Sufferer Hello Friends

[TheGreaterPurpose]

Dear Friends,

How are you all? I am doing the best I can. Thank you for being a part of this website. I don't know where else to turn at the moment. I don't know where to start either.

I was involved in a drinking and driving accident when I was 19. I was in college on break and was at a party. We left to get food in the night and I drove drunk. I flipped my car and my friend in the passenger seat died. I went to prison for 5 years. I was 25 when I came home and now I'm almost 28. I finished my bachelor's degree and now I'm in medical school. I am so blessed...I know it. I have family and friends who support me. I have a (possible) great future ahead of me. My friend's family has forgiven me and understands my remorse. There are so many people who have done nothing wrong and have worse lives than me. I am fully aware of my blessings.

But after all this, why do I feel so sad? I feel such hopelessness. Some of the happiest moments of my life were in prison. I had nothing...not even my freedom but I was happy. Now I have freedom, education, and a world of possibilities. Why do I still feel so empty?

I've gone to therapy but it doesn't seem to help. I think My therapists believe that my feelings will pass in time; it's a grieving process. I think they look at me and see nothing wrong with the external circumstance of my life and so they feel it will pass in time. But the sadness lingers. I know there is nothing wrong with my life. I'm soooo blessed. But it is this fact that I am so blessed that increases my sadness. With all the blessing I have...how can I still feel sad?

Last week I started a great routine of going to class, coming home, studying, and exercising. I felt good. And out of no where this debilitating depression hit me. I've been cooped up in my room for the past 4 days now. Watching movies and not eating. I watch movies so I can escape my reality; I know. I can't fall asleep because I don't want to tomorrow to start and when I do fall asleep I don't want to wake up for the same reason. Why did this sadness just hit me out of no where? It just doesn't make sense to me because my days are full of potential. I didn't know what to do so I started surfing the internet and ran across this site.

I know my questions aren't really questions anyone can answer. Nonetheless, Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I feel better just having written it. If anyone knows what I am going thru it would be great if I could hear from you. And If I can be a helping hand to someone I would love to be of support.

Thank you and bless you

 

[oneandonlyMOM]

I watch movies so i can escape my reality; i know. I can't fall asleep because i don't want to tomorrow to start and when i do fall asleep I don't want to wake up for the same reason. Why did this sadness just hit me out of no where?

I suffer with this same issue. My mornings are rough, never knowing how sad I will be, or what trigger will upset me. So, by the end of the day, I have made it through a lot and I don't want to start all over.

Do you think that while in prison, people looked up to you? I sense that you were able to support others and it allowed you to focus less on your saddness. Here on this site, I think you can do the same. People want to be there for you, and encourage you. And you can do the same for strangers.

What you have done with your life is awesome! Not only are you blessed, you are the one prevailing. These things weren't handed to you, you are working hard to achieve your dreams. Don't let depression keep you locked up. It will always win if you allow it.

 

[rightkindofme]

Sometimes I feel like I am in a weird position because I have a lot of privilege at this point in my life. Now I have access to money, safety, and lots of good therapy. Compared to lots of other people who have similar problems to me... I'm lucky.

It kind of sounds to me like you need to find a way to spread good in the world. Medical school is all well and good for doing future good... but it sounds like you need to go find a way to feel like you are making the world a better place *today*. Not tomorrow. Not some day.

When you have done something you feel terrible remorse for, the best way to grieve is to feel like you are building something.

Can you go volunteer somewhere? If you are in medical school you can learn more about the effects of alcohol and speak in schools about how drunk driving effected your life?

It sounds like you have a lot to give and you don't know what to do now. When I don't know how to give what I have inside of me I shut down and feel sad and useless and worthless. Once I notice again how very much the world needs what *I* have to offer... I feel a lot better.

Good luck.

 

[TheGreaterPurpose]

oneandonlyMom,

Thank you for your reply. You are right. I'm the only one who can let depression win. The fight is just so hard.

You are also very perceptive. I was looked up to in prison. Most of the prisoners felt I didn't belong there. They showed me kindness. And in turn, I was able to show them support and kindness. But in society I feel I'm looked down upon as just another drunk driver. I've always been one to support others and never ask for help. But now I think I need to start asking for help.

If you don't mind me asking, what is it in your life that makes it hard for you to wake up? If you need to talk I am here to listen.

Your kindness means a lot to me. Bless you.

 

[TheGreaterPurpose]

rightkindofme,

Thank you for your advice. You are absolutely right. I do feel a need to spread good in the world. Sometimes, I feel like with balancing school and my uncontrolled emotions that I have no space for anything else. But I am going to take your advice and try to volunteer. It will be an investment not only in helping others but in healing myself as well.

 

[DMerish]

There isn't much I can add to Rightkindofe's message.

What happened was an accident, but you have a great opportunity to go on with life, to have a rich full life, giving to others far more than the life you took. Start now. I know that may be hard for you with keeping up with studies, but finding one small thing you can do to help others less fortunate than yourself now, if only for an hour will help.

Peace.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I have a lot of guilt for where my actions lead me that is tied with my PTSD. Is it possible you feel guilt as well? You are able to move forward with your live and your friend can't? Maybe you felt fine in prison because you felt like you were paying your dues and honoring the loss others felt. Perhaps the good thing you do is in the name of your friend. That might help you move forward and find some healing.

 

[franciemarnie]

I wonder if you could do some research and find a therapist who specializes in treating people who had the same thing happen as happened to you with the accident. I can imagine the grieving process might be different than if the death of your friend wasn't tied to your drinking because of possibly unconscious guilt and the terrifying idea of what can happen in the world just by deciding to drink one night - something millions of people do, but in your case, the million to one result was devastating.

When I drank in high school, I would black out, and waking up not being able to remember and having to get a phone call or two to hear what happened is to this day a feeling of terror I still feel branded in my memory bank. I can imagine the unconscious repercussions might be extensive.

Even though we know it was an accident and could have happened to anyone and you paid the price on paper and should be free now, doesn't mean your mind, heart and soul has healed. It takes as long as it takes to recover.

I think it's a great idea to do something now - if you can - to help others - not because you're in any way needing to do "penance", but because this might answer to something unconscious.

If all those who are privileged were happy whether rich or good looking or what have you, then everyone would know that is the only road to happiness but I'm sure a lot of us on here do have a great life on paper, but when it's an inside job so to speak - externals don't matter.

I only sort of knew one person this happened to. She was in her 20's and severely depressed. I don't know what became of her.

I am sorry for what you went thru and are going thru. The fact that you were happy in prison tells me you felt that being punished was the right thing. Maybe inside you feel you should still be even though intellectually you know - in reality you know - It was an accident. I know it could have happened to me too. Or maybe people that get out of prison feel down afterwards. I don't know, but a specialized therapist would know if it fits your circumstances.

I hope you feel better soon. It was an accident. But what we know intellectually often has absolutely no effect on what we are feeling.

 

[oneandonlyMOM]

Well, you inspire me since I am looking at returning to school.

I know society can be brutal. I think you have been punished enough and I wish more people were empathetic. They really have no idea what you have gone through, or what kind of person you are.

I don't think you should feel bad about asking for help. You deserve to have attention and support. I have a T, a family, a husband - that all listen, but it's hard to even admit I need help.

I think you read my thread, but I lost half of my time with my daughter, I worry constantly, and I haven't worked or done anything social, which killed my self esteem. (My problems seem small compared to others, but they are real.) I guess I was naive and I had no idea that anxiety/PTSD would become a part of my life. Basically, I just kept alot inside, until I broke.

I guess I question why this happened to me. What did I do wrong? Will it ever get better? And when I have a good day, I never want it to end. Because, in the morning my mood can falter. At times, I just have to cry and let it out. And still I have to remind myself of all the wonderful things I DO have.

 

[TheGreaterPurpose]

Thank you all for your compassion and understanding. I am already starting to feel better. I am going to take all your advice and start volunteering somewhere.

I never realized that maybe, in a way, I "enjoyed" the punishment of prison. Now that it is not there anymore i am subconsciously punishing myself. I think I'm sabotaging my education because of guilt. I am going to try and work on these emotions because punishing myself in this way is in no way paying tribute to my friend.

I couldn't have come to these insights without your help. I tend to keep things bottled up but i'm going to start talking now. Your help means a lot to me

 

[TheGreaterPurpose]

I'm glad you are looking to go back to school! That is a great way to rebuild some the dreams and plans you and your family have.

You and I have a commonality of keeping things inside. Its definitely not healthy as we are both learning. But look at that the kindness humanity has to offer. You and I are complete strangers but in a few instances we've made a connection and helped each other.

You and our family didn't deserve what happened. You didn't do anything wrong. In fact your new husband did quite and admirable thing by wanting to adopt your daughter. But don't let the past hold back what could be a wonderful future with you and your family you are absolutely right...Keep remembering the wonderful things you do have: a wonderful daughter and new husband. If nothing else work for them.

I'll continue to be here if you need to talk

 

[Kiril]

Oh man, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Just a stupid mistake when you weren't in your right mind could have such an effect on your life.

I can't really imagine how you feel but you got my ear.