General Help Me to Understand This One - Husband Wants Divorce

[Tammy]

Dear Dazed,
I read your post and my heart goes out to you one hundred per cent. I wish I could make your husband wake up to himself and be there for you and especially your son. What you need to remember is that him hitting your child is not right, for any one no matter the mental turmoil they are going through! You did the right thing by leaving when that happened; and I for one am roud of you for doing that! :kiss:

And as for his family, if I were you I would tell them exactly where to go; but I would probably regret it later on. I feel that you are very strong for just listening to their rubbish and I understand that it is very hard to do.

It annoyed me when you wrote that he says he never wanted children. My ex (who didn't have PTSD) said the exact same thing, only he requested DNA as well. I think it is a cop out for men to say that at all. Unless the women tampered with the condom, then that man is responsible for his child/ren. I understand how hard it must be for you to listen to that; especially after so many years of trying to conceive, and finally receiving your little miracle.

As for divorce; I personally wouldn't sign the papers until he knows what he wants and you are one hundred sure that he wants it. There is no need to sign them if in a coupe of months time he is going to come crawling back. But I have to agree with the others and say, MOVE ON as best you can. I know it'll be hard to find your feet again. But your son needs to see you managing things effectively. Take charge of your life like I believe you wanted to when he was there (my personal experience again). I would call the Child Support Agecy though, there is no need for you to face the financial burden of raising a child by yourself on top of everything else.

Stay safe and my thoughts are with both you and your son. I hope things work out sooner rather than later.

 

[Tammy]

Hello again,
sorry I didn't see this page earlier!

I was a law student and I researched what you said about your husband claiming spousal abuse... From what I have read, for him to do that there needs to be police and medical evidence of the abuse; if not, then there needs to be witnesses to it. You don't seem to be the type of woman to bash her husband (because if you were I am sure he would be pretty sore about now). I hope that helps a little bit. And I still say I would contest the divorce and fight to the bitter end with him over it!

 

[dazednconfused]

update

No, he does not say I physically abused him, he said mental spousal abuse or something to that effect. If anybody had abuse, it was me and my child over the past few years and I am not going to take this.

I am going to be there for my husband and let him know that I am there, but I am going to have to go on with my life and take care of my child. Hopefully my husband will come back to himself and be the responsible person he used to be, but right now with him going through so much and having so much "stress" and "anxiety", medical problems, problems with college and financial problems he has had, I think it has just overwhelmed him and I don't think he is thinking straight. I think once they get him on the "correct meds" and he has time to heal, he will come around.

I know that happened with our child and he feels so "horrible" about it and he told me that he just does not want to hurt me or my child and so he is basically just wanting to divorce me and set me free he says. He says this is all for me and my child that he is doing this and I guess he just wants me to let him go, but I don't think he is thinking straight, he has really no where to live besides with his parents and he won't even stay with them on the weekend and "disappears" and will have no contact with anyone. He is even not going to spend Thanksgiving with anyone and told me I was not even allowed to get him a Christmas present or see him or anything through the holidays. How crappy is that.

Oh well, the nightmare continues. I will just do the best I can. Thanks for the hugs n kisses.

Love all ya'll out there. I am a tough person and I am not a husband basher. I am more of a "lover" than a fighter really and hope we can work this out.

God bless!

 

[Andrea42]

Dazed,
Just do what you have to do.... take care of your child and take care of you. I feel your husband will come around as soon as you back off so give him the space (that he appearantly needs). I am glad you are not giving up and giving him a quick divorce (things gets so hectic and blown out of proportion with PTSD) He is going through something horrible at the moment so just let it sink in and be there for him when he is ready...thats pretty much all you can do...
Dont know if i missed it, but is he getting help? on meds?? i hope he is trying to help himself and not just giving up

 

[dazednconfused]

My husband is on meds and is seeing a medical doctor and a psychiatric physician. He is on Lexapro, but he did not start acting like this until they put him on the Lexapro as far as pushing us away. He said he could see "clearly" for the first time in his life. Oh well. I am just going to give him his "space" and pray for him as I love him so much and hope he will come back and be my sweetie again, only feeling better and not so angry all the time. I know he may have other episodes it seems, but at least if he were here with me, maybe it would be easier....:smile:

 

[Andrea42]

Dazed!!!!! i hope you are around and read this soon because Lexapro might be the problem!!!!!! OMG!! how i hate it! My experience with that med was so stressful and i was to the point where i wanted to walk out on my hubby.... When he started taking it he turned into a monster!! literally!! He was moody at all times, he would snap for no reason, yell, scream, throw things around and even stay in bed some days and not get up at all! He would say the most hateful, and hurtful things to me as well :( Dazed, you might want to talk to your hubby about the meds he is on....It took me a while to prove to my hubby that Lexapro had changed him for the worse (it was obvious to me because i have been on depression meds and know what to expect) but eventually he listened to me and noticed that he was different and as soon as he talked to his doc, she took him off of it.... He is now taking something different and he is doing much better and is even less hateful. I would look into it.

 

[dazednconfused]

Thanks!

Well, I have tried to talk to my husband, but he will not listen and short of having him commited, there is nothing that I can do. His doctor evidently thinks the medicine is working fine. I have sent her letter after letter along with the medical doctor. My husband thinks the med is doing him so much good and will not come off of it. I don't know what to do. I think if he came off of it he would be fine, but nobody will listen to me. I am just really worried about him.

If your husband would not have come off of it, what would you have done? I don't want to have him committed or anything, but here where we live, that is about all I could do to try to get him off of it.

If am just afraid he might commit suicide though, because he keeps isolating himself from others. I know Anthony on the forum said he was on Lexapro, but that he did not think it was the drug that would make my husband act this way. I just really do not know what to do. I just cry and pray and hope that he will see that it is not good for him.

Thanks for your comments.

 

[anthony]

Dazed, DO NOT listen to his threats, regardless whether he is serious or not. He is attempting the typical male dominance acts, in a hope in manipulating you into the position he is comfortable and in control off, otherwise if he doesn't have that control, he said it too you already, in that he will wash his hands with you all and have nothing to say. Don't worry, it is PTSD at its best. Sure, he most likely will initially, but it won't take long for him to come around and see the light, especially if he loves his kids.

 

[Andrea42]

Well said Anthony!! I believe that as well dazed... Its the PTSD at its best, i have been there :(

 

[Terry]

After being married for 8 years I walked out on my first wife and 2 kids (I'm so ashamed now. Wasn't on any meds at that point but then nothing seemed to make sense and the only time I felt like I belonged anywhere was when I was at work (in the squad car). Soon after I left my first wife I had my first fullblown flashback. After a couple of weeks I was in therapy and on so many meds that I could do nothing but sleep. Which is probably a good thing at that point. I remarried and in the summer of 2005 left my second wife. I don't remember much about the first time but do with the second. After I left my second wife I was confused and did alot of stupid stuff. Down deep I missed my wife very much but macho took over and I was not true to my feelings. After almost 1 year I was a mess. I couldn't leave my apt. took all my weapons apart and put them in my locker at work, was relieved over duty after going off on a LT. and precinct commander. I had treatened other officers. I was as low as I've ever been. My wife came to Memphis to check on me and I broke down. I knew as soon as I saw her I couldn't/wouldn't live without her. I needed her to be whole. I don't mean to give any advise as I can't. Everyone and every situation is different. This is what we lived through. These are the worst things I've ever done. PTSD did have alot to do with it but in the long run I"M THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for the better. Remember to remind your child that he had nothing to do with his father leaving. Remind him as much as possible.

 

[tig]

Dear Dazed,
Brace yourself: I'm going to be very straight with you. Have you ever thought of the possibility that he's trying to run away from himself as much as everyone else? Inside his head is a very messed up place right now-- obviously, because he's not thinking straight. He sounds so conflicted, & like Anthony said, he's being self destructive (but doesn't recognize it) in his attempts to distance himself from you. As much as you want to, you cannot save him from himself. Perhaps a separation is the best compromise for both of you. Give him the "space" he truly needs, while you focus on taking care of your son & yourself. You may benefit from some counseling because you've got so much going on. As a condition of the separation (of indeterminate time) that you offer to him, ask him to sign the appropriate papers (that you have an atty draw up beforehand) re: child support & payment of joint bills, etc. (My Dad's an atty & this is his recommendation.) Your husband may then have some of the extra stress taken off of his mind (you know stress only makes PTSD worse). Give him the alone time to do what he needs to do. (Just my experience, but dropping out of sight on the weekends sounds like he's hiding-- from everything. Been there, done that.) He may have to hit bottom (alone) before he begins to climb back up to "life" again.
And about his parents-- he's their son, who do you think they're going to try to blame? Not him, and certainly not them. It hurts to hear what they're saying, I know. (been there, too) Don't talk to them.
I know I sound really mean & uncaring; but I've been down this path. It sounds so familiar it's freaky. I'm telling you this because I DO care. Tell yourself every chance you have: NONE of this is your fault! But don't let your love for him cloud what you need to do for yourself & your child. If you love him, it may be best to let go for a little while. Remove the stress from the situation-- the fighting re: the divorce, your child, etc. In the end, it may not be the worst-case scenario that you now fear. You're strong-- You can make it thru this. Don't push so hard. You'll drive yourself crazy.
Also refer to what Terry said: it's important.
I will be thinking of you. I wish you the best.

 

[hannah]

Hi new to this site and what gem it has turned out to be for me finding others suffering the same kind of hell inflicted on their families. I am at the end of my tether also. Married to a kind and gentle loving husband and father I am now helpless to see he has turned into a shell devoid of all compassion and feling of the mayhem hes causing only says he has Broken Glass in his head and needs another selfish time in his life to sort his head out! He has been a serving soldier for 22 years a stint in the police force and
wiped out his strenghth in Iraq god knows what our family will do - he wont talk or accept help he has hidden himself in a hotel and wont tell us where he is. I have researched PTSD in depth over the web spending hours taking it in and am convinced he is suffering but dont know where to begin to try to understand if he wont talk to me - any ideas accepted gratefully