Help - entering places/situations, and feeling like everyone there is dangerous

[Sweetleaf]

Last night I had a major "being around sketchy seeming people who probably are totally benign but make me feel sketched out anyway because traumabrain" moment - it was all men, except for one woman, who also was very sketchy. I'll get into that in a bit. (men dont take that the wrong way - I think it's bullshit the stereotypes that get applied to men, but PTSD doesn't give a f*ck about my opinions and says "haha f*ck you bitch, you're gonna be afraid of them anyway")

I think this is sorta maybe rooted in my liquor store trauma. I don't really want to get into explaining it but, I'm in the middle of working on it in EMDR sessions - because it's the only trauma I have that doesn't directly have anything to do with my abuser, the f*ckin' psycho.

It's the actions of one man who made it traumaitc, but it also involved multiple men (and two women, it was a big group of f*cking shitstains that need to f*ckin drink bleach, sorry if I'm bein' a little dark), who were with that guy and harassing me with him, he was just the one who got aggressive. Uuuugh I have to stop there my heart is beating too f*ckign fast.

Okay so anyway - last night I was in the gas station, and I looked around, and it was all men. Men in their mid 20's to early 30's if I had to guess. All of them set off my "danger" alarm, like individually - all of them looked like late night crowd people (it was 1:30 AM) - same general look as the people in the liquor store trauma.

Then one came in after me and stood behind me (in line). Then two more came in with a woman, who definitely looked like she f*cking -loves- meth, and trust me I have dealt with a f*cking massive number of meth heads, seeing as I worked at a smoke shop and sold them their pipes. I can clock them from a mile away. The guy behind me was creeping me out, the guy in front of me was creeping me out, every single person in that entire f*cking store including the f*cking cashier, was creeping me the f*ck out.

I felt like I was gonna get attacked - even though I was f*cking fine, and there wasn't really any reason to be afraid, and I've been in so much sketchier situations in my life, before my trauma, and not even given a single f*ck. Like.... actually sketchy situations, not like, simple ordinary run of the mill late night folk buying shit at a convenience store scaring me because I'm a spaz sort of situations...

I was going in and out of depersonalization/derealization.

I was like, dammit, why do I leave the bear spray in the car? Why don't I take it with me and just deal with having this big fat can of F*CK OFF on my belt? Why did I stop bringing my knife with me everywhere? I used to carry a f*cking -gun- for f*cks sake.

I have this like fear with weapons now, too - that any that I have, will wind up in the hands of whoever is attacking me. So it almost feels less safe to have weapons on me now, sometimes. I think that's because of my experiences with my abuser.

It's like the whole store had a huge "danger" vibe - even had a big guy loitering outside acting really shifty. I powerwalked to my car after paying, jumped in, slammed the door, slammed the lock button, stuck the bear spray in the cup holder, and then kinda just sat there for a minute and tried to get my shit back together so I could drive home.

Anyway - this post is very rambley, but, does anyone relate? Do you ever just like, walk into a situation, or a store, or something, and everything about it just sends you into "this is super unsafe and I'm gonna be attacked or f*cked with at any moment" mode or anything like that?

What can I do in those situations to calm myself down? What can I do to make it through those better?

 

[Deleted member 47384]

Man, I'm so, so sorry you had a tough time! It's so scary and exhausting, being hyperaware of your surroundings like that.

For me, personally, the best thing that works is to be just as sketchy. I'm a lady of barely a hundred pounds and only 5' 3", so when I'm out alone at night, I weird out a little bit. I dance, I whistle, if a man makes eye contact with me and I get big Nope vibes, I'll give him a big, gawky, horrible smile.

I've thought about openly carrying weapons, but in all honesty, I know I wouldn't last too long in a fight. And I wouldn't wanna escalate a situation that could be avoided by just making myself an undesirable target.

Sometimes you gotta just. Out-freak the freaks.

 

[LilyRose]

Yeah i feel unsafe like that like all the time.
Just trying to tell myself over and over that it is not real. Nobody is going to hurt me.
Don't know how to calm down yet too.

 

[somerandomguy]

I relate ... in the opposite way. I get nervous when I'm the only man among women. (I'm not offended by your male-oriented hypervigilance, by the way - I hope people aren't offended by my female-oriented hypervigilance.) I found out I love doing yoga, but going to yoga class was really, really difficult, and it still is when I'm the only guy there. Sometimes I feel bad in crowded places where I'm not necessarily the only man, but there are a lot of women, like the grocery store or at a work conference.

The way I deal with it is to very purposely soothe my inner child. He's the one who's afraid. I tell him that it's OK to be scared, and it's understandable to be scared. But, I tell him, he's very safe right now. Nothing is going to happen. I imagine hugging him and comforting him. Sometimes I actually hug myself if I'm in a place where I can do that.

That's what works for me.

 

[LilyRose]

oh i forgot to add... I feel a little bit safer around men actually rather then women. And i am a woman.
It kind of depends the way they look and the energy they show. I guess that's related to the people that actually hurt me.

 

[Fancy Dancy]

Having been abused by a lot of different men, my first thought is "yeah, on some level there probably was a real danger", and from there the decision is what to do about it, if anything.

I do NOT trust a man I do not know well. I don't care how public the situation is, it doesn't stop predators from abusing their prey.

Last two times I had guys put their hands on my body in a store really f*cked me up. One I was with my SISTER AND HER 3 KIDS, and he was with his WIFE, he knew I wasn't going to do or say anything, that's why he did it. Luckily I wasn't alone so I was able to process it with my sister after the fact. The other time I was alone and the employee badgered me into telling him was I was looking for. My hackles were up, he was up in my business, wouldn't go away. He pressed his hand and body into my back as he passed me and held it there for a moment and breathed, feeling me. It was all I could do to pace the store for over an hour trying not to flip my sh*t. I couldn't go back to the register because I didn't want to have to see him. If I accuse him of anything I'm the crazy one, I'm the harpy, I'm the oversensitive ninny, I know how this goes down. There will never be accountability on the man's part. It's the toxic "suck it up buttercup" bullsh*t that everyone seems to be injected with. I also couldn't bear to act like nothing happened in front of him and give him that kind of power over me. Luckily he disappeared (lunch or something) and I booked it out of there. Probably went home and had a panic attack. I didn't go back into a hardware store for probably 6 months. I also started carrying a pistol on me after that. I would never use it even if I was threatened, but it sure made me feel safer. I had some sort of ace in my pocket that might be enough to bluff an attacker off., so to speak.

It sounds petty, but when your trauma is rooted in predators and abusers, any level of abuse and violation triggers the same "I'm going to die now" response in my brain. And I have very little reservations with allowing myself to assume that any man I meet is a potential predator, since the majority I've met are and I'm not about to drop my guard.

So I dunno. Your body could be onto something, the "vibe". Or it could be unfounded paranoia. But, in my opinion, probably not. That response is preparing you for danger, that response was developed to try and protect you from the same thing repeating itself. Like I said, maybe focus less on "should I be feeling this way" and more on "What am I going to do about how I feel / how am I going to choose to act on this"

Easier said than done. I could also be full of crap. Just my $.02.

 

[EveHarrington]

I just want to say that there’s no need to be overly PC and feel bad that you’re triggered by men....

I mean you wouldn’t have to apologize for being triggered by tall people, blondes, deep voices...you get my point.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Sometimes you gotta just. Out-freak the freaks.

@Dazey that's great - I should do that - my hair already kinda looks like crazy because it's not been cut in 5 years or something - not since before my adulthood trauma - not a trim, nothing, nada. It's damaged, I do take some care of it, I'm just too afraid to go get a hair cut, or try to do it myself and f*ck it up lol.

And I wouldn't wanna escalate a situation

This. I think deescalation is ideal. Another reason I'm kinda hesitant about weapons, but I'd like to have some way to protect myself. I think martial arts would probably be a good way for me to handle multiple issues, including feeling safer with nothing around but just myself. My pdoc has suggested it multiple times, I'm just not ready yet though.

What scares the f*cking shit out of me is when there is no deescalation - when nothing you personally can do will make them deescalate things - when there is no stopping or preventing the violence.

Just trying to tell myself over and over that it is not real. Nobody is going to hurt me.

That's definitely something I could try next time something like that happens.

It happens to me a lot too - but usually for me it isn't a "every single one of these people is dangerous" sort of thing, even if most of them make me feel afraid. I can't go into public without some people making me feel afraid. This gas station thing was just a bad one.

I relate ... in the opposite way. I get nervous when I'm the only man among women.

That's totally understandable. We don't get to choose our triggers, we don't get to choose what makes us nervous.

The way I deal with it is to very purposely soothe my inner child. He's the one who's afraid. I tell him that it's OK to be scared, and it's understandable to be scared. But, I tell him, he's very safe right now. Nothing is going to happen. I imagine hugging him and comforting him. Sometimes I actually hug myself if I'm in a place where I can do that.

I'm glad you found something that helps.
I do the whole hug myself thing too. Butterfly hugs as well. If I can remember to do them >.< lol

I also started carrying a pistol on me after that. I would never use it even if I was threatened, but it sure made me feel safer. I had some sort of ace in my pocket that might be enough to bluff an attacker off., so to speak.

Yeah - I felt the same way when I started carrying a pistol. I felt that way all the way up until I nearly had to use it. Wow I am having a hard time writing about/thinking about this. It was that liquor store incident mentioned in the original post - that was the first time someone had me feeling so imminently threatened, that I put my hand under my shirt, used the other hand to pull my shirt down over my waistband and hand that went under the shirt so it couldn't be seen exactly what I was doing with my other hand, and fully gripped my pistol, and I can't write any more about this because I'm starting to have a panic attack.

*takes a breather*

Also @Fancy Dancy - I sympathize with your hardware store story. I've been groped in public before, but it was before my trauma. It was still really hard to handle and deal with, and just like you I didn't say/do anything to the people who did it. I just got myself away from them.

I wish I had done more to stand up for myself in those times - but it's hard.

That response is preparing you for danger, that response was developed to try and protect you from the same thing repeating itself. Like I said, maybe focus less on "should I be feeling this way" and more on "What am I going to do about how I feel / how am I going to choose to act on this"

I suppose you are right. The response developed as a means of keeping me safe - and focusing on what I'm going to do about the situation instead of the feelings of unsafeness themselves is probably a productive thing to do to help me feel safer, even if I'm still paranoid that everyone around is dangerous.

I just want to say that there’s no need to be overly PC and feel bad that you’re triggered by men....

I know there is no real need to say it - I just don't want anyone to feel unwelcome in my thread, or make them think that I don't like them because they're male.

 

[Saile]

First time here.Diagnosis PTSD after an assault I am suffering same symptoms of fear getting out places. I feel like everybody wants to hurt me anytime. All the time hypervigilant. I can not stand the anxiety, náusea, cephalea, palpitations and tremor. So every time I feel like that I decide to run to my car, lock the door and go back to home. Any help please? Thanks for having me here.