Help, about to blow up my marriage

[somerandomguy]

Someone please help me. I'm afraid I'm about to blow up my ten-year marriage over a three-week long dry spell that is my fault anyway because of the mean things I've said to my wife while triggered.

I've pretty much just realized that feeling sexually deprived is a huge trigger due to my abusive ex using sexual denial to control me. I'm so angry and resentful towards my wife because of this dry spell that I'm really afraid I'm going to say or do something I can't take back. Yet I know it's not her fault and I can't make anyone want to have sex with me. Please help. I don't know what to do.

 

[Freida]

can you leave? No - not for good. Maybe just for a couple days so you can get some physical distance between you and her? That's what I have to do when I get to this point. And yep -- I have been here multiple times and I've found it's hard to get into a fight and say something stupid when I'm are in a hotel. I tell hubby -- I need to go for a couple days because we are going to end up divorced if I don't. I'll talk to you in 3 days.

Usually by the time the 3rd day rolls around I've calmed down enough to be rational or have talked to my T or bestie. I prefer T because bestie always yells at me. :)

You are processing some HUGE stuff right now - it makes sense that you want to destroy something.
Don't let it be your marriage

 

[gealach]

I'm afraid I'm about to blow up my ten-year marriage over a three-week long dry spell that is my fault anyway because of the mean things I've said to my wife while triggered.

feeling sexually deprived is a huge trigger due to my abusive ex using sexual denial to control me.

I'm really afraid I'm going to say or do something I can't take back. Yet I know it's not her fault

can you tell her this? and when you're both ready, sit down & talk?

 

[littleoc]

Maybe calling one of your therapists is a good idea? Since you won’t be seeing them until Tuesday, right?

I wish I could help more. Never been married. But if you feel yourself getting that upset, at least excuse yourself for a walk for bike ride. Even in the rain that can be nice. In fact, cold rain is suggested in research to “reset” some emotions and get you into the present. Same with cold showers.

 

[Friday]

Go blow off some steam. Pronto.

If you’ve been using sex as a stress management too? In addition to all the tangled badness that is sexual coercion & sexual abuse, you’ve dropped a coping mechanism like a hot rock, right when stressors have piled up.

It doesn’t matter how absolutely reasonable it is to not want to have sex with someone who has been mean to you // natural consequences; I’ve been an asshole, therefore I’m not sexilicious right at the moment... first fix the dysregulation... then fix friendship, & the tangled badness that is overreacting to triggers & treating people in the present like they’re people in the past.

You have time. Go sort yourself out. Then sort your marriage out. Trying to do both at the same time usually goes badly. From experience.

 

[Hopeforlife]

@somerandomguy you need some physical space to reset! As previous poster suggested a few days away can really help. Maybe speak to your wife or write her a letter with what you have said in this post. Please speak also to your T and let them know what’s going on too. You are strong you can get through this!

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you masturbating as well? Just thinking this could help lower the sexual frustration, even if only slightly.

 

[somerandomguy]

Thanks all. I got pretty symptomatic ... Eventually I was able to let my wife know what was going on.

She is a very sensitive and reasonable person, so we were able to talk about it sensitively and reasonably. I don't know if we can really fix it, but at least we are both aware of the problem and hopefully that will prevent me from getting this messed up in the future.

 

[Hopeforlife]

Glad you were both able to talk about it. Can you maybe come up with a plan of how you both go forward from here? Maybe your T can help with some ideas?

 

[somerandomguy]

Yes, we're actually planning to both go see my T on Tuesday.

 

[somerandomguy]

Are you masturbating as well?

What the hell, I have no shame, I'm here on a PTSD message board. The answer is yes, pretty much constantly. But I crave sexual connection with the person I'm married to, and I'm just not getting much.

 

[ILoveLife]

One thing at a time.

I really, really urge you to talk to your T about your constant dysregulation lately, how triggered you're getting, and how to solve it.
No use in using sex as a mask to cover that, it's not the lack of sex that's causing this - it's the whole other array of issues you're avoiding looking at, sex is a part of that but not the cause of the issue.

Sexual trauma is tricky, because it isn't about sex. It's about control and power, and right now I'm betting you're feeling powerless and out of control - like you're being abused by your own mind. Focus on that first.