Help Functioning After An Appointment

[WesternSky]

I finally went to see a psychiatrist to get my meds refilled and up the dosage. I saw him once three months ago. He would only give me a month's supply so I would be forced to come back. I couldn't stop crying. At least this time I could look at him. I tried to explain that I was terrified of him because of his profession. He reminded me that it wasn't rational. I know it's not rational. I just felt more ashamed. He asked what was so bad about my medical experiences that I was reacting like this. I couldn't tell him. I know they weren't bad enough. I'm seriously considering starting a trauma diary to try and figure out what upset me so much. Then everyone can see what a pathetic person I am to be so damaged by so little.

The worst part is I had to come straight to work. I cried the whole way over in the car. I knew it would be bad to schedule it right before but I had no choice. Now I just feel empty and cold and about to jump out of my skin.

As I type, I just saw a man in a labcoat walk into the breakroom and I can hardly breathe. I fee sick. I don't know how to get through the rest of the day. Help.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Dear WesternSky, I am sorry for this and for that I can proberly not help you. I can only say that your feelings are okay no matter how 'big' or 'small' you percieve your trauma. You seem quite shaken up in your post. If you in anyway can leave work, I would do that. I am sorry I can not be of more help. Please try to take care of yourself. :hug:

 

[Meadowsweet]

Westernsky, nobody here is pathetic.

But I have felt that way when I'm in denial. The denial can go from denying the trauma was really that bad, to denying the effect is has on me, to denying that I have symptoms of PTSD.

Mostly, my denial comes with beating myself up about feeling. To me, the word 'pathetic' is a term used to beat myself up, to belittle my feelings and not allow them to be heard. But I realise how harmful it is for me to do that to myself.

So I hope you will start your diary and allow yourself to feel upset.

 

[NarcSis]

I'm sorry you're having difficulty right now. I'm not sure what you do but if this happens again, self soothe. Close the office door if possible, rock back and forth, bring a warm blanket wrap up in it and just breathe deeply, go 'quiet' for a bit - sip warm tea or cocoa mindfully. If you can, put on some soothing jazz or classical music. Positive self talk, no negatives allowed.

Check out some tips for dealing with triggers, grounding techniques.

Your reactions are normal but to break through and move forward you have to acknowledge the denial - its perfectly normal, everyone goes through it. Don't judge the trauma by comparing it to anything, simply practice acknowledging it. Write it down, here, in your own private journal, where ever - that is in your control. It can be cathartic, don't be surprised if you cry or 'trigger', simply expect it, accept it and ride it out.

The first steps are tough but we're all here for you.

 

[WesternSky]

You're all kind to me, but I'm sure you've been through more than I can imagine and have the right to be here. When I started talking here, people were confused why I was having difficulty. I think I'm the only one who found anything traumatic about it. If it had been something bad enough maybe I wouldn't feel ashamed and people would take me seriously. Then I secondguess myself when I do feel better and wonder if these hard times really happened. I would love to close an office door - I would love to work in an office. I work a physical labor job with other people and often in front of a glass window to the public. I'm cleaning the back right now so I can be alone and away as far as I can get.

 

[safenow]

WesternSky, if you can, go to the bathroom. Lock the door. shake your arms out. shake your fingers, stretch and relax them. Breathe in through your nose, slow and deeply. Hold it a second or two, then slowly and deeply release it. Don't do it fast, but to do that several times.

Tell yourself, I am safe. I can do this. Think about something that gives you peace. Like the sky at night when there are no lights around. Picture yourself walking along a path with all those thousands of stars and planets shining down on you.

Now, just before you go back out, shake your arms again. Don't forget to keep breathing.

 

[WesternSky]

Thank you, safenow. I am trying your advice. Peaceful thoughts.

 

[saffy]

I tried to explain that I was terrified of him because of his profession.

what is it that terrifies you Westernsky?

Then everyone can see what a pathetic person I am to be so damaged by so little.

Don't ever say this hun. If it is causing you so much pain it is not just something little. Your anxiety seems to be about disclosing your problem properly, sorry if I am wrong. But until you talk about it with someone it will be hard to move on, you are stuck on the edge wanting to go but teetering.

This does not mean that your actual problem or you are not worth paying attention to.

At a guess I would think you were told that 'it is not that bad', or was laughed at, if you ever got upset or shown emotion. Am I right?

I feel the same way at times and have to tell myself, what have I got to loose by sharing, if they laugh or sneer or look distugusted at the problem then the problem is their attitude and lack of humanity, not my problem. Does that make sense?

Writing a diary can be very helpful in a lot of ways.

One it gets you to 'talk' about your problem and put it in perspective as you continue your story, you can go over things easier that it racing around your head confusing you.

And, it can help get the real talking starting because the reader can talk to you about things without you having to try to explain them first, until you are more confident too anyway. :)

I hope you find some respite from this worry. I know it is hard.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Hashi]

WesternSky, what grounding and coping methods do you have? Are you trying to use them? Do you think they're enough or do you think it would be good to learn and practise more?

It feels like you're getting stuck in alternating between feeling shaken/helpless and feeling you have no right to be. I think you need to step away from that and focus on things to reduce your anxiety. Like the others, I think comparing and judging your trauma is meaningless. But I think the most important thing for you to deal with first is your symptoms, otherwise you aren't going to feel strong enough to address anything safely.

It's actually risky to try to work on things, by keeping a diary for example, unless you have effective ways to take care of yourself and cope with your reactions.

You need the kind of things safenow suggested, and a whole lot more. Look up grounding and coping skills, and stress/anxiety management, on this site, on other websites and in books. Practise them when things are quieter for you, as well as when you're feeling upset. Write them down so you can look at the list when you need it. You might need to carry things with you. At one time, I always carried peppermint oil to smell, a small charm that was comforting to me, and a copy of a poem to learn by heart as a way to distract and calm my thoughts.

You need to build up a whole toolkit of these, find those that work best for you, and keep doing them.

 

[WesternSky]

Thank you all for your responses last week. I didn't feel so alone. As for coping and grounding skills, I've tried some things but have yet to find anything that actually works for me. Most breathing/visualization exercises are either ineffective or stress me out even more.

I was considering starting the diary because when I am asked about why I feel the way I do, I have no answer and I wanted to understand my reaction better. I worked past it as best I could by mostly avoiding it and keeping it out of my head whenever possible. Invalidating it is natural for me because of the responses I received afterwards and the most recent responses from people who don't seem to realize that it still affects me (having happened several years ago and I am mostly normal now except in certain situations and times of year.)

 

[Britt.f7]

Then everyone can see what a pathetic person I am to be so damaged by so little.

You are not a pathetic person. You are human, that's all. Even regular people, people without ptsd or trauma, can have issues with medical staff. I know plenty of people who have not experienced trauma that have issues. His saying it's not rational is not helpful. That's like people asking me what I have to be depressed about. Seriously.

I have a fear of dentists. I had an awesome dental team growing up. For whatever reasons my mom switched dentists when I was 16. It was a horrible experience for me. Maybe not for some people, but for me. Since then I've had a few dentists who were derogatory about my fears, which did not in any way help. I now have a great one whom I told if he leaves the practice I will follow him even if he is retired.

That doesn't help figure out what to do when you end a session and go on to do so called normal things, such as go to work. I really don't have an answer for that. Trying to think what I would do and I can't. At least not right now.

You just aren't pathetic.