Help Me Understand The Professional Mentality Of Therapists

[Deleted member 33880]

Hi Bragado
Firstly, I am going to apologise because I am feeling pretty ill right now and I should not be on line. But I read your first post to start this thread and then I wanted to reach out to you and reply. If I was feeling better, I would read all the posts for this thread, but I am afraid I just don't feel I have what it takes to do that right now, with feeling so ill. So I offer my apology. If I say something that others have already said, I am sorry.
I really feel for you. I have struggled to get good therapists too. It sounds like you are highly intelligent, as I am. It can be frustrating that I often know more about the trauma field and the attachment difficulties than the poor therapists I meet.
I have been deeply messed up by two therapists, (got one struck off) and I have been badly wounded emotionally by at least three, who meant well but weren't up to the job.
It IS very difficult to meet good professionals. They require a level of professionalism and caring which is rare really. I actually require that my therapist loves me like a Dad. that of course is not going to happen but at least he loves like nearly a dad. he cares about me but of course he cares about his own family more but at least I am cared about to some degree.
I wonder for me, if it will ever be enough. I, like you I suspect, can't bear it if I tell how bad my life is, and someone just doesn't react. This present therapist cries and then tells me later that he lay awake worrying about me. (Before he told me that he checked out first that I would feel reassured by that rather than freaked out.) I was actually delighted that someone care about me that much. And THEN worried that he was losing sleep. But it was like a dad might worry about me, so I really liked that
Is any of this making sense?
so I feel for you. I too have felt very angry at not being treated with enough kindness, love, care and a genuine recognition that I am a suffering human being who is barely able to cope and sometimes is not coping.
If my PTSD was physical, I think I would often be rushed to intensive care. But because it is emotional/psychological - I have to wait days to see my T and that sucks.
You have my deepest sympathy. I know how bad it can feel. It is truly awful sometimes.

 

[GrowingJoy]

@Bragado Jansing it sounds like you know exactly what you need to do to feel safe and what direction you want to take your life in i.e. stay away from family members. I wonder why you need the permission of a therapist to do what you already feel is best for you. A therapist is not there to tell you how to live your life, that would be abusive. You seem really angry about something that is not in your control to change - the entire way that therapists work. If you don't think it's healthy to be in therapy for two years or longer, then don't do it, no one is forcing you to do that. But unfortunately, when we grow up in difficult family situations, it can take that long or longer to undo what we have experienced. You seem very angry about the set up of the therapeutic relationship and I am not sure why. It can be helpful to have a space that is just for you to focus on your issues and have time for yourself. I wonder if that is what might be making you upset.

 

[Bragado Jansing]

I'm probably not going to give up on finding a therapist since I'd like to talk about this stuff to someone, but right now probably isn't the best time since I'm focusing on looking for work. I was hoping I could find someone decent quick, but that has not happened, so my only option is doing this on my own.

My guess is that I've had some pretty nasty experiences with therapists, which really pisses me off. Especially since I've encountered some pretty bad ones in this second round of looking for them. Which also makes me angry: why are these people allowed to practice? I guess part of it is my own fault that I didn't report them when I should have, but it's a tough thing to do when you're in a bad place in life.

As far as the 20 I've called, some didn't have openings, some told me they couldn't help me, some required a $250 initial consultation in order to even ask them a question about their experience. A few were really dodgy about their experiences and I could tell they were full of crap. One was straight-up weird on the phone. I only saw the ones who said they could help and had openings, and they definitely were a little misleading about their experience. The two that I saw were just ... creepy and weird, like my filter only got the ones who were good liars, because their presentation was not what they were like in session. One guy even used a picture that had to be at least 10 years out of date, and I didn't even recognize him when I met him, thought I was in the wrong office. This is how I found that one female therapist who was really manipulative and tried to get me tangled up in a sexual relationship with her.

I'm sure there are good therapists out there, but I don't have the time or energy to keep looking right now, especially since I'd have to spend a lot of time and money sifting through the shysters and weirdos. It takes a very professional and deeply ethical person to take a power relationship with a vulnerable person and not make it exploitative. It's especially difficult when someone has been basically beaten into submission like I have, which makes power-imbalanced relationships a particularly dangerous thing for me. So getting into this is a nerve wracking experience for me, especially since I got burned really badly by a few therapists I saw.

 

[joeylittle]

@Bragado Jansing - I hear you.

My offer to help re-direct your search still stands, if you'd be willing to share how you came by the names that you called initially. (In PM, too, if you'd rather not get into it here).

Not asking for the names - just more info on how you ran your search for them, what you excluded, included, etc.

 

[Alistair]

EMDR videos?? Can you tell me how to get hold of these as I live in a very rural area of my country and...

YouTube.

The two I use are the green dot on a black background. They have helped me keep my marriage intact whole we are separated.

 

[Bragado Jansing]

@Bragado Jansing - I hear you.

My offer to help re-direct your search still stands, if you'd be willing to share how you came by the names that you called initially. (In PM, too, if you'd rather not get into it here).

Not asking for the names - just more info on how you ran your search for them, what you excluded, included, etc.

Here's how I conducted the search:

Did a google search for CBT (which works for me) plus trauma or PTSD. I made a list of all the service providers who listed experience in CBT and advertised experience with PTSD. I also went onto P. Today's search and selected "CBT" and "PTSD".

I created a spreadsheet with the names, numbers, my review of the conversation, prices, times, etc, then just went down the list. I asked questions if they had experience with child abuse and the effects that stem from them, and let them know about what my current situation was. I was only able to do this with therapists who didn't require an upfront payment for a consultation. I don't have the money to waste on a $250-300 session just to ask these basic questions.

So that's pretty much what I did. I only saw the therapists who affirmatively answered that they had experience in helping people recover from child abuse, had experience in CBT, were willing to let me ask them a few questions, and had open session times. A lot of them just sounded downright weird and off-putting, and I culled them due to the "skin-crawling" factor.

So out of 20 only 2 made that cut, though the majority weren't taking new clients or required an upfront payment for basic questions. Like the last therapist I saw, there was no indication that he would be off his face on drugs. His profile picture looked professional (and he looked nothing like his picture when I met him), he sounded perfectly coherent on the phone, and meeting him was like a totally different experience. Etc.

Also, thank you for offering. I'm seeing here that I have some big limitations in this search, namely that I'm currently engaging in a job search right now, so my options and time are very limited. Maybe it'll go better when I have more money/insurance/stability to widen the net. I wanted to find someone to help me during this, but I don't think that's going to happen. I tried, it's not the end of the world.

 

[joeylittle]

Cool - thanks for sharing.

I definitely think a more refined search will yield you better results. (That's not a criticism, I'm just speaking from my own experience looking for mental health services in the NY/NJ metro area).

I have some time later on, and will see if I can configure a search as an example of what I'm talking about.

 

[Bragado Jansing]

I definitely think a refined search will yield you better results. (That's not a criticism, I'm just speaking from my own experience looking for mental health services in the NY/NJ metro area).

I have some time later on, and will see if I can configure a search as an example of what I'm talking about.

Thanks, I'd appreciate this.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

So....the one thing you miss from the therapists you have been with is empathy?
This is a bit funny, but I went to my therapist a few months some years ago. He helped me get over a short but hard period of time in my life, but he never really reacted on the things I told him about my childhood - he was kind of telling me I turned out fine, so it could not have been that bad. He did not want to go deep and see the roots of my problems. No real harm was done, because I did not really "feel" my problems about my childhood anyway like I do now. I just wanted to find out if my childhood had been f*cked up more theoretically. But I guess it may delay some kind of process.

When I then got a new crisis about a year ago, I contacted him again. He was very different as a therapist. Much more empathic and actually this time, he made ME stop minimizing my problems. If he had not taken me seriously I dont know what I would have done. Luckily he saw that. Which cause me to stay in therapy this time.

I just think he gotten more experienced, and maybe gotten some more therapy himself;)

 

[PureBliss]

Ideal therapist ... here's my personal vision for it.

• Throw out the "therapeutic re...

I don't agree with the part where you say a therapeutic relationship is not needed though. If a person don't trust his/her therapist, how is the person willing to share his/her deepest thoughts and feelings?

 

[Dana1010]

It's like all of the nightmarishly demented stuff I've been telling therapists just goes in one ear and out the other.

Is this part of their professional ethos or something?

It seems to me that many therapists wind up building a wall around themselves to block out the emotional impact of the things people tell them. Sometimes I wonder if some of them have actually mastered a method of appearing to listen whilst actually not hearing what you say. Perhaps it's not surprising. You're in a room for eight hours a day listening to things people can't tell their closest friends -- how are you going to deal?

Then I had a therapist who was quite good about going there with you -- you knew that she was really feeling what you were saying. But then I'd come in sometimes and she'd be visibly frazzled, and she'd try to steer the conversation away from hard stuff. Some other patient had spent her for the day.

So there are the in-one-ear-and-out-the-other therapists who will listen to anything but not really hear it. And then there are the ones who go there with you, but precisely because of their empathy, can only take so much before they have to start slowing you down.

The ideal therapist? Would be one who goes there with you and never gets burned out. Good luck finding one.

. I haven't heard many stories of helpful therapists, other than, "it was helpful!" I never read any detailed explanations about what quite made it helpful. "It just was!" Like, what does that mean?

I wonder about this too. Maybe they were just in a place of healing at the time, and they're confusing that with the therapist. I would say what is helpful is following your train of thought and asking the right questions at the right time. I thought those were bare bones requirements for therapists and had no idea how hard to find they'd turn out to be.

To me the whole idea of the "therapeutic relationship" needs to be eliminated and replaced with something different.

I don't think it should be eliminated, but I think it needs to be balanced with actual standards that they can measure progress against. The problem is when therapists use the concept of the relationship to distract from the fact that they're not getting results. What are the best practices, what works for treating this problem? You ask ten therapists, and you get ten different answers. They can't all be right, and there should be some way of determining who is right and disseminating the right methods across the industry.

I shouldn't take it so personally when people want to blame the victim, it's a common defense mechanism, especially when there isn't much anyone can do about all the bad stuff in the world.

I've noticed some people on this board go on the offense when posters criticize therapists in a way that is downright weird. Maybe they're clinging to faith that a therapist is going to fix everything for them, and your realism is triggering buyer's remorse, which they seek to ease by blaming you instead. They are so desperate to believe in therapy, they are willfully blinding themselves to therapist's shortcomings? I don't know.

 

[Abstract]

I hope you manage to find an easier way to access better t's. And I'm truly sorry about the sexually inappropriate t that you had.. T's like this do terrible damage.

Two additional things to consider: Personally if I was going for CBT I would make sure it was Trauma Focused CBT. In my experience if they havent done TCBT and just claim experience helping trauma they are often of the "leave the past behind and don't talk about it" camp.
Secondly I give no credence whatsover of claims of helping PTSD or abuse if they don't specialise in it. T's will often give a shopping list of things they have treated. I see what else they claim to treat and if it isn't fairly smally focused around this I avoid. I totally agree there should be a universal qualification that tells us if they do have this knowledge or not.

As for what we need from the t's response: I have come to realise that we are all unique. I know multiple people who cannot have t with someone who looks affected by trauma they discuss. And others who are further traumatised by a lack of response (including me). Some who are very badly affected by being told what to do and others who want and need it. Communicating what we need and leaving if someone can't give it to us is probably the way to go. But you want to hedge your bets as much as possible first - or I do! If you like someone being more directive then a bit of gestalt or something similar in addition may help. Just remember though that too much direction makes us dependent and takes our power away. T's can't fix us and it isn't like setting a broken leg. They give us the help to fix ourselves. Good luck and I hope the further info others may share will help.