Relationship Help! I'm Sinking.

[Sweetpea76]

You did nothing to make her go off work sick. You are not the reason why you guys had to move out of your old place.

You're allowed to set boundaries... like "I am not going to discuss this again. You can chose to believe me or not."

 

[jill smith]

You did nothing to make her go off work sick. You are not the reason why you guys had to move out of...

Thanks I get that you are mostly right but I do think I am.the reason she had to leave our home I wasn't able to deal with her reactions and responces as she needed and she felt I made her worse so thats how she felt. I could of been less emotional I could of took a step back but I didn't because I didn't know what to do and I felt robbed off my relationship and my partner so occasionally and ONLY occasionally I had selfish thoughts. Today I think is a defining day my parter let me know that her trust in me has been so shattered that she feels I could lie now that extends to cheating, she says I hide my phone. I dont hide it but once she saw page on my phone that debated the addiction of marijuana in mental health and she made a comment that was clear she felt that was my thought and she wasnt happy also once looking at the time on my phone she saw a snippet off a text from a friend saying I was being very tolerant and understanding..that obviously unsettled her so I may be guilty of having my phone a little gaurded I never though about it but I suppose I have just dont want her upset but I have nothing to hide.she has translated that as I have the potential to cheat...am I fighting a loosing battle? I responded to this to bare my soul and tell her ( in a text as she wont talk as she says we just argue) I told her how I really feel no holding back..how upset I have been how her accusing me of unfounded things is effecting me and similar really but I did keep reiterating how much I am.committed to her and us. She has responded by saying nothing she says will help she needs space and dont text. I am 50 yrs old she is 37. I know I am young for my year but this is making me old.

 

[Snowflakes]

Thanks I get that you are mostly right but I do think I am.the reason she had to leave our home I wasn't able to deal with her reactions and responces as she needed and she felt I made her worse so thats how she felt. ..........am I fighting a loosing battle? .

Please re-read everything @Sweetpea76 has written. She is absolutely, positively right. If I had her advice 10 years ago, I could have saved myself a lot of stress and heartache.

Contrary to what we think, we cannot change another person and love does not conquer all. I spent 10 years doing exactly what you are doing now. To quote you.....all it did was make me old.

It took me a while to believe this fact and, to be blunt, you really need to believe this too: None of us has the ability to make another person happy.

This is the last quote in my profile: Hope is dangerous when it compels you fight a battle you can’t win
I found that quote after realizing @Sweetpea76 was describing my life and was right.

 

[jill smith]

I know you are right. She has taken that decision for me and now wants a "break" with no contact. Everything I do is now according to her unhealthy behaviour and looks to trigger her symptoms. I am absolutely devastated I hope she gets the help she needs quickly. She is still waiting for one to one therapy after nearly 5,months while her life has unravvled and our relationship has crumbled under the pressure.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You aren't triggering her, she is being triggered. Everything that is happening is happening in her head. She isn't owning her issues. She's blaming and projecting. That is a like fighting an uphill battle on a greased slope. You can't do anything to make that better. You can't "act right" or apologize enough for that. Everything is "your fault" no matter what.

A break with no contact may be what YOU need. You need some time to stop beating yourself up. You need some time to live in reality land and not PTSD world. Heal, rest, self care... spend time with friends and family. Go out and do things she wouldn't do. Take some time to think about if this relationship is good for YOU. What is it doing to YOU. Relationships are two way streets. Besides saying "I love her", what benefit is in it for you?

 

[jill smith]

Your saying exactly the same words as my friends and my counsellor have this week. I really appreciate your input thank you.

 

[jill smith]

Hi sweetpea76
The inevitable happened she got in touch after only 2days and again started to draw me in. This time long E mail highlighting the many ways in which "my"behaviour and avtions have damaged her but we can discuss them as I continue to learn new behaviours and work through our issues to resolve things. She wanted to meet, I said no wait until I see my counsellor and my dr. Then last night during text chat she became upset when chating about a sensitive personal subject ( not the cause of her ptsd)
She asked to stop conversations so I closed it on a positive but because I said something today she e mailed me to end our relationship saying I again showed disrespect and this has been throughout and she cannot continue due to that. Yes my relationship was ended in an e mail...for me that was a line crossed so I responded by telling her some home truths about the distorted toxic version she has of me in.her head is not based in reality and is not me. I said other things but only truths not being unkind for the sake of it. Even though she is unwell she must know how low it is to end a relationship that way then offer to be friends so she can still"help me on my journey of self discovery to become a better version of myself!" I feel I have been manipulated so much, I hope now I have been direct with her for the first time she will actually leave me alone. I will always feel compelled to help her as I know she is unwell and I know why. So I really hope she doesn't get in touch again. I feel so sad I wasnt trusted by her to support her but became a focus of blame instead.

 

[Sweetpea76]

"help me on my journey of self discovery to become a better version of myself!"

Ain't that selfless of her? Holy cow!

 

[jill smith]

Doubting so much right now ptsd or not its no way to treat anyone aka..me