grimalkin
Gold Member
That also sounds familiar, @ManagerWife. My sufferer needs help with basic stuff that required any kind of concentration - filling out paperwork was the big one, since he insisted I take over the bill paying and finances when we got together (which was good - he just doesn't do well with bills). There have been mountains of paperwork related to his retirement...I did the majority of it.
I am dreading next tax year because part of it will still be with us married, and since he has...issues...with having to pay taxes, he thinks he doesn't even need to file. Never mind that his income is no longer taxed.
Mine is ok with grocery shopping, if he can get himself to go.
He will overspend money, definitely. I've had to remind him of our budget, and how the money we spend can't be more than the money we take in. It's like sometimes he doesn't realize how that works.
Clothes buying is always an adventure. He makes me come along because I think he gets overwhelmed. But, he's too particular to just let me get things for him. I have, in the past, just gotten things I know he's needed, and told him if he doesn't like them, I can return them. He inevitably keeps and wears them.
He's always been ok with HIS appointments and work schedule; he's retired now, so his time doesn't need to be managed as much. But if I have an appointment that I need him to assist with? I need to remind him about 15 times, and then again the day of, and then it's still iffy. I think he still doesn't know my work schedule.
However, actually following up and MAKING appointments? Yeah, that doesn't happen.
Basically, over the last year, I've found myself being less of a helper for him and taking on the roll of...well, manager and/or mother. And it sucked. And we resented each other for it. So, once he said he's done, I am done, too. He makes his own appointments. I don't nag, I don't remind. He wants something and can't handle ordering or buying it? He has to ASK me if I will. I finally told him to see a podiatrist for his feet - he no longer wants a wife, then he can have a professional deal with his feet (nerve damage in his feet from the injury in his back leads him to be nervous about ingrown toenails, and he has a hard time bending far enough to really take care of his feet, because of said injury).
The only thing I am insisting on is I still pay the bills while we live together. They're primarily in my name, and he opened a new account in which his income is going. I told him he will either set up his account info on the bills, or if he trusts me, have me do it, but the bills WILL be getting paid. If I didn't do that, I KNOW he wouldn't pay them on his own. He already resents that he can't just say "I divorce thee" three times and have everything magically be separate again.
I was going to say to maybe let disasters happen, but I know that doesn't work. If he loses his job, it affects you too. His health affects your family. So maybe it is time to adjust your own boundaries - you have kids to take care of. Maybe it's time for ultimatums. Of course, I know how well that goes, too. It's a sucky position you're in, @ManagerWife.
I guess my one piece of advice is have backup plans. If there are relatives or friends who would be willing to pick up or drop off your kids at school, or maybe help with some errands. Take the pressure off him, which (at least in my experience) takes the worrying off you, even if it means a bit more planning or work for you - at least you don't have to worry if it's going to get done or not. You don't have to go into details, but you can always tell them that your husband is ill, and you need assistance in picking up the slack. Look into options with his work for FMLA or disability - that way, if he misses work, it won't be a disaster. Ask if you can go to one of this therapy sessions and psychiatry sessions so the therapist has an idea of how it's affecting your husband, and your home.
*hugs if you want them* I wish you luck.
I am dreading next tax year because part of it will still be with us married, and since he has...issues...with having to pay taxes, he thinks he doesn't even need to file. Never mind that his income is no longer taxed.
Mine is ok with grocery shopping, if he can get himself to go.
He will overspend money, definitely. I've had to remind him of our budget, and how the money we spend can't be more than the money we take in. It's like sometimes he doesn't realize how that works.
Clothes buying is always an adventure. He makes me come along because I think he gets overwhelmed. But, he's too particular to just let me get things for him. I have, in the past, just gotten things I know he's needed, and told him if he doesn't like them, I can return them. He inevitably keeps and wears them.
He's always been ok with HIS appointments and work schedule; he's retired now, so his time doesn't need to be managed as much. But if I have an appointment that I need him to assist with? I need to remind him about 15 times, and then again the day of, and then it's still iffy. I think he still doesn't know my work schedule.
However, actually following up and MAKING appointments? Yeah, that doesn't happen.
Basically, over the last year, I've found myself being less of a helper for him and taking on the roll of...well, manager and/or mother. And it sucked. And we resented each other for it. So, once he said he's done, I am done, too. He makes his own appointments. I don't nag, I don't remind. He wants something and can't handle ordering or buying it? He has to ASK me if I will. I finally told him to see a podiatrist for his feet - he no longer wants a wife, then he can have a professional deal with his feet (nerve damage in his feet from the injury in his back leads him to be nervous about ingrown toenails, and he has a hard time bending far enough to really take care of his feet, because of said injury).
The only thing I am insisting on is I still pay the bills while we live together. They're primarily in my name, and he opened a new account in which his income is going. I told him he will either set up his account info on the bills, or if he trusts me, have me do it, but the bills WILL be getting paid. If I didn't do that, I KNOW he wouldn't pay them on his own. He already resents that he can't just say "I divorce thee" three times and have everything magically be separate again.
I was going to say to maybe let disasters happen, but I know that doesn't work. If he loses his job, it affects you too. His health affects your family. So maybe it is time to adjust your own boundaries - you have kids to take care of. Maybe it's time for ultimatums. Of course, I know how well that goes, too. It's a sucky position you're in, @ManagerWife.
I guess my one piece of advice is have backup plans. If there are relatives or friends who would be willing to pick up or drop off your kids at school, or maybe help with some errands. Take the pressure off him, which (at least in my experience) takes the worrying off you, even if it means a bit more planning or work for you - at least you don't have to worry if it's going to get done or not. You don't have to go into details, but you can always tell them that your husband is ill, and you need assistance in picking up the slack. Look into options with his work for FMLA or disability - that way, if he misses work, it won't be a disaster. Ask if you can go to one of this therapy sessions and psychiatry sessions so the therapist has an idea of how it's affecting your husband, and your home.
*hugs if you want them* I wish you luck.
