Sufferer Hi I Am 17 Yrs Old I Need Help

[Kaiser]

hi. my name is kaiser. i am a 17 year old gay boy.
a few months ago my abusive ex boyfriend left me for a different boy.
i dated this boy for 2 years. he was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive.
he used to hit me. and shove me. and tel me i was useless and only made his life worse and made him want to die. he told me i was nothing but a heavy weight on his back, ye t he never let me free. i guess maybe he enjoyed the punchinf bag.
he was always angry. alwyays. he blamed me for evwrythibg. he would lock me in rooms so that he wouldnt have to look at me because he told me looking at me made him feel worse and eant to hit me moere. he was 19 and i was 16 at the time. he made me feel like my existence is only a chore to others. i can not !shake rhis feeling.
i wsnt to date other boys. i want to be loved and i want to live because i have so much love to gove. i want someone to like me for me and not hi t me when id o bad. but i am too afraidm because a boy will never love me for real because no matter who im with or who i am i will always be nothin g but a weight on someonws back. i feel like i wikl never be loved agaib. everytime i go to sleep i dream about him yelking at me. i flinch when someone makea. sudden move. i cannot bw in rooms with closed doors. i cannot shake him off of me. i feel like no one will ever loce me. ifeel like i will nwver love me. i feel like he is always watchibf me judginf everything i so. i can almoat hear him
pleade help me. i do not know where to go. or wahat to do. i will take any advice or support i can. thank yku

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi Kaiser, and welcome to the forum. I'm SO sorry for all that you've endured. But, I'm also glad that you are away from this guy, as he was so abusive to you. Do you have the option of seeking out counseling? I think that could really help you.

 

[Kaiser]

Hi Kaiser, and welcome to the forum. I'm SO sorry for all that you've endured. But, I'm also glad that you are away from this guy, as he was so abusive to you. Do you have the option of seeking out counseling? I think that could really help you.

hello! thank you for the reply i hope i am replying right i am not used to forums.
i have not told my parents about this yet because they hate me because i am gay and i do not think that they would react kindly to the situation with my ex. as soon as i turn 18 this summer i will.most likley seak counsling, or something, becayse i feel it would be very useful

 

[SeanCharles]

@Kaiser Hello and welcome to the forum. I am extremely sorry that you have endured. That abuse you endured was not your fault. Nobody, especially a guy your age, should ever have to endure that. I'd definitely consider counseling. I have found counseling very helpful for a variety of reasons.

---SeanGeo

 

[ms spock]

Hello Kaiser,

I am really upset to read what you went through with your boyfriend. His behaviour is abusive.

I hope you can get some good counselling.

Can you seek out the gay and lesbian community and get some support there? I am not sure what country you are in, but there are many resources in some countries.

Can you ring phone lines for some support?

 

[Seagreen]

Welcome to the forum.

You are not just a weight on someone shoulders. Please don't tell yourself that. You deserve to be loved and respected.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey Kaiser.

I was raised with the same idea -that I was just this exhausting nuisance. My mother used to tell me she would kill herself because of me and this description you give of your boyfriend matches her in a lot of ways. Anyway I lived with her lies for about twelve years, and although I'm still struggling to shake off her lies, they are actually fading a little bit.

This idea that you're just a big weight will last with you for a while but you will find people who respect you for who you are, people who are happy and healthy and can help you improve, although you will have to do most of the work. You'll find lots of support on this forum. :)

 

[shimmerz]

i just want to congratulate you, Kaiser on realizing that this situation you were in was abusive. Many of us don't realize that for a very long time. That makes you pretty smart in my eyes. :cool: It is so tempting to use bad words when describing ourselves, isn't it? You are good an young and that leads me to believe that you can switch that more quickly than those of us who are 'old and wise' as we have had many years or decades of falling into patters that @Radise describes above - repeating the lies that others told us. I hope that you can be kind and gentle to yourself today. :hug:

 

[rightkindofme]

If at 17 you already know that it was abuse, I applaud you. It is hard to recognize that what people do to you is wrong.

What your boyfriend did is wrong. Lots of wonderful, nice boys will be nice to you. Do you have a local LGBT center? They will be able to help you find counseling. Make sure that you ONLY see therapists who are queer friendly. Ask when you talk to someone on the phone before your first appointment. "Are you comfortable working with someone who is gay? Do you consider that to be a healthy way to live?" If someone doesn't say "OF COURSE IT IS HEALTHY!!!!" they are not the therapist for you.

I'm not going to spread sugar over some poop and tell you it is candy. Life is really hard for LGBT folk. You need allies. You need to find friends and support. You matter. You really do.

If you don't currently know about an LGBT center in your area, go to your local public library and ask the librarian to help you find LGBT support services in your area. There is a very low chance your librarian is a jerkface who won't be supportive... but it's a freakishly low chance. Librarians generally are open minded and really interested in helping people get to the information they need.

Good luck Kaiser. You aren't a weight. You are a joyous presence in the world. I wish you lots of joy.

 

[intothelight]

@Kaiser Welcome to the forum!

I don't now if there is a LGBT Community Resource Center near where you live, but that may be a good place to reach out for some support and counseling. If there is a way that you would not have to wait until you are 18, take advantage of it as the sooner you can get some help, the sooner you will be on the way to feeling better.

 

[joeylittle]

@Kaiser welcome to the forum - you are with friends here.