CandyBunny
New Here
Oh boy. Where to start?
I was a miracle baby, against a 95% death rate, I actually survived. At the expense of some nerve damage to my body (nothing too major, just some parts are weaker than normal and goes numb after exertion), and hearing loss.
My father is an abuser. A different kind. He's a con artist, and won't admit it. He woos women, marries them, gambles all their money, and controls/abuses them. Once the wife grows a spine and realizes what's up, he divorces her, puts all the blame on her, and tells everyone what a bitch she was.
Meanwhile, he gets away scott-free because now he owns half of what she has, and her credit and finances are ruined. He defrauds and lies everywhere and to everyone, his own home country denounced his citizenship and exiled him because of his crime. USA welcomed him with open arms because he pulled the "seeking political asylum" card. After nine failed marriages, wife #9 got smarter and instead fled the country. With my dad unable to track her down to formally divorce her, under the eyes of the government, they are still married (but legally separated I guess), meaning that Daddy dearest can't woo and marry wife #10 without committing bigamy. How's them apples?
Okay, so now you know he's a con man. Now you know he was the tough love kind, didn't mind getting the belt or spanking his kids. But you now know he was also mostly emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive to the extreme. On top of that, he'd use ANYTHING against you to emotionally blackmail you every minute of every day. Daddy dearest was always the victims with the horrible kids and the horrible wife/mother. He was never at fault because he was an angel to everyone else.
Mom divorced him when I was 10. But he's still in my life, even after one or two phone calls a year, he hasn't changed at all. Then Mom dated husband #2.
Oh boy. I'm gonna make this short and sweet. Husband #2 is physically, emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive. He has a violent temper, when he's mad he's always on the line so you have to be really careful not to piss him off enough for him to get passed the line otherwise he'd go on a rampage. Mostly he yells and makes threats, but he used to beat my brother and I until we got old enough to fight back if he dared, then he stopped and just stuck with the other abusive behaviors.
Thing is, he was mostly abusive towards brother and I. Towards my mom, he was nicer, still had a temper but he was much nicer to Mom than my Dad was. So that's why she tolerated him and because she didn't want to feel alone.
For 25 years I have lived under the abusive regime of my Dad and step-dad until I moved out of my parents' house and severely limited contact with those two men. It wasn't only them. The first four years of elementary school I was isolated and didn't have any one to talk to. I had very few friends because I didn't know English that well. I made one mistake of befriending the wrong classmate, because after 4th grade my life turned to hell. I was getting beaten up before school and after school, I'd come home with bruises and bleeding.... I'd come home crying and nothing changed. Some of the kids even tried to MURDER me by pushing me on to oncoming traffic, onto glass, beating me with hard objects, throwing ICE balls at me, etc.
It wasn't as simple as dumping the friend, no that friend moved away and even changed her FIRST AND LAST name. So I was their next target. My brother tried to be the hero and stop all this, but he wasn't there all the time.
Finally, at 13 I moved out of state and put all that behind me. When I started high school years later, the abusive behavior almost all died down at home.... except for the verbal abuse. Still, it was a lot better than when I was younger. But here's the odd thing: I was having nightmares about my childhood and the attempted murders (whether I was the one trying to, or they were trying to kill me).
I got into a car accident that would've killed me, but I survived. I didn't fear death then I welcomed it and was slightly disappointed I survived. So now, I've survived another trauma. The nightmares stopped for me about two years ago. But one other trigger still bothers me.
I CANNOT HANDLE CONFRONTATION. Any time someone is angry with me, criticize me, or confronts me about something I did or did not do... I'll play it cool and calm and be okay... then when the ordeal is over 20 minutes later, you can see me inside the locked up closet, crying, shaking, and having panic attacks on top of panic attacks for HOURS!
That has not changed! I cannot handle anger or criticism. To me, Anger means Death or Pain. I've been conditioned to believe that anyone that's angry with me means to kill me or harm me very much. Even if it's just a shouting argument.
It's affecting my life. I was incredibly ambitious during high school, then college came and I had no support, fighting and arguments almost non-stop, drama, and other things. Then the real world, and bad bosses that broke laws, made me feel less than, co-workers sexually harassing me, co-workers stalking me, bosses and clients alike taking advantage of my disability and refusing to promote me, hire me, or try to force me to quit by only giving me a measly 5-9 hours a week, etc.
I know it's the economy, I know it is. My job in October, my bosses laid everyone off and stole two weeks worth of paycheck and left the state. They were smart about it, hiring the desperate people and being vague... because none of the employees had any actual information about those two to actually sue... just their first names. My job in January, I was fired due to my accent which is a national origin discrimination suit that's pending. That same week I was given a job offer only for it to be rescinded. Two months later, I got a job only to be fired due to an extreme medical issue that would've put me in the ER (this issue happens once a year) if I had insurance, instead I rode it out with ibuprofen and cried myself into unconsciousness. My boss wouldn't tell me why and he too played the "omg you're harassing me, help! I'm the victim!" card with me.
The theft made me distrust bosses, the termination due to my accent and/or disability really screwed me over, and the extra termination due to a medical issue that could've killed me (thankfully it wasn't as worse as I feared), really brought on the PTSD. I felt like a failure, with no future.
I stopped working or looking for work because I can't handle criticisms, I can't handle the heart break of losing another job and getting screwed over. Deep down inside though, I honestly believe that this series of unfortunate events brought back the trauma. Help?
I was a miracle baby, against a 95% death rate, I actually survived. At the expense of some nerve damage to my body (nothing too major, just some parts are weaker than normal and goes numb after exertion), and hearing loss.
My father is an abuser. A different kind. He's a con artist, and won't admit it. He woos women, marries them, gambles all their money, and controls/abuses them. Once the wife grows a spine and realizes what's up, he divorces her, puts all the blame on her, and tells everyone what a bitch she was.
Meanwhile, he gets away scott-free because now he owns half of what she has, and her credit and finances are ruined. He defrauds and lies everywhere and to everyone, his own home country denounced his citizenship and exiled him because of his crime. USA welcomed him with open arms because he pulled the "seeking political asylum" card. After nine failed marriages, wife #9 got smarter and instead fled the country. With my dad unable to track her down to formally divorce her, under the eyes of the government, they are still married (but legally separated I guess), meaning that Daddy dearest can't woo and marry wife #10 without committing bigamy. How's them apples?
Okay, so now you know he's a con man. Now you know he was the tough love kind, didn't mind getting the belt or spanking his kids. But you now know he was also mostly emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive to the extreme. On top of that, he'd use ANYTHING against you to emotionally blackmail you every minute of every day. Daddy dearest was always the victims with the horrible kids and the horrible wife/mother. He was never at fault because he was an angel to everyone else.
Mom divorced him when I was 10. But he's still in my life, even after one or two phone calls a year, he hasn't changed at all. Then Mom dated husband #2.
Oh boy. I'm gonna make this short and sweet. Husband #2 is physically, emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive. He has a violent temper, when he's mad he's always on the line so you have to be really careful not to piss him off enough for him to get passed the line otherwise he'd go on a rampage. Mostly he yells and makes threats, but he used to beat my brother and I until we got old enough to fight back if he dared, then he stopped and just stuck with the other abusive behaviors.
Thing is, he was mostly abusive towards brother and I. Towards my mom, he was nicer, still had a temper but he was much nicer to Mom than my Dad was. So that's why she tolerated him and because she didn't want to feel alone.
For 25 years I have lived under the abusive regime of my Dad and step-dad until I moved out of my parents' house and severely limited contact with those two men. It wasn't only them. The first four years of elementary school I was isolated and didn't have any one to talk to. I had very few friends because I didn't know English that well. I made one mistake of befriending the wrong classmate, because after 4th grade my life turned to hell. I was getting beaten up before school and after school, I'd come home with bruises and bleeding.... I'd come home crying and nothing changed. Some of the kids even tried to MURDER me by pushing me on to oncoming traffic, onto glass, beating me with hard objects, throwing ICE balls at me, etc.
It wasn't as simple as dumping the friend, no that friend moved away and even changed her FIRST AND LAST name. So I was their next target. My brother tried to be the hero and stop all this, but he wasn't there all the time.
Finally, at 13 I moved out of state and put all that behind me. When I started high school years later, the abusive behavior almost all died down at home.... except for the verbal abuse. Still, it was a lot better than when I was younger. But here's the odd thing: I was having nightmares about my childhood and the attempted murders (whether I was the one trying to, or they were trying to kill me).
I got into a car accident that would've killed me, but I survived. I didn't fear death then I welcomed it and was slightly disappointed I survived. So now, I've survived another trauma. The nightmares stopped for me about two years ago. But one other trigger still bothers me.
I CANNOT HANDLE CONFRONTATION. Any time someone is angry with me, criticize me, or confronts me about something I did or did not do... I'll play it cool and calm and be okay... then when the ordeal is over 20 minutes later, you can see me inside the locked up closet, crying, shaking, and having panic attacks on top of panic attacks for HOURS!
That has not changed! I cannot handle anger or criticism. To me, Anger means Death or Pain. I've been conditioned to believe that anyone that's angry with me means to kill me or harm me very much. Even if it's just a shouting argument.
It's affecting my life. I was incredibly ambitious during high school, then college came and I had no support, fighting and arguments almost non-stop, drama, and other things. Then the real world, and bad bosses that broke laws, made me feel less than, co-workers sexually harassing me, co-workers stalking me, bosses and clients alike taking advantage of my disability and refusing to promote me, hire me, or try to force me to quit by only giving me a measly 5-9 hours a week, etc.
I know it's the economy, I know it is. My job in October, my bosses laid everyone off and stole two weeks worth of paycheck and left the state. They were smart about it, hiring the desperate people and being vague... because none of the employees had any actual information about those two to actually sue... just their first names. My job in January, I was fired due to my accent which is a national origin discrimination suit that's pending. That same week I was given a job offer only for it to be rescinded. Two months later, I got a job only to be fired due to an extreme medical issue that would've put me in the ER (this issue happens once a year) if I had insurance, instead I rode it out with ibuprofen and cried myself into unconsciousness. My boss wouldn't tell me why and he too played the "omg you're harassing me, help! I'm the victim!" card with me.
The theft made me distrust bosses, the termination due to my accent and/or disability really screwed me over, and the extra termination due to a medical issue that could've killed me (thankfully it wasn't as worse as I feared), really brought on the PTSD. I felt like a failure, with no future.
I stopped working or looking for work because I can't handle criticisms, I can't handle the heart break of losing another job and getting screwed over. Deep down inside though, I honestly believe that this series of unfortunate events brought back the trauma. Help?
