Starting at the beginning.... I was sexually assaulted twice when I was about 13 and raped at 17. The rape caused me to contract a nasty case of toxic shock syndrome. I did not report any of these incidents to anyone because I was scared and ashamed. My mother know about the toxic shock after the rape, but assumed it was caused by carelessness on my part rather than what really happened. I was so ashamed I did nothing to disavow her of that notion.
My home life was chaotic during that time and after. My mother was caught up with dealing with my father and his issues. I spent a lot of time taking care of my younger sister. My father had what my family refers to as a "nervous breakdown" when I was about 13. In my adult hindsight, I think what likely happened was my father had a psychotic episode brought on by stress and not coping with his own traumas adequately. To this day, my father remembers little of what happened in life at that time until I was about 20 or so. My mother was the emotionally available parent, but had little reserves to give me and my sister at that time because of her involvement with my dad's healing. Eventually the chaos subsided at home and life resumed with some semblance of normalcy. What was not normal was that we didn't talk about it - it being my dad's breakdown.
So life went on. In my twenties and thirties I used to think that I had my traumas under control or at least had dealt with them to the point that I could function adequately. I got married, had two sons, then divorced. My husband was emotionally abusive and had substance abuse issues. I feel lucky that I did recognize how toxic that relationship was (eventually) and was able to get my sons out of it before they were old enough to understand.
I am in my mid forties now and my sons are nearly grown. It's a fairly recent revelation for me that I realized that I'm still not ok with sex or with my relationships with men. So that's what brought me here.
My home life was chaotic during that time and after. My mother was caught up with dealing with my father and his issues. I spent a lot of time taking care of my younger sister. My father had what my family refers to as a "nervous breakdown" when I was about 13. In my adult hindsight, I think what likely happened was my father had a psychotic episode brought on by stress and not coping with his own traumas adequately. To this day, my father remembers little of what happened in life at that time until I was about 20 or so. My mother was the emotionally available parent, but had little reserves to give me and my sister at that time because of her involvement with my dad's healing. Eventually the chaos subsided at home and life resumed with some semblance of normalcy. What was not normal was that we didn't talk about it - it being my dad's breakdown.
So life went on. In my twenties and thirties I used to think that I had my traumas under control or at least had dealt with them to the point that I could function adequately. I got married, had two sons, then divorced. My husband was emotionally abusive and had substance abuse issues. I feel lucky that I did recognize how toxic that relationship was (eventually) and was able to get my sons out of it before they were old enough to understand.
I am in my mid forties now and my sons are nearly grown. It's a fairly recent revelation for me that I realized that I'm still not ok with sex or with my relationships with men. So that's what brought me here.
