General He Threatens To Kill My Pet. Is This Ptsd?

[nursenurse]

You are playing a dangerous game of chess here. I am not going to sugar coat this at all, and my support is for you, even if you do not want to hear it, because it may save your life. Get out now. I repeat that. You cannot handle this, let him get the counselling, and prove himself to you. if he is out of control, you will never be a match for him. If he gets help, bonus, then go in for some counselling with him. Even then, someone who is abusive may not change in spite of all the help available. Your job is to protect you, your dog, any kids you may have. NOT HIM. This is not PTSD, but this is dangerous.

Why anyone would one to stay in this situation is beyond me. Love is not enough, and yes, I have been there and I knew when to say adios, in spite of loving that person.

 

[lovenbliss]

I don't think you did anything wrong by physically handling him. I don't expect you to be Gandhi and sit idle when others (PTSD or not) are trying to break your things and harm your dog. It's very clear that he is just trying to manipulate you into feeling guilt and control you.

 

[Abstract]

I have to say I agree with Lizio.

You do need to get away and as soon as possible. If you don't put very strong firm boundaries in place you will be enabling him. Hitting him is not boundary setting. I understand why you felt as you did but you even say you hit him after he threw the item.

him rage with his PTSD when the 'enemy' is in the line of danger

If he is seeing the enemy then he has no awareness of his environment at all, it is a full flashback and this is not something he will have any control of. And you need to stay safe.

why it's only been since the PTSD started that he's becoming this ugly person

PTSD symptoms can cause intense rage. What one does with that rage is down to many things. Personality, habit and the past. Some people turn that rage in on themselves; others attempt to escape with drugs etc and still others let it out on those around them in various ways.

To understand that rage think of him as a small boy being repeatedly physically assaulted by his parents.Not being able to escape. Imagine the kind of rage that would develop and not be able to be expressed. You can get what are commonly called emotional flashbacks where the emotions you are feeling are from the past but they can appear to be about the present - milder ones anyway. More intense ones leave you totally incapacitated. So its possible he could be being hit by random states of rage and not have enough awareness to realise they are not about the present.

If he for whatever reason is expressing that rage as he is then you are not safe and he needs urgent help.

writing off

Writing off is enabling and puts you in danger and is bad for him too.

You are not safe in this environment and I hope you leave and take your dog with you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm confused as to why you think that you'd be "running away" when he's threatened to kill your dog?

My priest told me something interesting today. She said that a lot of women are conditioned to "make nice" from the time that we're young children but this societal expectation leaves us stuck in abusive situations because we feel the need to make things better while putting ourselves on the back burner.

Maybe you have to hit rock bottom before you can walk away.

He won't admit responsibility for what he's done, so things won't change. I've been emotionally, physically, and sexually abused in my life, all by different people. The emotional abuse was BY FAR worse than the other two put together.

I wish you the best.

 

[The Albatross]

It is inappropriate to threaten or coerce (1. to restrain or dominate by force, 2. to compel to an act or choice, or 3. to achieve by force or threat). It sets up a dysfunctional dynamic that can drive and escalate into violence.

He gets a pay off when he provokes you to violence. My present husband did that to me. It took a lot of counseling to break the cycle. My present husband only laid a hand on me twice, but his screaming, threats, and provocations caused me to leave the marriage several times... even though I'm the one with PTSD.

Very glad to read you are both in counseling, but make no mistake. When someone can threaten and provoke you into a fear based response, it is abusive.

 

[pathos]

This thread is really hard to read as an owner of three dogs. I feel like you are in an abusive relationship that is compromising your ability to see what is going on clearly. You are not taking care of your dog by leaving it in this situation, and you are not taking care of yourself. Your dog is 100% reliant on you to take care of it. If you do not remove it from this situation - a situation where its life is LITERALLY IN DANGER - you are responsible! You have to get out NOW. Any moment you waste making excuses for your partner is a moment you are endangering your dog.

I'm sorry if I'm being blunt, I feel it's a bit important to make it clear how dangerous this is. It's good you're going to counseling but if this dog loses its life, will you be able to forgive yourself??

Making excuses for his behavior (due to PTSD or any other reason) does not actually excuse it! It may be an explanation but it is NEVER an excuse. He can have whatever freudian excuse in the world - he is still choosing to be violent and abusive and you do not have to tolerate it. You do not have to cure him of his PTSD, or his violence. You do not deserve to be treated like you caused his trauma.

 

[BloomInWinter]

That man is an abuser and dangerous. Healthy people would never even think of threatening someone they love. Any relationship where threats happen is not safe nor healthy.

Safety first. It doesn't matter why he did that. The behavior was abusive, completely abnormal, and needs to NEVER happen again. You would be fully justifed in calling the police and reporting it.

He will likely not change. A person who can do that has a deformed world view and even with treatment, would rarely become an empathetic person once they are not.

You deserve much better. You deserve a person who is loving, supportive, and makes you feel safe and happy.

Don't settle for less. Get to a women's domestic abuse agency and learn all your options. Your mental health, and perhaps your life may be at stake.

 

[Abstract]

I agree with so much that others have said.

The behavior was abusive, completely abnormal, and needs to NEVER happen again.

Yes.

I also agree with others that if you choose to stay in this environment that you have an obligation to remove your dog and not expose him.

 

[LizardViolet]

I'm very glad to hear that your husband is going for counseling.

The military trauma is not the only thing he needs to address. His abusive childhood is also a significant issue for him, and is probably shaping what he perceives as appropriate behavior in a relationship. It may also contribute to his PTSD. (My boyfriend has the same combination: abusive childhood and combat experiences.)

I agree that you and your dog (and your computer) are not safe until he has some coping techniques to deal with his anger and until he has recognized that his behavior was completely out of bounds. His VA counseling may make that happen, or it may never happen.

I hope that you will be safe, whatever you decide to do.

 

[Jencordiner]

I am in the same situation. My partner was severely bullied at school for 12 years. He describes his head being used as a football and going temporarily blind often. He threatens the animals, myself and is very stuck in his abuse in complete denial of PTSD.

He is a big strong man but lives in fear and unfortunately the lessons he learned young were its best to be the bully. Trying to help him but no luck yet. He's at his lowest point again. Wish me luck as I send love and admiration to all of you. I understand where it comes from and it doesn't help matters at all. X