Relationship Help!

[PDJ]

I've just had a massive argument with my girlfriend. She was being evasive and felted i was crowding her (which i didn't feel i was). Anyway, she FaceTimed me and we ended up having a big argument. She said she couldn't feel anything and didn't know how to feel. I didn't react badly to that but said i knew she had PTSD and wanted to help. That went down okay but then i said i've been reading about it and wanted to understand what she was going through. She took umbridge to this and stated i considered her a project and made her sick. I stated this wasn't true. Anyway, all hell broke loose and we both said some stuff in the heat of the moment we regret. After I apologised and stated i had shown a lack of understanding and cared about her feelings. I'm so angry at myself i reacted!

Long story short, we exchanged a couple of messages to which she was very cold. She accused me of thinking she was vulnerable and stated i thought she again was a project. I assured her not. Anyway, i messaged saying i was there for her when she needed me. All i got back after that was a torrent of abuse saying she didn't love me, felt smothered and that she was angry and wanted to break things off. I know she loves me and cares about me so much. Having a couple of days earlier had an argument i didn't bite. I told her i get she may feel angry and things may be raw. But that, she knows who i am and i'm sorry if she felt i was smothering her. I told her calmly i love her and always will. That i know it may seem easy to push me away but that i'll always be there for her and if she ever needed anything i'll always be there for her. I know she was looking for an argument and texted again, i didn't bite and stated she knows where i am.

I feel so so guilty. I love her with all my heart and i know she loves me. I hate the idea that she is hurting and that i may have caused it. Since then, i have not been in touch and think i should just leave her be?

 

[Tinyflame]

No, you don't 'make her sick'. (Different from, "You make me sick!..")

Is she a project? (Being honest? A lot of people are like that, until the next one comes along. )

Not your fault though, her ptsd or reactions, no. Not your fault to crowd, her responsibility to ask for space.

Good luck.

 

[PDJ]

No, you don't 'make her sick'. (Different from, "You make me sick!..")

Is she a project? (Being honest?...

No she is definitely not a project. I love her and care for her deeply.

I certainly don't think I crowded her but could have reacted better.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @PDJ you don't say the length of your relationship.

The thing is, people aren't projects, but bored people like projects, & some need to feel needed too. And then there's always another project.

The trouble is, that's a disastrous dynamic (you couldn't get more disrespectful, not to mention for dating decidedly un-sexy). You may not see her that way, but if she thinks you do, or that's the message she thinks she's gotten, it's the same difference. Not healthy for her to feel she's a project though either. Likely that's done I'd guess, & hence the coldness. Without what followed.

But I could be wrong too. Sorry. :( Take care.

 

[Justmehere]

She says that she felt you were too close. You responded by saying you had looked up info major mental illness she has, and you wanted to help her with it. You didn't work with her to figure out how she could have more space in the relationship, which is what she was asking for, but instead wanted to help her with an extremely personal and difficult problem that is very risky to let anyone into.

Yeah, that would trigger me to push someone away even more if I already felt they were too close.

I don't condone her being a jerk or being cold, but it is really clear that she keeps pulling away, and in response, you try to push in more, and then she pulls away even more, and you respond by pushing in closer even more.

You both are reacting instead of remains inch to each other and caught in a bad cycle.

You say you didn't crowd her. Maybe that is true, but it's sort of besides the point. She says she doesn't like how close you are and to her, she feels crowded.

Demanding intimacy from a trauma survivor, who has learned that closeness can mean death, is not a path for a healthy relationship.

I think it's time to try something different than just trying to be closer and closer with her. She is sending a very clear message that she doesn't want that.

So what is a different response that you could have?

 

[PDJ]

She says that she felt you were too close. You responded by saying you had looked up info major menta...

I totally agree with this and in hindsight I have admitted this to her and stated I didn't mean to smother her. The thing is I don't respond to that either and we have talked about this in the past about other people. She had admitted our overall communication in this cycle hasn't been great. I think I need to give her her space (if that makes sense). I cannot demand time with her and she knows how I feel about her. Likewise, I know how she feels about me so that gives me comfort even though sometimes in anger she says the opposite. I know I could have handled it better in the heat of the moment but in truth I've not seen her respond as bad as this before. It's been tough, but with the essence of hindsight I would have handled things much differently. I don't need to ram feelings down her throat (in her eyes) when she cannot respond to that. It's the first time it's really happened so a new experience for me. I've known her 2 years and been dating 7.