Relationship Help. It's So Sad To Love Someone So Much And Feel It's Not Enough

[Jane1234]

Hi. I've been lurking and gaining a lot from reading these posts because I'm suffering alongside my partn...

Hi,
When I read your post all I could think of was myself. It's so sad to love someone so much and feel it's not enough.

I have been married for only 2mos and feel as though it's falling apart. My wonderful caring husband has PTSD and he says the same as your partner...
I hope you don't mind me saying but your post made me feel as though I'm not crazy or alone. PTSD is something I am trying to understand but it's hard and I don't want it to be.

I never yell but he tells me I do? I find this very confusing and feel it's just how they feel, they see it as yelling?

The night before I got married I was at the front desk of the hotel with my adult son straightening out some very confusing finances. When my phone rang it was my fiancé I asked my son to answer it and explain I would call him back in a minute I couldn't talk.

He saw that as disrespectful and couldn't believe I would do that to him.
He felt I didn't care about him and that
he would never do that to me and doesn't know anyone that would do that to someone they say they love. For me it was nothing to him it was a lot?

My husband has moved his stuff out for a few days which is heart breaking. I hope you can work things out. It's very hard but hopefully our understanding and continuation on knowledge will allow us to be with the ones we love.

 

[Jane1234]

I get it... I call it being the designated asshole. As in there are times when I'm just the designat...

What you said hits so close to home for me. My husband always makes me feel like I'm the bad guy. How do you get through it. My husband just told me that
I have a bad back because when he try's to touch me I do everything to turn away to avoid him. It's just not true! How do you handle a comment like that? I can't be defensive cause them he'll say I'm picking on him!

Please any advice. He keeps on saying I need to change. Maybe he's looking for an out I don't know anymore.

I've heard so many times how bad I make him feel after awhile you start to think your a bad person! He deserves someone that can make him happy!

 

[Sweetpea76]

How do you get through it

I recognize his stress reaction. I know he's lashing out because he isn't managing his stressors well. He's not typically an asshole, and he does feel bad afterwards when he calms down...

But personally *I* manage my end by taking it all with a grain of salt. I recognize that, at the end if the day, my partner has a mental illness, and even though he is working on it, his go-to response to stressors is lashing out. I'm pretty good by now at recognizing PTSD lashing out verses him just being a turd. I don't tolerate much of either, but I definitely give him more patience for PTSD.

I also know my intentions and moods better than him. I know I'm not crazy or being mean. He can't convince me otherwise. Let him say what he wants. It doesn't make it true. He cannot read my mind.

 

[Jane1234]

I recognize his stress reaction. I know he's lashing out because he isn't managing his stressors wel...

Thank you that is so true but how do you manage this. Just tonight I messed up again!!! He asked me if he should come home I said yes. I love him and want to work on it. Usually it takes him forever to get home. I was out for a walk which he knew.... I shopped for an hour and headed home figuring we would arrive at the same time. While walking home he passed me in his truck and waved. He called and said he was going for something to eat. He had been home for an hour!! What is wrong with me. He came home several hours later. I apologized and told him I wish I were home when he arrived. His response was well you weren't I didnt let it get to me..... which of course he did. I know he looks at it as I don't care enough about home to have come home right away....

Oh God this just keeps on getting worse!!

 

[EveHarrington]

Chalk it up to non-communication and make sure in the future to not make assumptions?

I can see why you'd just assume he'd take forever because that is his pattern.

I can also see why he'd be upset as if someone told me to come over but wasn't there for another hour-----well, not cool, not cool at all.

I must say that the phone/motel/son incident REEKS of a control freak. "You don't love me if you can't ALWAYS answer the phone when I call!" Uhm ok that's asking perfection and since nobody is perfect I think that maybe he's not ready to be in a relationship.

I fear you're going to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make him happy----but if he doesn't improve himself, there's sadly not much you can do.

 

[EveHarrington]

@Jane1234

It would be a good idea for you to start your own thread rather than take over someone else's thread (and drown out their voice).

My apologies to the OP for continuing the thread-jack. I thought I was replying to the thread starter. I was not. Oops.

<mod edit to add: I've started a new thread; all is well>

 

[Sighs]

I also know my intentions and moods better than him. I know I'm not crazy or being mean. He can't convince me otherwise. Let him say what he wants. It doesn't make it true.

^^^ this needs to become my mantra. Because I'm starting to believe that I'm lazy and stupid despite the fact that I have two university degrees and have worked full time for the last 17 years. Sigh!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I never yell but he tells me I do? I find this very confusing and feel it's just how they feel, they see it as yelling?

My dad (whom lives with me) always says he isnt yelling, just talking loud. Sorry, had to advise of that.

But in all serious-ness, anything can be "yelling" to me when im triggered. You can be saying calmly with a slight tang of being slightly, tiny bit annoyed and you're yelling. Honestly, anything beyond a very calming tone in those times are yelling.

I think, by now, they can quote me before i say "stop yelling at me". Lol.

When triggered, it seems, everything is way more magnified. But i do agree, at the end of the day, you have to remember you're married to someone mentall ill. Not to say that in a bad way but a truth way.