

TLDR: let him do it, it’s his way of staying in the conversation with you. You just have to learn to ignore it (even if it’s bleeding- can be cleaned up LATER not in the middle of the convo when he’s already struggling).

 

[Justmehere]

@Never_falter2 - which part are you asking I explain further? Do you mean the reason why I would scratch my arm? Reduction of feelings of anxiety.

Edited to add: It is not a healthy habit that I endorse. It is likely I don't fully understand what's happening for your husband - I speak only from my personal experience about what worked to end a similar habit.

 

[Friday]

Can you explain the reason you did that because I am not sure if you understand.

Ever bitten your lip when thinking, or pinched the bridge of your nose, when gathering your patience, held your tongue between your teeth when concentrating, clenched your fists when angry so you’re nails make little crescent moon red marks on your palms? Or bigger motions... Struck your chest (palm or fist to breastbone), or banged your fist on the table when trying to make a point when angry? Slapped yourself awake / adding some color to your cheeks? Stroked someone’s face, or shoulders, or squeezed them in a huge hug when they’re upset?

It’s a human thing... touch relays calm, or focus. The more calm or focus needed? The stronger the touch. When you’re just thoughtful, needing to concentrate, you might hold your tongue between your teeth. Sad, May stroke or squeeze. Angry, may hit.

It’s a self-soothing action... that largely goes unnoticed, or just feels warmly comforting, a hand on your shoulder... that people in HUGE amounts of distress can easily take to far. Hitting, biting, scratching, cutting themselves... in an attempt to calm themselves.