He Won't Commit To Me--triggers My Symptoms

[SunflowerHoney]

My husband and I are separated. Too many reasons to write about here.
Bottom line--I'm all in but he still has one foot out the door, so to speak.

One of the problems is that for all of our marriage I wasn't all in and because of this undiagnosed ptsd, I had no idea why but I treated him like crap. Like nothing he did was ever enough, because I really was wanting him to fill the abyss left in me by my neglect and abuse in infancy and childhood. Besides what I did to him, he has actually never been all in--he never said that though (until after I left him), I am very empathic. I often wonder if I subconsciously knew that and was constantly triggered by his lack of commitment. His default to tough situations is to withdraw--withdrawal from a loved one is the most triggering thing for me.

We're working our marriage. Living in different towns now but we see each other about once a week. We're about to start seeing another marriage counselor after trying six that didn't work. None of them understood our problems because I was undiagnosed and we left each session more confused and frustrated than before we went in.

By coming to see me every week and going to counseling and working on his communication and empathy skills he is demonstrating that he wants to work it out...but there are things that he does and doesn't do that make me feel really insecure. I can't tell if this is a case of me still wanting too much from him or if it's my self-respect railing against not getting what is normal and deserved in a loving, committed marriage. Bringing these things up can cause major fights--he gets discouraged and feels like what is doing isn't appreciated. But sometimes it feels like he's doing the bare minimum and that he's just gaslighting me. I can't tell the difference and I have major trust issues anyway.

I'm so confused!

Ok. I don't know if anyone can say anything helpful; I just needed to get this out. Thanks.

 

[Friday]

I have a tendency to want all or nothing. I can hang out indefinitely on the fence, but when I leap? Oh boy do I leap!

Most people don't work this way.

First they build a foundation. Then they build a house. Then they decorate it. Et cetera.

Myself? I want it all, I want it now, I want it done. And done right. Immediately. In my heart & mind, what doesn't come together all at once? Will never happen. It will always be this way. There is a huge immediacy in tackling everything all at once. When really? All that's doing is putting impossible pressure on a structure that doesn't have the proper support.

Baby steps. Patience. Doing things in their proper order. ... Are all things I have to work on.

***
None of this may be helpful or resonate. Just what my natural tendencies are and lessons I've learned. I push people, grown up people, in ways I would never push a child, or horse, or machine. Instead of taking them where they're at, and working from there? My tendency is to push others as hard as I push myself. I don't ask anything of anyone I don't ask of myself... But I ask the impossible of myself. And then I wonder what the problem is! :P

 

[SunflowerHoney]

Myself? I want it all, I want it now, I want it done. And done right. Immediately. In my heart & mind, what doesn't come together all at once? Will never happen. It will always be this way. There is a huge immediacy in tackling everything all at once. When really? All that's doing is putting impossible pressure on a structure that doesn't have the proper support.

Oh Man. *exhale* That is so me. Wow. I'm kind of blown away.

Thank you so much. I do realize I need to be more patient but the immediacy you mentioned is so urgent. It takes a lot of energy and willpower to fight against it. I think I'll make a screenshot of your reply and set as my desktop background to help remind me when I'm feeling weak.

 

[shimmerz]

I have a tendency to want all or nothing. I can hang out indefinitely on the fence, but when I leap? Oh boy do I leap!

Not sure if this helps at all, but when I do this, it seems to be because of my dysregulation. It is like a toggle switch. It is either on or off. I think I need to install a dimmer switch somehow and get used to gradual shifts.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

By the way, @FridayJones, I admire your self-awareness and ability to express yourself so well. Have you always had this ability or is it something you've learned? I hope a get better at both of those things soon.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

Not sure if this helps at all, but when I do this, it seems to be because of my dysregulation. It is like a toggle switch. It is either on or off. I think I need to install a dimmer switch somehow and get used to gradual shifts.

Yes! That's a really good way to explain and think about it. If I am understanding correctly anyway. Do you mind explaining what you mean by your dysregulation?

 

[shimmerz]

Dysregulation is defined as such:
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/dysregulation

For instance, I don't often feel hungry. I should. I am dysregulated in that way. When I do eventually eat, I rarely feel full. So I can eat a lot (unless I use my logic to say - hey - that is enough food). I don't rely on my physical cues to tell me I am full. Which is fine, as long as I am aware that this is happening and click in my logic.

Emotionally, I rarely feel the pain of a hanging out with emotionally distant people. Until I am crawling on my knees (if I am lucky) because my body is cracking under the pressure due to my continued attempts at attachment that is unhealthy. Most people have a form of regulation that allows them to feel 'the in between stuff' (light dimmer), which I actually don't seem to have unless I apply logic.

Not sure if that helps or not @SunflowerHoney.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

Emotionally, I rarely feel the pain of a hanging out with emotionally distant people. Until I am crawling on my knees (if I am lucky) because my body is cracking under the pressure due to my continued attempts at attachment that is unhealthy.

Ok, yes. That's kind of what I was thinking. Thank you. I've been working through reading The Body Keeps the Score. There's a section that talks about not being able to know what you feel or even know that you are feeling. I can't find it in my book at the moment, but when I do find it I will update this thread with the citation.

Thank you for clarifying--your dimmer switch is a very helpful analogy.

 

[Sighs]

I push people, grown up people, in ways I would never push a child, or horse, or machine. Instead of taking them where they're at, and working from there? My tendency is to push others as hard as I push myself. I don't ask anything of anyone I don't ask of myself... But I ask the impossible of myself. And then I wonder what the problem is! :p

Oh @FridayJones! Are you sure you are not my vet in female form halfway around the world???

 

[SunflowerHoney]

Thanks to whoever moved this to the proper forum. I'm still learning the ropes here. I didn't even think to put this in the relationship form. smh :)

 

[Friday]

Have you always had this ability or is it something you've learned?

Oh... That is a learned thing, for certain sure. I think better with my fingers, however. The talking thing? I tend to suck really badly at that one! Still trying to learn it, though. It's slow going. Sloooooow might actually be understating a bit. My jaw all but wires itself shut when I try and talk half the time.

@Sighs... LOL Brother by another mother ;) Which would make us sisters-in-sin? I kinda like that one! :D