Here We Go Again...vent

[Chosen]

So I've been homeless since July 31st and will be until Sept 1st. It's been brutal. Though I've stayed with friends, the constant moving around, different rules, different homes and noises, etc has been extremely hard to deal with. I'm at the breaking point. Well, last night the ppl I stayed with kept talking and making noises until around 2am, and I just couldn't handle it. I called and asked my T to call me today. He just called, and I started letting him know what was going on--he wasn't responding so I asked if he was still there. He asked if there was an emergency and said I wasn't to use phone contact unless there was an emergency. So I said "I'm hanging up now." and hung up.

I'm really hurt. I've been so stressed out, and I've respected all of his new boundaries, and I'm just so overwhelmed with everything, and I'm tired, and just.....like, why couldn't he have been more kind to me? I'm freaking homeless right now and stressed out beyond belief. This is just so, so hard.

I'm really tempted to cancel our Sept 12th session and just go see him on Nov 14th (5 year anniversary of leaving the cult). We've been having so many issues lately--and we're ending next year & I have limited sessions left, but I'm so tired of all the crap between us. Like can't he understand I'm a human being??? I'm not trying to use him or anything. I just wanted a little support because of how stressed out I am. Is that too much to ask for???

 

[greenleaf]

Hello @Noah, do you have an option to look for a different therapist? From what you've written, he doesn't sound like the most empathetic person. I had a T who seemed to have a pretty strong focus on boundaries, when I felt I needed more empathy; it felt terrible, and I wasn't even in the awful situation you're describing at the time. (When that T did show some empathy eventually, I didn't really trust it... I wonder if she was being distant because I was? They have training not to show lots more emotion than the client is, I have heard, but if we really need empathy at a particular point and are dissociated or something, and don't even know it, how can we get that across?)

I have one now who feels much warmer. I found her using the 'find a therapist' link on psychologytoday.com. Her
blurb sounded warm, and she is. I see you're in the U.S. so I hope you can use this, and maybe switch if you want?

Also -- I've felt sometimes like I have a traumatized 'part' that sits back and watches to see if someone is safe, and none of my trauma issues were really coming up if not... Basic warmth on a human level seems a thing that that part watches for, so I would call this absolutely crucial for progress. I bet there are plenty of Ts who don't think this way...

Boundaries might be important for some things like keeping everyone safe, but I don't think focus on them really helps trauma issues at all, personally. The "stuff" is on a deep level that needs emotional safety.

 

[shimmerz]

So many people just can't get a grip on what it means to be homeless. Is it an emergency????? Of course it is a freaking emergency! I spent 3-4 years hopping from place to place with the craziest reactions EVER. Shelters, friends houses, cars, under trees. OMG. I say go with your gut feeling. No help is better than bad help imho.

 

[Chosen]

I can't switch T's right now. He's a university counselor, so visits are included in the tuition. Plus, we're ending next year when I graduate anyway.

He was supportive during group last week Thursday, but I just don't get how he doesn't understand that the pressure's building up more and more. This is so hard.

 

[shimmerz]

So then is it possible that this is something that you need to put into perspective and understand that he doesn't 'get' the pressure of homelessness? Can you live with that?

 

[BlueOrange]

One thing that I find very hard to accept at times, is that people don't always give me the support that I think I need. I get triggered when I see authority figures being unkind.

The thing I try to remind myself about is that it's important for me to set limits on how far I go to help people, otherwise I end up drained, and unable to help anybody.

If your therapist has set a boundary that the phone is only for emergencies, then that's the boundary. Your T's behaviour seems reasonable, even though it's difficult to cope with. (I would find it difficult in the situation you describe.)

If you value the support of this therapist (it sounds like you do), then you should keep your next appointment. Therapists can be very difficult, but it's a bit like fitness training - if you're not finding it difficult, then you're not getting stronger.

It does sound like you could use some kindness. And I'm glad your homelessness has an end date.

 

[Chosen]

I have to, but that doesn't change the hurt and anger.

 

[greenleaf]

Hmmm... Would it help to start thinking about the qualities you'd like in a T when you can get into a longer-term therapy situation, your living situation is stable...? How about community-based support groups, that aren't through the university?

You can get to a better situation in lots of ways, I'm glad you have better housing on 9/1.

 

[Pencil]

What does he want you to do? Freak out and end up in a 'real' emergency? Sorry, rhetorical question.

I'm so sorry Noah, I know how hurt and angry you must feel. I've been homeless; it is incredibly stressful.

 

[The Albatross]

I would pause to consider that the cause of the disturbance was the people in whose house you are staying with. But you are in need of a place to sleep/stay and can't afford to be upset at them. Your therapist is not wrong to have a boundary on contact outside of an emergency. Is the hurt and anger really at the therapist or is it being disturbed, unable to request from the people you're staying with for an accommodation because they were already doing you a favor as it is,

Noah, you though have been frustrated in the therapeutic relationship so it is definitely worth having the session and communicating what you're thinking and feeling with your T.

You're in a very vulnerable and difficult spot right now... those feelings and thoughts are valid. I wish your housing date could get moved up.

 

[Ms.Chrysalis]

Hi Noah,

I wrote the post a bit below this morning as a new member. I didn't ever really need contact between sessions until I moved here and got a new therapist in a session that didn't go well and triggered nightmares.

She didn't bother to call me back, just later told me the panicked voicemail and asking for scheduling another session to deal with it was inappropriate.

But here's what I find inappropriate - boundaries regarding what circumstances are considered acceptable for contact between sessions should be stated right up, by therapists who have obviously had to deal with this before and should know they should be setting them from the getgo, not waiting until you encroach some invisible, unspoken boundary you didn't ever dream you'd be breaking anyway, we're not mindreaders and obviously, our preference would not to be in this situation at all, it's humiliating enough.

Then again, if they didn't state these boundaries right up front, it's our responsibility to ask these questions in the first visit, i.e., what should I do if these sessions stir up panic or nightmares?

(However, some of us didn't know in advance we were going to get such a brain rock from an experience).

Additionally, did the therapist and you discuss what feelings might come up so they wouldn't be a surprise and what tools you could use for dealing with these feelings?

if not, that's a question for them, next time, if you can't asked to be referred to another therapist.

I also raised an eyebrow that he asked if there was an emergency - that, to me, is encouraging clients to create one. (And please don't do that, not encouraging that at all. He should be able to take seriously how you feel without the need to create an emergency, despite his apparent fostering of it.

But here's the good news, just so you know there's light at the end of the tunnel on homeless - I was homeless in 2010 to early 2011 and could not afford therapy anymore, a friend helped me move back here. I am back in the field I used to work in, only from home now, and my own place, shared with my extremely loving and supporting boyfriend of 2-1/2 years.

I say trust your instincts - once you've had good therapy and the panic/nightmares stopped and you felt more in control of your life, you'll recognize "shamey" therapists with poor boundary setting skills themselves immediately - and if you can't switch, better not to have one and talk to yourself supportively as you would other people suffering here (it's easier for me to be nicer to others than myself;)

Take care, don't give up - homelessness is a trauma in and of itself and another situation where people overly blame the victim - don't fall for it, you are doing the best you can to repair your life and if I can pull up out of homelessness, so can you, hon - take care

 

[Chosen]

Albatross, I'm currently moving all my stuff (Again!) to another place, so tonight I'll be able to go to bed early and get some sleep.

My issue was that I was hurting and wanted to get support from my T....I thought that this was a special circumstance...it's not as if I stubbed my toe and was calling for support.

Furthermore, I've called in the past for non-emergency situations (emergencies I view to be someone's dead, dying, or bleeding), and he was completely FINE with it. So....this flip floppiness where it was okay in one situation but not in the other just sucks. Though this isn't an emergency yet, I feel like a volcano/meltdown is coming. I've been struggling with self-harm urges to try to deal with the stress, etc etc. I really thought he'd be understanding about this.