Sufferer Hello And How To Survive My Birthday?

[Deleted member 27340]

I was diagnosed about a year ago, but just recently got a therapist I feel somehow comfortable with. I don't believe I'll ever get better and the thought of recovery frightens me as I can't remember what it's like to not suffer from PTSD, but my family put me in therapy so I don't have a choice.

My birthday is on Friday, and for some reason I simply HATE my birthday. I thought it'd do me well to spend some time with friends outside school, so I decided to pull of a small party anyway. On my list of people there were four boys and one girl. Turned out that the girl and two of the boys are away, and one of the boys has a summer party or something with his family. One of the two that's away might make it, but if he doesn't it'll be only me and my friend which for some reason makes me VERY anxious. I thought about that, and figured that it doesn't matter which of them I'd be alone with. It's the thought of being alone with another person that freaks me out, and that's really unfortunate, right? How can I calm myself?

I think it freaks me out because if there's not only me and another person, the conversation doesn't depend on me (which I also a reason I decided we'll just watch films). When it is I risk being the reason for long, awkward silences.

And another thing: Do any of you have difficulties keeping things clean and organised? I can clean and organise my room (it just takes hella lot time), but I simply can't keep it that way. And my locker at school? It got cleaned up about ten times the past school year by a girl in my class, and I still got 6 or 7 marks on messy locker and broken and totally destroyed notebooks.
Is this PTSD or is it me?

 

[silkleaves]

I don't much like celebrating my birthday, and usually get pretty difficult when it's coming up... mostly because it brings to the top of my mind my mortality, that I am here, that if it wasn't for me being born, everyone would have a much better life without me around. I try not to think of that, and I have a good friend who tries to make sure to take me out if I don't disappear completely and unreachable. But generally, I just want to be left alone because I feel bad for existing to begin with.

Clean and organized? What's that? Something you eat? lol yeah....I'm a mess. My life is a mess. I feel accomplished when I manage to wash the dishes instead of send kiddo out to buy paper plates and cups.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi @Trauma, welcome to the forum!

I recognize a lot of my own experiences in your story. I'm sorry so few of your friends could be at your birthday party and I can really empathise with the fear of being alone with someone. In fact, I think most people here can. I myself get it only with men, as I was only abused by males. I recently asked my dad to come over when someone from the housing company would come to meet me in my home. Really, you're not alone.

And I, too, have serious trouble keeping my home nice and tidy. I think the chaos in there reflects the chaos in my mind.

 

[SeanCharles]

@Trauma Welcome to the forum. A few things you mentioned above ring true for me as well. Keeping my house nice and tidy is not something I do well either. For me too, my loneliness is broken with the four legged friend. She's jokingly my 65 yo lady in a 10 yr old dog body, because she's 10 yrs in dog years and amazingly 65 in human years.

 

[Springer80]

Well if having ptsd means that just functioning is a masquerade then birthdays are some kind of endurance based torture. Your supposed to be happy about life on your birthdays. I can honestly say I find the whole thing stressful. My 16th, 18th, 21st were all somewhere between dismal and tragic.

Now at the age of 33 I may be beginning to turn a corner and realise that birthdays are supposed to be about my enjoyment.
Curious notion? :confused:

 

[KwanYingirl]

Many years ago I lived in an old farmhouse with six men. And me and one woman. I was calm when everyone was around and we had a lovely time there. At those times that there was only one guy home, I was crawling the curtains looking to hide somewhere. Could not handle it. It made me feel vulnerable.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@silkleaves I'm afraid that if I'm left alone I'll be drowning myself in my sadness, fears and memories. But I can relate to the thing with feeling bad for existing.

@Snowwhite Thanks.. I think I might get another guy to come, I just have to convince him that pizza's worth breaking away from his PC and that he'll be just fine and is wanted (he's got social anxiety). It's the most intense with men for me too, but because of all the things my mother did to me it counts for women too. The only times it's not that bad is if whoever I'm with is smaller than me, someone I met the last one and a half year or I KNOW I'm stronger than them. The last one does not occur too often, as most my friends are male and I'm pretty weak and fragile.

@SeanGeo Thank you :) Aww, that's great! We've got a dog too, and she's so cosy and fluffy and cute. Also it sort of boosts my confidence for a second that I am above her in the herd and that she both does and has to listen to me.

@Springer80 Yes, exactly. Sorry to hear that your big days were ruined. Thank you for that point of view! I struggle to think about it that way, it sometimes feel as if I'm expected to do something great or change or whatever during my birthday and other events centered on me. It's just stressful, all the things I find hard to handle already... no fun. But I'll try to think of it that way! The fact that we'll be watching films and eating pizza it's actually already quite directed at what I like doing Friday night...

@KwanYingirl Sounds terrifying..


Thank you all, I don't think I've ever felt so supported as I do now. And it's great to know that I'm not alone with the one-person-at-a-time-stress factor. Also it turns out I'm not the only one that make things messy just by lookng at it.

 

[intothelight]

@Trauma Welcome to the forum!

Sometimes with PTSD, we get into this mindset where we look at "what we do wrong" rather than "what we do right". Enjoy your birthday and the company of your friend(s). Keep in mind that PTSD is something you have and not who you are, and putting stress on ourselves tends to just increase symptoms.

PTSD does affect a persons ability to concentrate and that can be reflected in difficulty in organizing thoughts, let alone tackling a project. Sometimes just breaking things down into little tasks or putting the pieces in a routine can be helpful in keeping things organized.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@intothelight Thank you!

I've noticed... I'm extremely good at seeing all the things I fail at and let that one point I missed on a test ruin it all, even if I had 56 out of 57 points right. Do you know how to avoid unnecessary stressful things or cope with them better? I tend to avoid everything I know stress me out, but it leaves me getting in trouble because of not showing up for PE, not doing presentations at school, avoid family gatherings etc etc.

Thanks c: I know my head turns slightly more understandable when things are clean and organized around me, it gives me more control and a better overview.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Avoidance is a common coping mechanism for PTSDers. It's automatic for me I've been doing it for so long. I make notes and reminders. It may seem like an annoying habit, but if you avoid the dentist or having a physical, for instance, it could end up being a bigger problem.

It also robs you of the joy you could feel from accomplishments. You deserve to be happy and secure. Those qualities were stolen from you, but don't worry, you can reclaim your destiny. It will require you to learn relaxation and mindfulness and self love. You'll have to consciously practice, some days it'll all seem to go out the window. PTSD is insidious that way.

I am meditating and doing energy work to recover my mind/body connection. I am sleeping through the night on a regular basis now and feeling more energetic throughout the day. I still have irritable waves come over me, then I have to be calm and quiet for awhile. And still a ton of work to do.

Have some fun and reward those good grades!!!