Sufferer Hi, I'm So Lost.

[Toria]

Hi Dennis and welcome. As the supporter of a sufferer I would entirely agree with the others when they say it is worth talking to your wife - or even writing her a letter. It is so hard to help someone when you don't know what they are thinking. If you don't want to do either of those, what about printing out this thread with your comments and all of ours and giving her that - it would be a way of breaking the ice and hopefully to start some healing.

 

[Dennis # 121]

I think it would be best for YOU to be honest with her. Tell her how much you love her and how sorry you are that you didn't recognize your need for help sooner. Also, acknowledge that living apart is probably what is best until you get the help you need. But that you hope one day to be the husband she deserves.

I have done that, even in front of my Therapist. She is just so angry at me. Said I lied to her about my condition. It would come and go with time, but has increasingly been worse, and she get's the brunt of it. She is currently staying in a Hotel not far from her work. She left Monday during my Therapy session, and I have not tried to contact her at all. Right now I hope I'm doing the right thing. I see my Family Dr, on Monday for some Zoloft. Took that in the past and it seemed to help. I don't want to loose her, but if I were in her shoes, I would be scared to come home too. Miss her so so much. Just so so lonely.

 

[Dennis # 121]

As the supporter of a sufferer I would entirely agree with the others when they say it is worth talking to your wife - or even writing her a letter.

I just wish she would forgive me. She pretty much said we were over, but deep down I don't believe that. I know she loves me.

 

[Dennis # 121]

I think it's worth while telling your wife (A) that you're in therapy and (B) basically what you said in your original post.

She knows I'm in therapy, and I have told her what was in this post before even writing it. Just don't know what to do. I'm giving her space right know, and hopefully she will get better too. I know I have done some serious harm to her emotionally.

I guess she needs time to forgive me. I just hope it's not too late for our marriage.

 

[safenow]

I hope not as well, Dennis. Good luck.

 

[WillyKat]

It ain't too late, though it may take time.

 

[Dennis # 121]

It ain't too late, though it may take time.

I hope not.

 

[Dennis # 121]

Not too sure if she cares any longer. I know she Loves me, but has had enough. The reason she Left was the Counselor thought it would be better for her safety. I have been verbally abusive, but then last week I snapped and pushed her on the bed. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm here in MN alone, no family or friends. All I want to do is cry.

I should have mentioned that we were in Mexico on vacation. While in a restaurant I observed a young Hispanic girl that caused me to flashback to the shooting. That just threw my brain into a fight or flight mode, and fight I got, so I took it out on my wife and pushed her to the bed. Wow the brain is a bizarre instrument.

 

[safenow]

Wow the brain is a bizarre instrument.

Yes, it really is.

A long time ago, I got triggered when a woman with bright red lipstick came up into my face unexpectedly. I attacked her, thinking she was trying to hurt me. She wasn't and I thank goodness I didn't do any permanent damage to her. Past trauma can cause all sort of problems.

All the more reason to allow her the space she needs until you get the help you need.

 

[Bernie's_mom]

I would like offer my opinion, as someone coming from "the other side". A whole different perspective, if I may.

I survived 14 years of domestic abuse. I know, from personal experience, that it is the verbal/emotional abuse that completely destroys one's spirit. I would gladly have taken hundreds of black and blue marks over the verbal assaults that I received. Every domestic violence survivor ever asked has said the same thing. By the time a man crosses the line into physical abuse (even something minor, like shoving) and the woman can finally be protected by the law--it feels stupid and laughable, because that for which the cops will actually come for and the courts will step in for is so minor, it is nothing. The woman has already been pulverized and beaten to a bloody pulp, day after day after day--the bruises just aren't visible.

I don't wish to offer you any false hope here, Dennis, but I also distinctly recall spending 14 years of marriage always trying to reconcile with my husband. I filed the orders for protection but I always let them drop when I thought my husband was going to take things seriously. I did separate from him one time but I moved back home after three months. Eventually, his drug use became so bad that the county stepped in and told me that either the husband had to leave the home or the children would be removed from the home. I helped the husband pack his bag. He was civilly committed, and bounced from one treatment center or psych ward to another, and we were locked into the courts with a child protection (CHiPs) order for a year and a half. I STILL did everything on my part that I possibly could to try and reconcile with that man. Only after having to stand on my own two feet and having some distance for that last year-and-a-half was I finally able to see that my husband really was never going to make any real change. His own children would have nothing to do with him, even when the judge ordered supervised visitation. A month after I started divorce proceedings, my husband went to a hotel (with another woman), and died from a drug overdose.

Now, what I am NOT getting from you is: rationalizing, minimizing, or blaming everyone and everything else under the sun. I really think there is hope you. It also sounds like you have had many years of a good, solid marriage. Unless there is something you haven't told us, I am not getting that "abusive" has been your MO all these years.

Remember: "I'm sorry" (like "love") is a VERB. Show REAL fruit in keeping with repentance.

 

[Dennis # 121]

I survived 14 years of domestic abuse. I know, from personal experience, that it is the verbal/emotional abuse that completely destroys one's spirit. I would gladly have taken hundreds of black and blue marks over the verbal assaults that I received. Every domestic violence survivor ever asked has said the same thing. By the time a man crosses the line into physical abuse (even something minor, like shoving) and the woman can finally be protected by the law--it feels stupid and laughable, because that for which the cops will actually come for and the courts will step in for is so minor, it is nothing. The woman has already been pulverized and beaten to a bloody pulp, day after day after day--the bruises just aren't visible.

I love your post and took it to heart. We have been together 7 years and married for 5. She told me I was having a nightmare where I was in full motion of reacting the incident. She told me I grabbed her by the throat, ( I don't remember this) and we were just living together for about 6 months.

I think back and I know I have been verbally abusive, she also related everything is about me. Not sure if that is part of this PTSD or not. She brought up one instance where she thought she was going to loose her job, I had a terrible day at work and after she told me her horrible news, I stormed out and sat on our deck for hours instead of consoling her, I knew that was wrong. The only physical thing I did was pushed her onto a bed. I know where my wife is staying, but I have not contacted her at all. I really want to, but I know she needs space right now.

I blame myself, I knew a few years ago I was starting to get these dreams and triggers that would set me off. I should have taken care of it then until waiting till it was too late. I just hope the good Lord forgives me. I don't want to be this way.

 

[a3a2]

Dennis, it took time for your wife to get to this point, and it will take time to gain her trust and to repair the relationship. Don't rush her....it will only push her further away. Work on yourself, and let the rest fall into place.