Undiagnosed Hey

[Jazzy360]

Hello I found my dad threw dna we talked for 3 months I met him already and we have gotten really close he has started kissing me goodbye on the cheek with was ok, but last week he kissed me on the lips and now he’s been doing that a lot lately am I over reacting?? Is this appropriate

 

[Sideways]

Welcome. This is a ptsd forum - is there a reason you’re posting here (you’ve indicated you don’t have ptsd, and don’t support anyone with ptsd)?

I over reacting?

Depends how you’re reacting.

Is this appropriate

The generic answer will depend on where you are in the world, culturally.

A good rule of thumb: it makes you uncomfortable, it’s inappropriate, and you should probably ask him to stop doing it.

 

[arfie]

hello jazzy. welcome to the forum.

i am no expert in generic propriety, but i have seen it go both ways. i, strictly personal, am not comfortable with kisses on the lips from anyone but my husband. i turn my head to the side for the people who want to kiss on the lips. side note: my aversion to touch is intense enough that i often back up and avoid even the hugs.

for my psycho nickel, the propriety is strictly personal. what are YOU comfortable with?

steadying support while you find what works for you. welcome aboard.

 

[Friday]

The ‘OTHER’ tab is for journalists, educators, researchers, law enforcement, govt., students, therapists, and other individuals and organisations interested in learning about… PTSD. People who do not have PTSD, and don’t support people with PTSD, but have personal or professional or academic interest.

Whether kissing on the lips is appropriate? Is a social-anthropology question. As it’s totally appropriate in some cultures, and wildly inappropriate in others, and “it varies” amongst the rest.

For example? In cultures with prescribed social kissing (one cheek, both cheeks, 3 alternating cheeks for business & social events, to denote how “close” one is, debts owed, respect owed even within a blood family, etc.?) Lip kissing is reserved for immediate family within one to two generations. Grandparents, kids, grandkids…aunts/uncles/nieces/nephews one generation, two would be great grandparents & great grandkids, great aunts/uncles, etc.). Of course, blood DEBT means also means lip kissing amongst mortal enemies. It… gets complicated. As do almost all families & politicking. Where a kiss on the lips could be a ‘goodbye’ between business rivals, or best friends, before one of them is about to be melted in acid. Sociocultural rules… are…. Complex. As are family politics.

If the bloke tries to f*ck you, feel you up, borrow money, need an organ? Then, no. It’s not cultural. If he doesn’t? Shrug. Depends on the cultural rules he’s adopted.

Being CONCERNED about someone kissing you on the lips? Means you’re probably American, and have never travelled abroad, and aren’t that cute. So you’re tragically self conscious, desperate, and hope to have found your long lost “dad”. Meaning you’re a near perfect mark for all kinds of shenanigans. 1. Get a DNA test. 2. NO ONE has solved the nature/nurture debate. Sharing genes with someone? Does. Not. Determine. Your. Spirit. Even if you stir your coffee the same way, work in the same field, etc. ALL KINDS of assholes also do this. As well as all kinds of idiots. And all kinds of heros.

He kissed you on the lips. So? He either comes from that kind of culture (you don’t, as you’re worried, instead of relieved), or? He’s a perverted asshole, whether you share genetics or not. Like “OMFG, he saw my HAIR!!!” Level of freaked out in cultures where hijabs are worn in public, but not at home. But Americans? Couldn’t. Give. A. f*ck. Who. Saw. Their. Hair. Even though they try to hide “bad hair days” in various ways? It’s not a sexual perversion kind of situation for a stranger to see your hair. Because hair is for family (who doesn’t care) and lovers (who DO). Like tits/pussy/ass in america. Your family wants you to put it away, your lovers want you to show them. But both? See.

NONE of this has to do with PTSD. I only happen to be an anthropologist who is bored, in this moment. So I’m sharing 100/200 level “any university freshman/sophomore would know” BASIC info.

Seriously. Your maybe-biological dad kissed you on the lips. And you’re feeling weird about it. So you hit up people who were raped, raped as KIDS, abused, tortured, in combat… to process a weird feeling??? That’s where your head goes? I got PTSD from being cut in line?

SELF CONFIDENCE.

You felt weird.

That’s a valid concern.

That’s not life threatening trauma &/or sexual assault. It just isn’t. And even WITH life threatening trauma & sexual assault? Only a minority get PTSD. The majority deal with other clusterf*cks.

My bio dad kissed me weird, is a shrudder. A red flag for a con, or conflicting cultures. Not a lifelong disorder.

 

[Jazzy360]

the JS to everyone who reached out yall have to remember I’ve never had a dad he’s 66 I’m in my 20s we just me so it’s new to me. He even calls me babe now I guess it’s his pet name for me I just have to get used to stuff but I prefer to get called daughter like he used to call me and get a kiss on the cheek like in the bet

 

[Movingforward10]

the JS to everyone who reached out yall have to remember I’ve never had a dad he’s 66 I’m in my 20s we just me so it’s new to me. He even calls me babe now I guess it’s his pet name for me I just have to get used to stuff but I prefer to get called daughter like he used to call me and get a kiss on the cheek like in the bet

What's stopping you from telling him this?
They are your lips - you can tell him don't do that.

 

[Jazzy360]

I’m a shy person

 

[Jazzy360]

The ‘OTHER’ tab is for journalists, educators, researchers, law enforcement, govt., students, therapists, and other individuals and organisations interested in learning about… PTSD. People who do not have PTSD, and don’t support people with PTSD, but have personal or professional or academic interest.

Whether kissing on the lips is appropriate? Is a social-anthropology question. As it’s totally appropriate in some cultures, and wildly inappropriate in others, and “it varies” amongst the rest.

For example? In cultures with prescribed social kissing (one cheek, both cheeks, 3 alternating cheeks for business & social events, to denote how “close” one is, debts owed, respect owed even within a blood family, etc.?) Lip kissing is reserved for immediate family within one to two generations. Grandparents, kids, grandkids…aunts/uncles/nieces/nephews one generation, two would be great grandparents & great grandkids, great aunts/uncles, etc.). Of course, blood DEBT means also means lip kissing amongst mortal enemies. It… gets complicated. As do almost all families & politicking. Where a kiss on the lips could be a ‘goodbye’ between business rivals, or best friends, before one of them is about to be melted in acid. Sociocultural rules… are…. Complex. As are family politics.

If the bloke tries to f*ck you, feel you up, borrow money, need an organ? Then, no. It’s not cultural. If he doesn’t? Shrug. Depends on the cultural rules he’s adopted.

Being CONCERNED about someone kissing you on the lips? Means you’re probably American, and have never travelled abroad, and aren’t that cute. So you’re tragically self conscious, desperate, and hope to have found your long lost “dad”. Meaning you’re a near perfect mark for all kinds of shenanigans. 1. Get a DNA test. 2. NO ONE has solved the nature/nurture debate. Sharing genes with someone? Does. Not. Determine. Your. Spirit. Even if you stir your coffee the same way, work in the same field, etc. ALL KINDS of assholes also do this. As well as all kinds of idiots. And all kinds of heros.

He kissed you on the lips. So? He either comes from that kind of culture (you don’t, as you’re worried, instead of relieved), or? He’s a perverted asshole, whether you share genetics or not. Like “OMFG, he saw my HAIR!!!” Level of freaked out in cultures where hijabs are worn in public, but not at home. But Americans? Couldn’t. Give. A. f*ck. Who. Saw. Their. Hair. Even though they try to hide “bad hair days” in various ways? It’s not a sexual perversion kind of situation for a stranger to see your hair. Because hair is for family (who doesn’t care) and lovers (who DO). Like tits/pussy/ass in america. Your family wants you to put it away, your lovers want you to show them. But both? See.

NONE of this has to do with PTSD. I only happen to be an anthropologist who is bored, in this moment. So I’m sharing 100/200 level “any university freshman/sophomore would know” BASIC info.

Seriously. Your maybe-biological dad kissed you on the lips. And you’re feeling weird about it. So you hit up people who were raped, raped as KIDS, abused, tortured, in combat… to process a weird feeling??? That’s where your head goes? I got PTSD from being cut in line?

SELF CONFIDENCE.

You felt weird.

That’s a valid concern.

That’s not life threatening trauma &/or sexual assault. It just isn’t. And even WITH life threatening trauma & sexual assault? Only a minority get PTSD. The majority deal with other clusterf*cks.

My bio dad kissed me weird, is a shrudder. A red flag for a con, or conflicting cultures. Not a lifelong disorder.

Look I’m new to this app I thought this was an app when you post anything you want and ppl can help you out. I have been through sexual trauma as well and I did not mean to offend anyone. As a survivor I can relate I’m asking this question because since I’ve been abused sexually my whole damn life I wanted advice to see if this is normal behavior or he’s trying to get sexual with me.

 

[Movingforward10]

I’m a shy person

Me too. And with a history of sexual trauma, it's hard to set boundaries. But, learning to do that will help you.
You don't want him kissing your lips. And you don't want him to call you babe. That is perfectly ok.
What is the fear of telling him that?

Best case scenario (and a healthy one), is he says sorry and he doesn't do it again
Worst case scenario is he gaslights you, ignores you, and continues. And then you get to choose to walk away from an unhealthy (abusive?) relationship.

if you don't say anything, he will just continue and you'll feel like you do now but the feelings and dread will build. It isn't healthy to not express what your needs are.

 

[Jazzy360]

Me too. And with a history of sexual trauma, it's hard to set boundaries. But, learning to do that will help you.
You don't want him kissing your lips. And you don't want him to call you babe. That is perfectly ok.
What is the fear of telling him that?

Best case scenario (and a healthy one), is he says sorry and he doesn't do it again
Worst case scenario is he gaslights you, ignores you, and continues. And then you get to choose to walk away from an unhealthy (abusive?) relationship.

if you don't say anything, he will just continue and you'll feel like you do now but the feelings and dread will build. It isn't healthy to not express what your needs are.

Thank you so much for the advice I needed that and I will tell him. Thanks