Hi all, newbie here.
I'm not entirely sure if I'm in the right place. I'm 24 years old and was in therapy through college since I started experiencing severe depression, accompanied by bursts of explosive rage when I was 19, which was the total opposite of my personality up until that point. I've repeatedly been diagnosed with Bipolar NOS (which means I exhibit symptoms of mood swings, but the symptoms don't exactly match Bipolar I or II, aka a total BS diagnosis) and never with PTSD.
The reason I'm here is that I was reading a book recently on issues frequently experienced by gay men and one of the topics it touched on was PTSD as a result of neglect and abuse during childhood. When I read the description of the symptoms, I had to reread them multiple times; it was me. I then continued on and the author told a brief story about a boy who was likely to wind up like this as an example and, again, I could relate to the little boy in the story all too well. Young effeminate boy is an embarrassment to his parents, so they hit him, harass him, and ignore him, all in an attempt to toughen him up. The abuse and harassment extend out into other areas of the boy's life because pink boys are easy targets. No adults ever helped because boys weren't supposed to behave like that, so the boy must have deserved everything he was getting.
Since I was 19, I've felt completely dead inside. I have no interests or hobbies. I frequently worry that nobody likes me and all of my existing relationships are completely superficial. I know I'm going to be single forever because nobody will ever love me (And why would they? I'm such a miserable POS). I get so frustrated over the smallest details and explode at seemingly arbitrary moments. I zone out all the time and can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes. I fantasize about suicide constantly, though I would never do it because I'm too big of a wuss. I feel so overwhelmed all the time and cry constantly.
I haven't been in therapy since I graduated from college because I can't afford it. I can't talk to anyone I know about it because 1) it's embarrassing and 2) they probably wouldn't care anyways and even if they did, they wouldn't know how to respond. I'm at a loss for what to do.
I don't know why I'm here. I doubt this will solve my problems and, even though it seems likely, I don't even know if PTSD is what I'm experiencing. I guess I'm hoping that maybe I'll find some people I can relate to and knowing I'm not alone might make living a little easier. It's stupid, but I don't have anywhere else to turn at this point.
So yeah... nice to meet you all.
I'm not entirely sure if I'm in the right place. I'm 24 years old and was in therapy through college since I started experiencing severe depression, accompanied by bursts of explosive rage when I was 19, which was the total opposite of my personality up until that point. I've repeatedly been diagnosed with Bipolar NOS (which means I exhibit symptoms of mood swings, but the symptoms don't exactly match Bipolar I or II, aka a total BS diagnosis) and never with PTSD.
The reason I'm here is that I was reading a book recently on issues frequently experienced by gay men and one of the topics it touched on was PTSD as a result of neglect and abuse during childhood. When I read the description of the symptoms, I had to reread them multiple times; it was me. I then continued on and the author told a brief story about a boy who was likely to wind up like this as an example and, again, I could relate to the little boy in the story all too well. Young effeminate boy is an embarrassment to his parents, so they hit him, harass him, and ignore him, all in an attempt to toughen him up. The abuse and harassment extend out into other areas of the boy's life because pink boys are easy targets. No adults ever helped because boys weren't supposed to behave like that, so the boy must have deserved everything he was getting.
Since I was 19, I've felt completely dead inside. I have no interests or hobbies. I frequently worry that nobody likes me and all of my existing relationships are completely superficial. I know I'm going to be single forever because nobody will ever love me (And why would they? I'm such a miserable POS). I get so frustrated over the smallest details and explode at seemingly arbitrary moments. I zone out all the time and can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes. I fantasize about suicide constantly, though I would never do it because I'm too big of a wuss. I feel so overwhelmed all the time and cry constantly.
I haven't been in therapy since I graduated from college because I can't afford it. I can't talk to anyone I know about it because 1) it's embarrassing and 2) they probably wouldn't care anyways and even if they did, they wouldn't know how to respond. I'm at a loss for what to do.
I don't know why I'm here. I doubt this will solve my problems and, even though it seems likely, I don't even know if PTSD is what I'm experiencing. I guess I'm hoping that maybe I'll find some people I can relate to and knowing I'm not alone might make living a little easier. It's stupid, but I don't have anywhere else to turn at this point.
So yeah... nice to meet you all.
