T
TiredMedic747
So my name is Nick, I have been a paramedic for 12 years in two of the busiest systems in New England. I have seen and done things that I hate and that I hate myself for. I have had some problems dealing with things as of late in the last two years or so. But what really pushed me over the edge was an on the job injury. We were working a code (CPR, intubation, drugs) basically on a patient that we knew was dead and would still be dead despite our efforts. On carrying her down the stairs on a backboard, a firefighter on the other end had to lift her over an obstacle and she basically crushed me, i had injured ribs, bruised soft tissue and a bruised long. My very next call was a guy on bath salts who kicked me twice in the same area. Well I was out for seven weeks, over the course of that time I became upset, angry, depressed that a dead woman and an idiot who made a poor choice had screwed up my life. Eventually I returned to work and on my first (and only) shift back I had a call where we arrived on scene and the woman was talking albeit labored, we knew she was sick so it was throw her in the truck and screw. When we got to the hospital the nurses were useless, rude and annoying and in the course of convincing them that this patient was indeed very sick, she waved her hands at me and I looked her in the eye, she died right infront me. I lost it, I have seen too many years of people dying, people mangled and stupid people, people who suck off the system, abusive assaultive people. I broke down so bad that my wife drove me to the psych ER and they admitted me into a day program which I am still attending. I have the shakes, nightmares, bad intrusive thoughts and flashbacks to calls i havent thought about in years. Prazosin helps a little bit, talking helps and I had a breakthrough today. I wake up every night without fail at 0130 and today i realized why, the call where I got injured was at 0130. So thats me, I am here to try and find support, to try and not be alone with this illness. i am an expert at avoidance, fishing (of all types, litterally), hunting (duck, deer, turkey) and trapping (mink) I also do woodworking and my dream is to leave the ambulance behind and work as a cabinetmaker/contractor making beautiful cabinets, staircases, custom front doors and windows and make furniture in my home shop. Its an attainable goal in that I have secured an apprentice spot with a master carpenter/cabinetmaker. I am scared about moving forward but I am more scared of feeling like this all the time. Thank you for reading, God Bless
