Help, about to blow up my marriage

[Freida]

this this this !!!^^^

You have time. Go sort yourself out. Then sort your marriage out. Trying to do both at the same time usually goes badly. From experience.

and this^^^^
You said yourself it's not about the physical release- it's about the connection. So perhaps you need to learn alternatives to finding that connection. Then sex can be just sex.

 

[EveHarrington]

What the hell, I have no shame, I'm here on a PTSD message board. The answer is yes, pretty much constantly. But I crave sexual connection with the person I'm married to, and I'm just not getting much.

There’s no shame in masturbation or talking about masturbation.

I say this as someone recently shamed me for it and I ended up flipping the fck out, left home with what I could throw in a bag in 3 minutes, and drove for 6 hours until I felt safe(r). (This says a lot given that I have never run like this before.)

I just don’t want others to think these kinds of discussions are shameful because they aren’t.

I’m going to go now as I’m feeling the urge to run again. Ugh.

 

[shimmerz]

Personally, in between your freaking out, I think you are managing this really well. You are being open and honest (as much as one can be when triggered up), and your wife seems like she is so on board with you! That is amazing. Not sure whose plan it was to go to see T together, but I think it is absolutely brilliant.

So can you put this to one side then until you get to T? I know I used to spin out a ton about this type of stuff, which of course, just added to the freak out exponentially. I wonder if you could ask T to 'hold space' for you (meaning you leave the problem with T when you leave from your appointment). That way you can walk out and not be triggered with feeling so out of control.

 

[somerandomguy]

Sorry, @EveHarrington. Please don't go anywhere, especially on account of me. I'm just some random guy on the internet.

Thanks @shimmerz. I'll try to remember to ask her to hold space for me.

My wife and I have pushed back the meeting with T for a week, but I think that's actually a good thing. This way T and I can discuss my continuing dysregulation together before we all meet to have the "how can we talk without the triggering" conversation.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sorry I didn't mean to imply that you are making me run. It's the dealing with my own shaming that makes me want to run again. I'm cat sitting but half way tempted to put the cat in the kennel and take off again. Running makes me feel clean(er).

 

[ms spock]

Can you write out a series of cards expressing appreciation to your partner, telling her how good she is, how much she means to you, and put them around the house for her? Can you get her a few little presents to thank her for all the things that she does to support you, to thank her, and to put some positive stuff out there for her? I don't know what she likes or needs or wants, but gratitude and appreciate can rejuvenate a situation, and nurture your relationship.

@Friday is right going away and dealing with your stuff is the way to go. Just seconding that comment.

Keep reaching out and talking to people, you are doing great. You are noticing your issues and you are working on them. That is great!

 

[jaay]

I'd suggest getting some physical distance away from your wife just for a couple days, so you know for SURE you can't/ won't do anything that you'll regret. Call a therapist in that time, if you have one, definitely. When you feel ready to go back, the best thing to do would be to sit down with your wife and have a proper talk with her about how you're feeling right now, why you're feeling that way- make sure to remind her she's under no obligation to do something to cure the dry spell, though.

 

[Abstract]

Well done for all the realisations and the hard work. It really sounds like this trigger may be something to tackle directly and desensitive with rather than skirt around as painful as that may be. You work so hard on your relationship and wanting to make things better and this in the background is going to sabotage it for both of you all the time as it does turn it into something neither of you want it to be. Just my thoughts.

 

[Hooper]

Here I am again coming late to the discussion. Yet again we are in a similar situation with similar issues. I wouldn't handle 3 weeks worth a damn. We worked out a compromise years ago to deal with our differing drives. My wife is not malicious but she says some things that sting even though unintentional. The other night it was "oh I have compromised". A year or so ago it was sex was "a chore at the bottom of her to do list". We've done marriage counseling and the point driven home is everyone is different and to accept those differences. With our situations it's complicated by your prior abuse and my wife's rape at 13. Sex for me is also a connection with my wife. It wouldn't work with someone else nor do I want someone else. When she says I have compromised I hear having sex with you is the sacrifice I am making. My end of the compromise is not having sex with her is the sacrifice I am making. Sex with my wife is at the top of my list of things to do. Sex with me is somewhere at the bottom hopefully above changing the cat litter.

I'm not supposed take it personally but how do I not when sex is so personal. She pleases me to no end. For me to please her would be to not have sex. That is a tough pill to swallow. I know her history and honestly I think it bothers me more than it does her. I have said it before but I do loathe my sex drive. I wish I could shut it off. Part of the problem with so many couples is as different as the dynamics are in any relationship some are somewhat universally similar. The beginning of a relationship is full of frequent sex and mutual desire until both parties revert to their norm. I remember those days vividly and miss them greatly. I do not want to hurt my wife but I do feel like asking sometimes what it feels like to be desired. I simply don't know anymore. I do know that I am loved and from what you write you are in the same boat. I do try to think about it from other perspectives. Sex out of love is great but not when you know it is seen as a chore. At the moment I am somewhat resigned to accepting things the way they are. I simply do not know how to change them. Our sex life is scheduled. We may spontaneously have sex 2 times a year but only when I initiate. We spontaneously don't have sex on days we are scheduled to all the time.
I can and do stew on these issues when they come up. The subject is fertile ground for resentment on both sides. There is a point I am trying make to your situation vs venting about my own. I listen to the issues friends have with their spouses or lives in general and there is a common theme. If their sex life is not an issue something else is that will get them in a funk equal to mine and yours whether it is money, health or problems with kids. You sound like you have a great partner. I know I do. I know I am told to communicate but sometimes I think it is best to just shut up. Once something is said you can't put the genie back into the bottle. Good luck to you.

 

[talon]

Someone please help me. I'm afraid I'm about to blow up my ten-year marriage over a three-week long dry spell that is my fault anyway because of the mean things I've said to my wife while triggered.

I've pretty much just realized that feeling sexually deprived is a huge trigger due to my abusive ex using sexual denial to control me. I'm so angry and resentful towards my wife because of this dry spell that I'm really afraid I'm going to say or do something I can't take back. Yet I know it's not her fault and I can't make anyone want to have sex with me. Please help. I don't know what to do.

If you truly love someone it is said we always hurt the one's we love this is part of the relationship . Whatever these hurtful things you said where true or not they can't be unsaid. Sometimes we say things we do not mean or believe just to get a reaction and we tend to do this with someone we have become comfortable with . Ask yourself the question would you have said those things 10 yrs ago before your marriage i would say not . Buy her some flowers and spoil her in some other way if that will help but most importantly tell her that you truly regret that you compared your wife to past relationship. When i did something similar causing distress i wrote a poem . Stating " You are my reason for living my icing on the cake, You are each day's beginning and every breath i take , you are my ray of sunshine my brightest shining star i love dear i love for just being who you are

 

[grit]

@somerandomguy

I really admire your condar and your ability to regulate or be very aware when you are dsyregulating. I am so impressed that I am curious if you could even do a men group therapy/support to teach them how to.

I was reading this thread and I was truly touched how you describe the situation and how you avoided the blow up at the end.

What is your communication with your wife like when you are not in crisis? Do you actually talk about what happens when you are in crisis? or does the real talk only happens during crisis or right after but there is not calm moments and just reconnecting and sharing maybe what you shared here with her?

I am in honeymoon phase still (only married for 5yrs) but I feel I do also get some dry spells and my husband is younger and way more virile but we talk about it even when we are in a romantic dinner or mood - we try at least to remove all shame and surprises from the fact that sometimes I am not in the mood and sometimes he is not in the mood. I am just wondering.

10 days of dry spell in a long marriage is not that much in the scheme of things (considering all other things that brings us here) but the fact you were in such a dysregulation says to me does your wife know what that looks like?

Are you feeling dsyregulation not only because of the ptsd but also because you are not being witnessed or heard or supported when you feel this way? I know it is such a personal thing but this cannot be considered personal if it involves others that mean a lot to you.

I would rather know if my husband was being dysregulated this much when we are not intimate so we can connect some other way that may not be sexual acts.

Anyhow, too much intellectualizing but unfortunately this is one way I survived was using my mouth to express my states to my husband so at least one person in the universe knows me and eventually these became natural connection for me.

 

[hithere]

I'm just now seeing this post and the issue is probably resolved by now. I can't help but think three weeks is a long time. Is your wife sick? Did she have surgery? What is up that she can't do that for you? I understand your snapping and being angry doesn't make her feel safe and loved, it makes her feel like sex is just about porn and sex, and not about the relationship. But that's not what you are saying. I have masochistic tendancies so please ignore me if I'm not helpful, as I'm not the most healthy sexual/relationship person in the world. But, still three weeks is a long time (I'm female with a ton of sexual trauma) Still-I wonder what is up with that? If she can't make a commitment to a date and time even if she isn't interested there is something in my book that isn't right about that.