Sufferer Hi, I Lived Childhood Sexual Abuse And Dissociation

[Keeper of the Wheel]

Hi, I was looking for a forum to share with others about how we can cope with dissociation, flashbacks, behavior\relationships difficulties and sometimes feeling crazy. I am currently in therapy because anger was becoming a major problem in my life with my boyfriend, with my colleagues at work, with my neighbors and it was getting out of control.

I made lots of work in therapy 20 years ago about sexual, emotional abuse but couldn't make it all the way because I was denying some of the memories recovered. I was dissociating and I knew at that time I had parts living inside of me but couldn't relate to MPD because I was not loosing lots of time and the shifts were not visible.

At that time, I joined a sect community that I considered my family for almost 20 years until I was kicked out because I had a major surgery and was no longer useful for them. Plus, at the end I went through a sexual ritual with one of the leaders (father figure) and experienced it as it was a sexual trauma.

For 2 years after, I tried to pick up my pieces, live with the huge emptiness from having no more community family and sisters and my constant anger. Then I went to consult a therapist 4 months ago. So back to work about the sexual abuse. I dissociate a lot and have flashbacks frequently but we are still at the stabilization and trying to stay functional stage. I have a stable work and it is sometimes difficult to stay functional when flashbacks, panic or dissociation occurs.

I do not have social support, I am very shy to talk about my experience with my BF and I feel very isolated. That is why I came here.

Nice to meet you all.

Keeper of the wheel

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[Elisacullen21]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[BigBear]

Hi and Welcome!

This is a good place to ground.

Glad you found us.

Bear

 

[cdinwv]

You are not alone. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse and Incest. I spent many years trying to make amends in my abusing family of ritual abuse and perverted religious disease that used religion to cover up the abuse of the adults in the family. I speak openly about my abuse now to anyone with caution because even talking about it to help others know they are not alone has been a trigger in me causing more nightmares and anxieties and anger too. You would be amazed at how many survivors are out there who endure sexual abuse too as children and adults.

I have completely isolated away from all my abusers now. I can not accept nor live in their denial lifestyles anymore. I reject most social events primarily now because I am becoming aware of my own PTSD and what triggers me. Unfortunately for me, growing up in West Virginia, every thing including places, stores, occupations I have had, all have became triggers for me since becoming aware because it has taken so long to get properly diagnosed and help for me. Rural areas of USA do not have the medical expertise nor the affordability of resources to help patients. To complicate the matter I have seizures also.

Do not give up on yourself to overcome this. The truth is within you. I believe that trauma will end when truth begins to get me through the hard days. I wish you strength, courage, and a belief in your own heart to heal and recover. We were victims but now we are survivors and able to help ourselves cope constructively and heal. We are not alone.

 

[Mr. Upset]

First of all, I must appreciate your confidence of raising the issue. I wish you good luck for your future. One thing I would like to suggest you to speak to your boyfriend about your past and gain his confidence. I am sure, when you will have a helping hand assuring to take care of yourself throughout the life providing you all possible happiness. You will be more relaxed and happy.

 

[Keeper of the Wheel]

Thank you all for your encouragment.

Mr. Upset, I consider your suggestion about talking to my boyfriend. The thing is he knows since 3 months ago about the sexual abuse, but keeps asking who did this and how profound are the after effects.

Does he want a list and a degree of damage?...That makes me angry, I feel as if I am a car that went trought a big accident and the estimation guy tries to determine if I am good for the scrap yard or still good for repairing...

He has his own difficulties and doesn't want to change anything or just look at himself. He doesn't hear me or consider my requests till I shout in anger. He thinks I am taking things too seriously and making a big fuss about everything. When I open myself to him a bit he keeps giving the others reasons for their actions like he is doing for his own actions. He doesn't often take my part. So what about tellling him that my father, my big brother and a disgusting monster in underwares (memory partly recovered) abused me since I was 4 years old. I seriously don't know. Maybe I have the illusion I protect myself and in fact I only protect my abusers...

Sometimes I tell myself, I panick for nothing. I don't have confidence in anyone and yes it is right!

The thing is I need to validate myself and I only start to believe the little girl inside. I strongly believe I can learn, grow, heal and be a better person and I work very hard for that.

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[cdinwv]

It is very hard being with someone you care about so much who does not fully understand all you have been thru nor support you as you need. Yes, you do need to claim validation of the little girl inside who is screaming to get out and wanting help, love, and support. It's so hard to explain to others who have not been there and even the medical field and professionals have a hard time to accept the ramifications of what a child abuse survivors endures, goes through, and reaching out to heal and recover can be a very long, hard, and honestly a solo journey.

I wish there was an easy answer or a way to support and comfort you in this. But recovery and healing is usually a very long, hard, and difficult journey. By seeing things for yourself in the relationship you are in, is the first step in healing, recovery and accepting others to trust is a part of the process. Truth will set you free and in to a degree, not opening up the truth of your abusers and what they did to you will only hinder your healing experience and recovery. I wish that no adult nor child ever knew the struggles, battles and hardships of abuse in our lives. Best wishes.

 

[Keeper of the Wheel]

''Truth will set you free and in to a degree, not opening up the truth of your abusers and what they did to you will only hinder your healing experience and recovery.''

cdinwv,

That is true.

I am so afraid! About the jugments my BF will have, that he will hate my big brother that he met already one time and my father that he never met. Because I do not hate them. I can't. Period. Crazy, no?

How can this be? I feel the little girl inside who needs to preserve attachments with them.
I would like to cry right now but I can't. I still have my gag...after all these years and so much work.

Back to square one but more like coming back to the beginning of my wheel and have to start a new one from this point. Everything feels alike but everything is different. I can define myself, I can finally exist.

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[cdinwv]

I wish there was a way to mend with out fear. But I have not found a way around fear other than admitting it, accepting it, and controlling it. Without my tears to comfort and strengthen me, I would have given up a long time ago. You are not alone.

Honestly, no matter how hard your truth is to accept, it will never be as hard on you to accept and understand as it trusting others to talk to and tell about it, if you chose too. It's your choice when and if you are ready. Always remember that. Even the best of loving supporters can make their opinions and advice with best intentions but it can be very hurtful and detrimental even when they offer comments of support. It can be painful for all involved and fearful for them too.

But it is your choice on how you feel about your family and if you choose to keep them in your life or even hate them or choose to love them. You know the circumstances and it is up to you to decide when or who you trust to tell and validating your self.

I have heard wonderful stories of family counseling, therapy and healing and recovering together. I have heard of some of the worst rages of denial from survivors who tried to retain a sense of family with their abusers. It is a personal choice. I do not believe there is a right way or wrong way, only what works for each survivor.

Validating my own recovery, healing, and emotions and what I would and would not accept as healthy boundaries for me in any relationship especially with my family of abuse was the hardest. But it has worked for me and sharing it with my husband had its highs and lows since he had come to know my family and then found out exactly what went on with this family he married in to. Then we chose to protect our daughter from these people too. It's never easy but you are never alone.

There are survivors that never tell their BF, spouses or anyone. There are survivors that do not hate their abusers or families. There are other survivors that do hate their abusers and family. In the end, it's about validating what you need to so that you can heal, recover and try to move on coping the best way you can. Best wishes on decisions only you can make but you are not alone,no matter what you decide and that's what you must never forget,no matter how you choose. There are others that make the same choices you are faced are with and those are the ones that you need to seek support from even if only from an Internet support group or in research material of your choices. Your BF will understand or won't, but please, do not let it hinder your truth and recovery. Best wishes.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome!

 

[Srain]

Welcome to the forum, KeeperoftheWheel,

It sounds like you have been through quite a lot and also are very determined to move beyond the abuse. It is not always easy and reaching out can feel so risky so I commend you for doing so.

This Site is a great place to find not only support but a lot of information so I hope you find what you need. I'm sorry for all that was done to you, it's horrid and no child should ever experience that. Take good care of yourself.

Peace,
Rain

 

[Keeper of the Wheel]

Thank you so much for you support and to remind me that whatever path I choose to take it is ok.

I feel it is time for me to determine what I want and who I am. This is hard to stay in touch with myself, the parts inside and to not answer the needs of the persons I like the most around me again.

I will sit with it and try to be gentle with myself. One step at the time even if it is baby steps. :)